I want kids.

As I get older I begin to worry more and more about what of me will remain in this mortal world when I die tragically young of some horrible rock & roll affliction.

I really would be a great father. I will name my firstborn "Rocknroll". Rocknroll McPants. The morning after a long night on the piss little Rocknroll would ask innocently, "Daddy which of the dozen women you brought home last night is my Mummy?" and I would reply firmly but fairly "Shut up and drink your beer boy. Daddy has a headache and a sore doodle."

Then I would dress him up in a little Leather Jacket and take him out for an excursion to my heroin.... ....No wait. What the fuck am I talking about? This would suck. Having childen would totally cramp my rock and roll life style. What would I have in common with a 5 year old? What would I talk to them about? Do small children dig girls, drugs and rock music like I do? I would have to take them with me on my all night rock & roll outings to the Amplifier bar. No no that wouldn't do at all. The guys would think i've gone soft. And I haven't. I'm still totally hard.

What I REALLY want is children I will never have to be responsible for. Kids i can father and then drop them off at some sort of lifetime daycare.

Instead, I should have hundreds and hundreds of illegitimate children. It would be really cool to know that my rock and roll DNA lives on in the illegitimate children of Perth. Knowing that there is no way in hell that mother or child can track me down and make me responsible for the careless way i spread my seed.

I barely have enough money for beer, let alone child support.

For exactly this reason, it has long been my practice to rest my scrotum on a glowing flourescent green rod of uranium for a few minutes each night before I sleep with some conniving young slut that wants to bear a child of mine in the hopes of forcing me into having to pay fortnightly child support payments or worse, an unhappy, very uncool marriage.

"HAHA TAKE THAT SLUT. IM GOING TO FILLL YOU WITH RADIOCACTIVE DEAD SPERM!! YOU WONT BE TRAPPING ME IN SOME UNCOOL, UNROCK MARRIAGE!! YOU WONT BE MAKING ANY BABIES WITH THIS SEED!!! WHO'S YOUR DADDY!!! *GROAN* *EJACULATE*"

So in a nutshell, I want to have as many children as possible, without having to do an ounce of work, show a shred of responsiblity or pay a cent in child support. I want a whole army of children that will carry my genes off into the wide world but never come to me asking for pocket money. Or child-support. My children can never know my identity.

But how to do it???

Part II of this intriguing insight into the sex life and super-evolutionary theories of Wangst McPants continues tommorow. Or possibly next week. Stay tuned Perth.

Posted by Wangst McPants at August 27, 2003 12:24 AM