hello, welcome back to the magical world of shagging girl celebrities with suresh. as i said in my post below, i will be emailing certain famous bits-of-alright, in order to demonstrate that my technique could, theoretically, work, if you kept doing it to millions and millions of celebrities that is. my theory states that if you keep em,ailing billions of celebs, the chances are pretty high eventually you'll get a sympathy shag at least, even if its with some tatty old boot like monika kos.

so here to show you how to use the method is my first email. i knocked this one out in well under a minute, so as you can see its very fast and easy. i was going to send this one to that colleen egan chick? (is that her name? who cares. thats not important, whats important is she seems pretty shaggable) who writes a weekly column for the sunday times. or at least her photo appears above the column, it may very well be ghost written by a gerbil or a pigeon or something, because frankly its illiterate crap. anyway as you can see below i make no mention of this, pretending she is a highly skilled journalist. this is a crucial ploy in my strategy to shag her.



Dear Colleen, I'm just writing to say I always enjoy reading your informed and very interesting columns.(1) I especially enjoyed the last one about police corruption which I thought was great. I think you are a very good and interesting writer. (2)

I just wanted to ask for advice about writing a newspaper column, because I was thinking of doing it myself, (3) so I thought I would ask you, because your columns are so good.

How do you get into it? Do you have to have qualifications and stuff? I am 16 years old, (alot of people think I am 15, but I am in fact 16), so I guess I have time to go back to school if I need to, but really I wanted to start straight away. At the moment I am working as a dolphin watcher, (4) its a great job, it only pays around $20,000 a year, but the moneys not important, I really do it cos I love the dolphins.

I would love to write a column for the sunday times or the west which is about dolphins and other animals, or conservation issues, (5) as I care a great deal about the planet. Do you think they would be interested in this?

Or I could write a humourous comedy type column, I am very interested in doing comedy too. (6) Have you heard the one where an Englishman, and Irish man and an Aussie walk into a bar? But I will save that for my first column. Basically I just wanted your advice on how to enter this profession, and I thought I'd ask you because as I said I greatly admire your work. Thanks very much, Suresh

as you can see i have already got up to point 6 in this one email. if she ever responded i could send another email and get to the george clooney step very easily.

unfortunately i have been unable to send this to her because it seems almost impossible to get through to her. i wrote to the sunday times to get her email address but they refuse to give it to me, possibly sensing that i might shag her, and then leave her broken hearted, and then her work will really suffer as she pines for me, and her columns will get even worse than they already are.

a similar conspiratorial element seems to be stopping me from getting through to monika kos. i have tried to send her the below email, but channel 7 and today tonight once again refuse to give me her direct address. i called today tonight and this chick told me to email her the message and she will forward it to her. yeah right. if she sees my email she will naturally want me all to herself and will never forward it to monika. apparently monika is such a major huge star she is uncontactable, and rightly so. she is like the Mariah Carey of WA, she must be placed under heavy security because if anything happened to her, like being seduced by a 15 yr old boy, it would be a national tragedy. yeah right. im being sarcastic here if you cant tell.

monika sucks, she is shit. i used to want to shag her, earlier on in the week, but now i hate her. if youre reading this monika, you blew it baby, you had your chance to get some suresh action, but now i wouldnt shag you if you begged me. you stuck up cow. you're too good for suresh, eh? i think not! you evil shrew. anyway, see my email to her below.

Dear Mrs. Kos, I am writing to you for a class assignment on careers, we are supposed to choose a career we want to do, and then talk about someone who does that job who we greatly admire. I chose you, because I want to be a journalist, just like you, and I think you are by far the best and most courageous journalist in Perth. You are not afraid to tackle the big issues and stick up for the little people who only want a fair go, and I believe that's what journalism is all about. So, if you have time and are not too busy, could you possibly answer some questions so I can put your responses in my assignment?

Firstly, how did you first get into journalism and is it easy? I've never had a real job before, because I'm still a 15 year old student, but I had a part time job once monitoring the otters at Perth zoo for ten dollars an hour, but that was a very easy job, and before that I was an apprentice chef. But compared to these sorts of jobs, journalism must be very hard, and when you start out you must have to really work very hard for recognition. Do you think its a job where you have to be a tough or strong person right from the start, or is this something you can learn?

Thirdly, it must be satisfying as a human being who cares about other people when you do a really great story, and help someone out or right a wrong. When you do a great story, does it make you feel great just as a normal person, or does it affect you only on a journalistic level?

I can imagine it must feel great when you do a story on something thats really close to your heart, for instance, looking after the environment, which is something I care about a great deal.

Finally, what do you think is harder, being an anchor or a reporter? Since you do both, because you are both a fully qualified journalist as well as a professional anchor, (have I got the teminology right? is it anchor? Sorry if I've got it wrong, but I mean person who hosts a show), which do you think is harder? And do you think its possible for most people to be able to master both, as you've done so competently?

I ask because it seems to me that mastering both skills is something only a handful of people can do, a lot of great journalists couldnt be great "anchors" (if Ive got the lingo right) and vice versa. For example I once met Rick Ardon, he came in and gave a talk to my school, and I chatted to him afterwards, he's a great guy, and he's a very good news reader, and he said he always knew he wanted to do that rather than being a reporter.

Was it the case with you that you always knew you wanted to do both? Or did you choose one and then decide to take on the other? And did you ever have any doubts that you would be so successful in both fields? Thanks very much for your time, Mrs. Kos,

regards, Suresh

Once again observe how i cunningly get all those points in there. no doubt if mrs. kos ever actually got this email, if it wasnt intercepted by the channel 7 anti sex-terrorist squad first, there is no doubt that monika would rush straight home, send her husband down the shops, start running a nice bubble bath and give me a call. but of course, as i said, its too late for her now.

anyway, i've written like 12 more emails and they'll be sent out soon. so you better lock up your female celbrities perth, and im giving advanced warning to whoever it is that manages the rock band lash.

Posted by Suresh at September 12, 2003 04:55 PM