Dear Diary, I am George W Bush

12th September 2002:
Dear Diary, I am George W Bush. But you already know who i am. Everybody does. Because i am the President of the United States of America. The leader of the free world.

Yep... theres no doubt about it. Life is good at the top. I got this huge big white house that i live in, completely for free. I've got two lovely teenage daughters who only get maggotty drunk and disorderly very very occasionally. I've got a beautiful wife. A lovely mom who has always supported me (she is teaching me to read and write better), and a Dad who is very proud of me for following in his foot steps (after those girly democrats kicked him out of a job).

Best of all, the nice people that come and tell me what are good things to do, tell me that we will be going to Iraq soon! Well not me. I stay here at home in the White House. But i still get to tell people what to do when they're in Iraq. Plus I get to watch it on CNN. So it will still be fun. We can't go over there straight away. Aparently we have to prepare first. Maybe all the Soldiers have to pack their bags and stuff and say bye to their wives and family and then they can get on the plane to Iraq. I hope i dont have to wait too long. Apparently they have lots of oil hidden over there.

Ok Diary... bed time. Mother is calling me, shes going to read me a bed time story. I hope it's the one about the catepillar that ate too much, because it was a greedy little caterpillar that didnt know when to stop and when enough was enough.

As if enough is ever enough!

20th September 2002:
Dear Diary. I am sorry it has been over a week since i last wrote in you. To be serious, it is because i have been having trouble thinking of good things to write in you. Mother says i should write the things i do during the day in my job. She says it is good writing practice.

Today i had to talk to a black man. I am not sure why, but he sure did talk funny. Even funnier then the way he talked, was his name. But i forget what i was. Something funny. Tea? Milk? Beer? Something funny, and something you drink. It annoys me now that i cant remember it.

21th September 2002:
OH COFFEE! HES NAME WAS COFFEE! THAT MAN I HAD TO TALK TO YESTERDAY! HIS NAME WAS COFFEE ANNAN!

I laughed for 10 minutes straight and nearly snorted my milk out of my nose! Because i am the funny president, i kept asking him... "Would you like some coffee Coffee?".
Me and Coffee. He is the black guy.
I am the one thats not sitting like a girl. After the first time he just quietly said no. After the 5th time i think he started to get angry.

Black people have no sense of humour.

Ok Diary gotta go. The Prime Minister Of Austria is on the phone. It's the 5th time he has called tonight. He wants to know if i need any more people to send to Iraq. Nice kid, but he is starting to get annoying. I think i might pretend im too busy doing important president stuff to talk to him.

10th October 2002:
GUESS WHAT DIARY! I HEARD SOME BEST EVER NEWS TODAY IN THE WEST WING! SADDAM HUSSEIN LIVES IN IRAQ WHICH IS WHERE I AM GOING ON A TREASURE HUNT FOR OIL!
AAAHAHHAHH!!!! Such a
little gun! I'm coming with
decapitating cruise missiles!

He is like my families worstest enemy! I hate him even worser then O'smelly bin Laden and that other bloke, Al Queda. We sit around the dinner table (Me, My Brother Jeb, Mum and Dad) and talk about how much we hate him and about what are good ways to get him. Then i find out that my army that i own will be going to his country! The perfect opportunity for me to smite him for being a smelly Arab that has given my family trouble for years! Now im REALLY looking forwards to this Iraq thing. Not only do we go on a treasure hunt for oil, but we also go and bash up Saddam!

Is that Walter Matthau or the President
of Iraq? I hope that is a magical sword
becorrs i cam going to drop a Cruise
Missile on your head!! 26th October 2002:
Dear Diary, today i did some reading about Saddam Hussein. Aparently he is a President like me. Only he is president of shithole-iraq, and i am president of the Free World(tm). Aparently, also like me, the people he is president of dont want him to be. All the people in Iraq want him to go away to another country and stop being the president. I do not know then how he got to be president of Iraq.

Maybe they have a Florida in Iraq also?

God Bless Florida.

25th November 2002:
Dear Diary. Today i had to talk again with the funny black man with the strange name. I do not know why I have to talk to him always. I think he wants me to help him change his name from something not as funny as "Coffee Annan". But there are some things that even the President of the Free World can not do.

He also says to me that I have to allow Inspectors to inspect Iraq before i send my army over there to smite Saddam and then find he's oil. I do not like this because i worry that the inspectors will find the oil before i do. I am in a treasure hunt to find the Iraq oil, and i cant waste any more time because UN Inspectors already are there and having a head start on me.

22nd December 2002:
It turns out Coffee Annans inspectors are not in Iraq looking for the treasure/oil that i am sending my Army to find. They are looking for weapons of mass destruction. If Coffee finds any nuclear bombs or weapons of mass destruction, he can keep them for himself. I already have lots of them already. He can take all the weapons of mass destruction he likes... so long as he leaves the oil for me to find.

Some peoples are saying that i am racist and should not send my army to Iraq to bash Saddam and go on treasure hunt for his oil. I do not understand this. I hate ALL smelly arabs EQUALLY and EVENLY. The Afghani Islams are just as smelly as the Iraq Islams.

Me showing Coffee where the podium is.
Just in case he forgot. I am the helpful
President. 15th January 2003:
Today I had to talk again with Coffee. He still cries like a little baby that I have to let the inspectors do their job and find all the weapons of mass destruction.

I want to say to him "WELL DUH MR SMARTY COFEE MAN! THE MORE WEAPONS THEY INSPECT AND DESTROY BEFORE I SEND FREE WORLD ARMY OVER THERE, THE SOONER I WIN AND GET TO CLAIM MY PRIZE."

But i do not say this because i do not think he likes me very much.

10th February 2003:
Dear Diary, today i met a Frenchmen named Jaques Chirac. Aparently he works for Coffee Annans people at the United Nations. He tells me that he will stop me in the United Nations Security Council from sending my army to Iraq. I try hard to hold it in, but i can not help but laugh when he tells me this. I am the President of the Free World and he is only a man from france.


The guy on the left if Donald Rumsfeld.
He works for me. I dont know why he is
smiling and shaking hands with Saddam.
He must be about to twist Saddams arm.
Today I also had a meeting with my Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld. Nice guy. We talked about how maybe when we go to Iraq we can kill Saddam! This is great news! I thought that we would just go over and bash him up a bit. Give him a noogie and a wedgie for being a dickhead, take (our) Iraqi oil, and then go home. But Kill him? GREAT NEWS! I've never been allowed to kill my political enemies before so this comes as quite a shock for me. God knows how many times i've wanted to burst into a Democratic convention all Rambo style and pop a few caps in some Democrat ass. But your not allowed to do that sort of thing for some reason. Lord only knows that politics would be ALOT easier to understand if you were.

Its not that i haven't been allowed to kill normal people before. When i was Governor of Texas i was allowed to kill hundreds and hundreds of people. Retards, Teenagers, Women, the sick, the old, the infirm. It was great! They do crimes, the police round them up and send them to court, the courts send them to me, and i get to authorise a leathal injection! Capital Punishment is nearly as much fun as the Super Bowl. But none of the people i killed in Texas were ever likely to run for President or have vast reservoirs of oil, so it was always fairly profitless (albeit amusing) slaughter. But now, finally i get to go full tilt at killing people that stand in the way of what i want. Nice!

P.S. Maybe just for old time sake, i can bring Saddam to texas, strap him onto a table, and pump chemicals into his blood untill he is killed!

16th February 2003:
Today i had a meeting with my Secretary of State, Colin Powell. He is a black man like Coffee, only he is SO much cooler then Coffee could ever be. Colin has an American name, while crappy old Coffee has a Beverage name. I rest my case.

Colin wanted to tell me about North Korea and about how they are building Weapons of Mass destruction. I do not understand why everybody comes to me telling me "Hey This guy is building nuclear weapons!" or "Hey that guy is building nuclear weapons! We should do something!" I have LOTS of nuclear weapons already. America has more nuclear weapons then any other country in the world. Why would i want to have North Koreas Nuclear weapons aswell? I ask Colin if North Korea has any vast underground reservoirs of untapped oil. Cause if they did i might change my mind. What Colin says next REALLY floors me. He goes "No Mr President. As a matter of fact, as part of a treaty that President Clinton (gay democrat) signed, we actually send free oil to North Korea an in return they promise not to build any nucl....". "WHAT!!!???!!", i interject abruptly, spraying my mouthful of coffee all over the oval office carpet. "WE SEND THEM OIL?!?!?! FREE OIL!?!?!" I dont remember anything after this, because i am told that i passed out on the oval office floor. Such was the shock of this news.

17th February 2003:
Today I cancelled our treaty with North Korea. We won't be sending them any more free oil. Now let us never speak of this ever ever again. I still feel dizzy when i think about it.

I work hard to steal more oil for America, and those fucking Democrats work hard to give it away to communists. FUCKING HELL!!

3rd March 2003:
Dear Diary, Today i spoke with Tony Blair on the telephone. I am not so sure about him. I think maybe he is a good guy because he wants to help me kill Saddam. But i also know that he is leader of the Labour party. And the Labour party is like the Democrats, only British and with more spine. So i worry that maybe he wants to come with me to Iraq just so he can take some of the oil. I will keep a close eye on him.

We talked about Osmelly Bin Laden and how maybe he is hiding in Iraq. Well not really. We talked about how people won't be very happy about our invasion of Iraq and how we will need to tell the world that Osama is hiding in Iraq! That was Tonys idea. He is smart for a Democrat. I added that we should tell people that Osama is hiding down an oil well. This is better cause it explains why i am going to need to empty every single oil well in Iraq. Otherwise i wont find Osama. I am the smart President.

19th March 2003:
DEAR DIARY, TODAY IT BEGAN!

Today we started with decapitating cruise missile attacks on Saddamn! The man from the CIA, George Tenant, came to me and told me he knows where Saddamn is! And that he wanted me to order a cruise missile, assasination attack on Saddamn!

Spittle flew onto my Oval Office desk in my rush to say "YES YES YES! DO IT NOW!".

Every single hour, we go into the Situation Room and the joint chiefs give me a briefing on what has been happening in Iraq, what our troops are shooting/bombing/killing at the time. The "Joint Chiefs of Staff" are all nerdy egg head, war boffins. Mostly i just says to them "HEY HOWS THIS FOR A PRESIDENTIAL DECREE: SHUT UP AND LET ME WATCH CNN". I grab the remote and flick on CNN just in time to see some good looking American bloke in Quatar showing me grainy monochrome green video of cruise missiles plowing into Baghdad. Apparently everything goes green in Iraq when the sun sets and night time comes. God damn that country must be a shit hole.

God bless CNN. God bless my free world, democratic, liberty, morally plural, right to invade other countries. Good night.