Freedumb For The Masses

Get Paid To Be A Nerd-Boy That Does Too Much Masturbating!

I stumbled across this, in the latest issue of my universities student newspaper. $50!!

Fuck Yeah! You mean i walk in, jizz in a cup, and walk out with a crisp clean 50 dollar note in my wallet!?! Fucking hell! Where have you people been all my life? Every late night for the last 3 years in front of my computer, i could have been at the fertility center working hard on earning $50!

But then i thought about it a little bit more. What if my sperm were'nt the premium quality I had always assumed them to be? I mean the picture used in that advertisment (shown on the right) is really quite intimidating. Millions of sperms in a race to fertilise the egg. Would my spermies have the same vigour? Would they put my sperm under a microscope before handing over the $50? Or would i get to walk out the door with the $50 before they realise that my sperm are more interested in playing internets then they are in inseminating infertile ladies. I mean my many years wearing undies, mobile phone usage, and late nights in front of the computer/TV couldnt have done my own fertility many favours.

Other concerns were starting to creep into my mind. I came to realise that maybe this wasn't the bargain i had presumed it to be. They don't buy man-jizz just so they can put it in a sterile bottle and giggle at it. They use it to make babies. They put it inside women who have husbands that shoot blanks. Then that woman has a child. My biological son. A small version of me, running around bumping into things: the thought made me shudder. Looking like me. Thinking and talking like me. Wondering about me. Me wondering about him (her? it?). What would my biological son look like? Using state-of-the-art scientific techniques, scientists have been able to produce an artists impression of my biological son (pictured left). I began to understand the true gravity of the deed and the reason that they need to pay people to do these things. $50 is meagre reimbursement for fathering a child you will never be allowed to meet.

But then I got to thinking again. Think of the free porn dudes! I imagine they put you in a small room, give you a stack of really dirty videos, and tell you to take as long as you need. Free porn man! I wonder if they let you keep the videos afterwards? Probably not. Perhaps i could buy the videos when im done with them. Or better yet, i could put a TV capture card in my computer, pack my PC and some cables into the trunk of my Holden Gemini and walk into the fertility center with my PC tower and monitor under my arms.

The Inevitably Hot Young Nurse at The Fertility Center: *knock* *knock* Mr Angst are you ok in there? You've been in there for an hour! Are you still not finished yet? Do you need more sterile plastic cups? More videos?

Me: Oh yep i wont be much longer. I splooged into the cup 58 minutes ago. Ive spent the last 57 minutes trying to work out how to use this TV capture card so i can burn "Revenge of the Anal Vampires III: The return of Count Dickular" to CD.

Posted by ExistAngst at April 29, 2003 02:32 AM