This is Dr. Peter Natrass. I have decided to address my loyal subjects in the city of Perth through this very amusing comedy website. I thank Martin Zygote and Wangst McPants for giving me the opportunity to do so. I wish to defend myself against the scandalous accusations which were made in The West Australian newspaper by my ex-wife, Stupid Bitch, as I used to call her. She has said that I used to bash her. Let me assure you people that I would never do such a thing, I am a fully trained gynaecologist and know how to handle women.

This is a vicious smear campaign orchestrated by poofters. There is a vast homosexual conspiracy against me that has been going on for some time, as the good non-deviant Liberal voting people of Perth who support me well know.

The journalists at The West Australian are a bunch of Marxist pillow-biters. We all know this. It is a matter of public record. They punch doughnuts and read Das Kapital. Let me put this bluntly, they are socialist poo-stabbers, the lot of them. Jealous of my non-perverted relations with a member of the wonderful government that runs this beautiful land, not to mention a member of the opposite sex, they are out to destroy me and to undermine my position as Premier of Perth.

It's because I do it with a woman. That's what eats them up inside. So used to their ungodly mano a mano ways have they become, that the very act of non-sodomitic heterosexuality repulses them. The sight of me thrusting my elderly but still magnificent sex-lance into MP Julie Bishop's ripe and accomodating vagina is more than they can bear. They can't stand the fact that I have my way with this top-notch bit of Liberal Party tang every night. The very thought of my boyish bottom bouncing up and down as I have intense older-person intercourse with this gorgeously well-matured piece of arse (like a piece of rate payer funded stilton...mmm) is too much for them. That is why these communist catamites have it in for me. It is true that occasionally I give her one in the old shit chute, for a bit of variety, but I mean she is a woman, and so there's nothing wrong with that, is there? My enemies, though, can't stomach the idea of someone giving someone else a bit of the old Greek if it's not happening between two blokes. This is the state of affairs we find ourselves in in Perth in the 21st century.

As Archbishop of Perth, I have always taken my duties very seriously indeed. I have talked up Perth in my various official trips around Subiaco. Now to find myself, after all the hard work and shopping I've put in for this city, the victim of such scurrilous and unfounded vilification is more than I can take.

I have never ever abused my ex-wife. It is true my pet name for her used to be "Stupid Bitch", but she loved it. And it's true every now and then I would "rib" her, with jokes such as, "The tax-payers of this city ought to blame YOU for all my expensive restaurant visits, as I only eat out all the time because YOU can't fucking cook for shit."

I would often kid her like this, also sometimes about the fact she was a frigid cow and didn't put out enough, and we would both have a bit of a chuckle and move on. Sometimes I would crack a gag like, "I used to have more intimate relationships with my patients when I was a gynaecologist, than I have with you, and at least they would let me finger them once in a while." And Mrs Natrass would laugh along with me, she used to be able to take a joke. Or sometimes I would make a quip like "shut up and stop crying, you Stupid Bitch," which doesn't sound very funny in print, but comedy is all about the delivery, isn't it. It was all just harmless fun, except of course when I harmed her, but even then, it was all intended in a very light-hearted way.

I don't expect anyone to understand the special humourous relationship we had. In these humourless PC days, no-one can take a joke. Apparently it's no longer acceptable to offer a schoolgirl a hysterectomy. Even if you're a qualified gynaecologist and it was a genuine offer. That is frowned upon by the PC lesbian thought police. You're not allowed to offer to remove a prepubescent shoolgirl's womb any more than you can try to talk your wife into having sex with a dog. What a sad reflection on us all.

Anyway, it was all innocent fun. So where these accusations of abuse come from, I honestly haven't the foggiest idea what her or her lawyers are on about. Although, I guess, if wanting to have sex more than once a millenium is abuse, then maybe I stand accused. If wanting to express non-gay sexual love with someone who doesn't just lie there like a giant ice cube is abuse, then again, maybe they have a point.

If wanting to come home and find that your wife has done her wifely duties, made a nice cup of tea, prepared a nice roast, cleaned up the house like a good girl, laid out your slippers and pipe, and is now lying in bed ready for you, with her legs spread, well, if expecting that is abuse, maybe I am guilty. And if wanting to punch your wife in the head every now and then is abuse, well lock me up and throw away the key.

But before I lose myself in despair at this mad society we now live in...and it is a mad society, is it not? When an attractive ex-gynaecologist such as myself can be so mercilessly hounded just because he has a normal healthy heterosexual sex-drive and wants to do it three times a night. Which is perfectly normal, I used to be a gynaecologist so I should know.

But I expect this of modern society. What shocks me is that this could have happened to Perth, the city I used to love so dearly. Perth, what has happened to you? You really have gone to hell. Someone should have seen what was happening and done something about it. If only there was someone in a position of power who could have done something to save our city. Those useless, power-hungry fat-cats, all they do is eat at all the best restaurants and go to wife-swapping parties, have they forgotten they are supposed to be looking out for the everyday battlers like me and you? I used to hate those wife-swapping parties by the way, I only ever went to them because I was expected to, my wife thought it would be rude if we didn't go. The only good thing about them used to be getting rid of her for a few hours. That and having sex with strange women. But on the whole they were depraved and very poorly run (and catered) affairs.

Anyway, as I was saying, before I lose myself in despair, I want to make one last appeal. Stupid Bitch, if I can still call you that, if you are reading this, please drop all charges against me. You are not fully aware of what you're doing, you are very confused, I can see that. There is no need to be jealous of the love that Julie and I now share and the happiness I have found now that I've found someone who puts out. You must just accept the fact that I am having passionate senior-citizen conservative-party sex with a woman who's not afraid of dropping her panties and coughing for the doctor several times a day. I'm sorry if you can't bear the thought of me, your ex-husband, running his new Tory tart through with his sex-lance. You had your chance, Stupid Bitch, and you blew it. It's time for you to move on.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, Perth Rock City, and keep up the excellent work. You are the only thing that makes Perth worthwhile anymore. I don't always understand all the jokes, but I get my secretary to read them and he says they are hilarious. Good to see a lovely right-wing comedy website operating in Perth. Until the next time I am accused of abusing a woman in my shady past, or getting a prostitute pregnant or something, this is your Commander, Sir Peter Natrass, signing off.

Posted by Martin Zygote at August 20, 2004 11:30 PM