Hello it is suresh icon of perth rock music, and this is my page where i will give helpful instruction to those less fortunate than me, those who do not know how to rock, or even more tragically, those who do not live in perth, poor poor misguided bastards. i feel that there is no-one more qualified than me to write this page because not only was i born in perth without my consent, but, against all my wishes, i was born a rocker.

i wanted to be a doctor or a vet, i would even have settled for being a paramedic, or at the very least a chiropractor, you see, i wanted to help people. but unfortunately, like many who are born with congenital conditions they can't overcome, i was born a rock star, and that's something i just have to accept.

i know exactly how the elephant man must have felt, born a "freak" in the eyes of a heartless world, although of course my freakishness is an unfortunate ceaseless need to rock, rather than any actual physical unsightliness.

my need to rock until the day i die is very real indeed, and in the same way that some people have to recieve constant treatment for disease, i need to rock at least once a month or the consequences could be disastrous.

a qualified doctor has confirmed that i have an unnaturally high "rock drive." he tried to lower this drive to a normal human level by exposing me to radiation treatment, but sadly this treatment backfired, and much like the incredible hulk i mutated into a much bigger rock star than before. in scientific terms, i am now a grade 12 rock star, that means i have reached dangerously high levels of posing. i don't want to dwell too much on my horrible condition, but i am forced to wear leather pants every single day.

it's such a drag being a rock star, sometimes i really wish i could just be a normal little boy. every night i get down on my little knees and pray to my guardian angel to turn me into a normal human flesh and blood boy, so i can grow up to be a doctor or a zookeeper or even a pharmacist, instead of succumbing to my tragic inevitable bonn scott type fate. but nothing ever happens, this is because my guardian angel is an evil bitch, and i hate her. even if she is hot.

actually, if she was hot, how cool would that be, imagine shagging your own guardian angel. but anyway i digress. the fact i am a rock star is so painfully obvious, i am so sick and tired of people remarking about it at bus stops and in supermarkets. yes, i am a rock star. yes i do do strange morally questionable things normal people couldn't. i do blow stuff up. i do worship satan by snogging truckloads of virgins every night. can't we talk about something else? its such a bore. i cant tell you how much i would love to just go down the supermarket and buy groceries like everyone else instead of strapping on my axe and rocking out.

anyway, lets go to my first email, from a girl called vanessa. she writes-

"Living in Sydney, I sadly have no idea what rock music actually is. Can you give me a brief overview, Suresh?"

Poor girl, i will try. basically rock is a speeded up version of the blues which was invented by Little Richard over 12 years ago, and has subsequently been expanded upon by people like eskimo joe, fourth floor collapse, jebediah, lash, (who are cool no matter what that jerk martin zygote says), little birdy, halogen (the band with that really cute girl) and of course, courtney love, who is actually the most important rock musician of all time. here are some important things to remember when it comes to talking about rock n roll with the other rock poseurs at the amplifier bar. These are essentially the most important elements that make up rock:

this last one is the most important, i can't stress how important and central it is in the scheme of rock. if you want to have any chance of ever being able to rock at all, if you want to be looked at twice by a member of the opposite sex, if you don't want to die a frustrated bitter old maid, lonely and childless, venting your anger and disapointment on your brother or sister's children, and scaring all the neighbourhood kids who think of you as some sort of a hideous hag or witch, then i urge you to pack your things and move to perth as soon as you can. maybe you can still be saved. keep those emails coming, my less fortunate friends, this is suresh signing off for now.



Posted by Suresh at August 13, 2003 05:35 PM