watching the tribute footy match on Anzac Day I was intrigued by the whole concept of a sporting match paying tribute to a WAR. i mean, are we really paying homage to a mass slaughter? or are we suggesting that there are parallels between fit young Aussie blokes kicking a ball about and fit young Aussies trying to kill people with guns, and being killed with guns in the process? They showed like James Hirds stastistics, in this animated thing, did anyone see that? They had his picture and he had this little animated helmet on, and he was in an animated trench, with bombs exploding behind him. And his stastistics were written in a MASH type font. How fucked up is that! what an insult to the veterans! turning war into some wacky cartoon. with James hird in it! as if james hird could ever have been at galipoli. he wouldve pulled a hammy and retired for a year. he still wouldve been recieved his full salary of course. On Anzac day and other days commemerating young people in less-civilised or more naive times who were conscripted/forced to kill and be killed/guilted and brainwashed into being murderers and being murdered by their fascist leaders/ mass murderers, are we reflecting on the stupidity and evility of war, or are we celebrating and glorifying war? Are we as Aussies saying we are sad to reflect on the tragedy of Galipoli, or are we saying, "How good was Galipoli? Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!" When people say they are proud of veterans, are they saying theyre proud of the sacrifice they made, or theyre proud of their work in the war? As if its just another sport we Aussies can be proud of excelling in. I mean linking a WAR to a SPORT. Thats fucked up. I'm sorry, but it is. If it was just a tribute to a tragic event....like a Bali bombing memorial event, then it would be fine. But to actually imply some sort of connection between war heroism and sporting ability (as they did by dressing James Hird up in a little cartoon soldier outfit) I mean, what the fucks with that??? If i had been shot at against my fucking will, if my life had been stolen away from me by the evil masters of war who used human beings as pawns, I might be slightly irked at channel 7 suggesting theres some connection between me and a bloke who gets paid shitloads to kick a fucking piece of leather around. everytime fucking John Howard makes a speech about veterans he really pisses me off. How many speeches has he given where he seems to imply that Australians, rather than being horrified by past wars and making sure such a thing will never happen again, should be proud of the whole thing, and should be proud to do it all over again. Precisely the kind of mindless patriotic bullshit trotted out by all countries involved in past wars, and exactly the reason people in those countries go along like lambs to the fucking slaughter. If you really want to celebrate Anzac day accordingly and appropriately. this is what you do. dont have a moments silence and a football match. Instead of a vet parade, we should have young Australian children drenched in fake blood running through the streets of every city screaming. We can tell them its like Halloween! In fact all "war days" should be LINKED to Halloween. We should MOVE Halloween to Anzac day and other war days. the day should be about HORROR not PRIDE. HORROR and VIOLENCE should be the overriding concept. All TV stations will screen Saving Private Ryan, follwed by Silence of the Lambs and the Exorcist, back to back, starting at dawn. Then, from that point on, every station will have to screen non-stop gore splatter horror films, starting with The Evil Dead, 1 and 2. this would be more in keeping with the theme of pointless gore and man's inhumanity to man.

Wangst. Rizzmo. Atrocious hooligan cuntboy. Whatever you wanna call him. He is currently on the run from Murdoch Uni campus security guards for kicking the fuck out of vending machines of all things. This is a true story. Not only that but moments before this sickening development Rizz MAY or MAY NOT have shagged a girl (or watched someone else shag a girl).

Don't ask me what its all about. I only came for the comedy. My erstwhile compadre's thrill-seeking shenanigans seem to have reached new lows. Some may struggle to grasp exactly what kicks can be got from booting the glass in in vending machines. The only kicks being recieved would appear to be those being recieved by the vending machine. But who am I to question the bold new direction my strange and depraved pal is taking. Maybe it helps him get in the zone, to channel his muse more accurately as it were. By sinking his big size 13 sneaker into a poor frightened little fucking automatic confectionary dispenser. The crazy drug-fucked bullyboy cunt. Pick on someone your own size you big trouble-causing git. Unless youre made out of glass and stuffed with choccies and cokes, and you weren't last time I checked, you fucking nefarious mischief-making creep.



Does drugs. Kills vending machines

So since Rizzmo is a fugitive currently "on the lam" in Winthrop or thereabouts, it is left to me to anger some internet fucktards tonight.

That's my MO, Modus Operandi for those geeks who never watched the A-Team. As Rizzmo was leaving, a very short time before he POSSIBLY shagged a girl and then came back and FUCKED UP A VENDING MACHINE like he was angry pimp sorting out a troublesome ho, (albeit a ho stuffed with a pleasing assortment of chocolate bars and corn chips,) and thus got all those security nazi pig-fuckers on his tail, he told me, Simmachine, do your best to OUTRAGE and INFURIATE any of the small number of social groups, organisations and armies i have not already sent into frothy paroxysms of rage.

So that is what i will now endeavour to do if i can stay awake long enough. Yep, Rizzmos out there venting his anger on coke machines, i'll do my bit to fuck shit up here.

And I will do that right now. But first let me mull for a moment longer on this whole affair. Rizzmo. A vending machine. Fucking hell.

anyway. i must suspend judgement as i said. Hopefully he has not been run down by those dogs as we speak. Those overpaid Melville security guard motherfuckers. Hopefully hes not facing a firing squad after some ludicrious kangaroo-court show-trial akin to the one Shapelle Corby faced. Although that would be strangely ironic given the various reactionaries Rizzmo has infuriated in his usual style on this site. Although truly poetic and fitting would be if he was sentenced to be imprisoned inside a vending machine. And only if his friends or family inserted the bail money through the slot in change could he be released. But no-one ever came and let him out, instead various other delinquents not disimilar to him, drunk on one light beer, came along, and out of sheer nihilistic frustrated punk-rock rage kicked the fuck out of the machine, just like he did, but this time the fucker was INSIDE IT. That would serve the fuckin vandalous arsemonkey right.

i mean really. He has one teensy little beer instead of his usual cones and this is what happens. He turns into the bloke from A clockwork Orange, but victimising inanimate confectionary machines instead of housewives. Fucking berk. And now he's off possibly bleeding to death somewhere on the silent Melville streets. And what does it say about me, to be associating with such an obviously malignant and destructive ne'er-do-well? What will people say? Will they stand in front of their novelty candy dispensers and cower in fear until I pass by? I mean I'm a respectable man. I can't be seen consorting with a fucking soda machine trashing skin-head nazi troglodyte cunt-bastard.



Rizzmo and Simmachine in happier times, before the drug-crazed vending machine murder spree that changed everything

What brought this psychotic display of vending machine molesting on? should i have seen the warning signs? Did the machine look at him funny? was it possibly an agressive display of post-coital super-manliness if he did indeed shag that chick? Was that what it was? A rush of ecstatic relief at finally popping his cherry? Which was so intense he felt the need to go POP a big hole in the front of a CHERRY cola vending machine? In some sort of a symbolic gesture? I know Rizzmo, and this is how his mind works. He is deeply artistic as well as troubled and I understand his mindset only too well.

Was he stressed about this whole situation with the Pussolini landlord bitch evicting him? was he stressed out over his demanding uni course which requires him to write a comical script about robots sodomising aliens while an undead manga cyber-pope looks on? Or did he think it was one of those fucking dogs he and I are so fond of murdering and then chowing down on

Or is he simply a violent shit-stirring trouble-maker, out to destroy things for no good reason at all, and he fucked up that vending machine for the same reason he pissed of all you abysmal humourless twats on this site. because Rizzmo is simply too rock n roll for his own good.

Well it could be that. Or it could be the drugs.

Anyway. In the spirit of Rizzmo. I must now ANGER. some CUNTS. Here goes.

LOST is a shit show. Thankyou goodnight.

note: simmachine does stick coke up his septum. but he has never smashed up a candy machine and then run away like a little girl.

(Wangst: I'm sorry I got this up on the site so late. I completely forgot the Simmachine had given it to me. This was written a few weeks ago before the Pope had worked up the last, or first, stiffy of his life. Other then that it is as true today as it is ever.)

You are a moderately well-off run-of-the-mill everyday Aussie. You are proud to think of yourself as AustralASIAN. You are free-thinking or trendy enough to decry a retarded cowboy fuckpuppet being president of the United States. You are tolerant enough to remind others that not all Muslims are genocidal murderers who blow people up. You even believe that Islam is not a backward, archaic and mysogynistic religion that does not belong in the 21st century and could benefit no end from being introduced to the concepts of rock music and casual sex. your motto is, live and let live, and if our wacky muslim friends want to force their chicks to walk down the street dressed head to toe in black on 43 degree days, then why not. Who am I to impose on their religious freedom, you tell yourself. That would be racist and wrong.

Even though you often say the catholic church is a hypocritical brainwashing mercenary mafia-cult with a history of sympathising with Nazis, burning astronomers to death, harbouring child-molesters and ruining billions of peoples lives by poisoning their minds with psychotic degrees of guilt and fear; run by some nob in a funny hat who feels free to dictate who and how his followers can shag, like some sort of sexual-fascist, even though he's never personally pulled a root in his entire life, (at least thats what were meant to believe,) and doesnt have much chance of pulling one now, since the next time he gets stiff the only thing he'll be entering is a coffin.

Also, you're not a republican or anything, but you've often said the monarchy is an archaic and irrelevant institution built on fascism, greed, treachery and unearned privilege which has no place in this millenium, let alone in the government of OUR country; and the royal family themselves are a group of disturbingly incestuous Thunderbird mutants with a history of sympathising with Nazis, murdering each other (when they're not inbreeding) and making faux pas so retarded and TWATTISH even Lleyton Hewton would wince and say "Dude, I can't believe you just SAID that!"

But even though you've criticised these other outdated (and archaic, God you love that word!) religions and institutions, you could never criticise Islam, because that would just be racist and wrong. Because they're not white and everything.

You work hard in your crappy job, but then, thats your lot in the modern world, capitalist karsey that it is. That fat dole-bludging kraut Karl Marx couldn't change the world, what chance have you got? But you wouldn't want to change the world anyway. Live and let live thats your motto. And you dont mind working like a dog in some office, factory or mine, as long as every now and then you get to go to Bali and unwind a little.

(Wangst: My apologies to Simmachine and his fans. The Simmachine gave me this to post as his Easter Tribute. Umm. Clearly its not easter anymore. I'm not quite sure what to say about that. Pretend it is a fortnight ago. I asure you that someone here at The Other 95 will be fired over this.)

Happy Easter, Other 95 Percenters!

Today's Easter Bible Reading

And Jesus said unto his disciples, take this hot cross bun and eat it, for it is my body.

And then He said unto his disciples, take this chocolate egg and eat it, for it is my blood. Yes, I have chocolatey blood.

And then Jesus began to sing unto his disciples, "Wouldn't it be nice if the world were Cadburys?"

And He went on singing some other verses which seemed to have been written by a severely pot-fucked ad writer who was intent on destroying the beautiful music of Brian Wilson forever, and then, Lo, He turned into a small animated chocolate postman.

And the disciples were amazed.

Pope Dies With Dignity In Extreme Pain Pope John Paul II died today in extreme pain without any morphine at all, much to the joy of Catholics around the world.

American Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick said that Catholics around the world could be proud of the example the Pope had set. "He suffered like a bastard and then he died in agony. Like a true Catholic. He took it like a man. None of this Euthanasia HORSESHIT. Like that Terri Schiavo chick.

"By taking it like a man and just dying without drugs, the Pope has sent a clear message to terminally ill people everywhere that assisted suicide is for FUCKING PUSSIES. You fucking Goddamned faggot wimps make me puke. Burn in Hell you fuckers.

Theodore E. McCarrick: "Jesus Says Kill (Suicidal Wimp) Fags...(but not with morphine)"

"Unlike the Pope. He's in heaven with Jesus cos he stuck it out like a real man. But that's not where you'll be. You fags will be raped up the shit-chute by Satan in hell for killing yourselves. Which you'll probably enjoy. Queers.

"All you mopey suicidal cunts will fucking burn along with Dr. Kevokian in hell. Cunts. Also, fags are gay and abortion is wrong. You will all burn you baby killing pervs. The Pope won't though. He was great."

"That Schiavo woman took months to die when they stopped feeding her. The Pope coulda gone for years. You coulda cut off all his food and he wouldve fucking loved it. Just loved it. His family wouldn't have started up stupid fucking lawsuits in the courtrooms of Vatican city, that's for sure."

McCarrick went on to praise the Pope saying he had been a man's man, but not in a gay way.

Theodore E. McCarrick: hurts cats

I the simmachine was hard at work catering to all your sick/dead-Pope related comedy needs, other 95 percenters. Unfortunately by the time I'd finished writing some comedy gold about the Pope being slightly ill, he'd become very sick. Then when I had finally finished writing some gold on him being very sick, within a matter of hours he had popped his pope-clogs. So in order not to waste any of the excellent satire i have written, i will post all of it. When you begin reading simply pretend the old dear is still alive and only got the sniffles.

jokes about the Pope being slightly ill

Did you see the old Pope delivering his Easter message the other day? Ahh, bless him, the dear old thing. He couldn't speak so he had to lip synch to some other priest.

It's a good thing Simon Cowell wasn't there to deliver some biting verdict on his performance. I can just see the poor old Pope having to sit there and nod politely as Simon tears into him:

"Well, that was crap. The crappest Easter Blessing I've ever seen. I mean, what was the point? I might as well have stayed home instead of coming all the way out to frigging Rome just to see that load of old rubbish. If you can't even bless a frigging Easter egg properly, how are you gonna go with the Christmas message? This is a tough industry, popey, and if you haven't got what it takes, well, its time to fuck off. Time to go live on Easter Island maybe. At least you could deliver sermons to those big statues and they wouldn't know you were so crap.

"Another thing. What the hell kind of sign-of-the-cross was that you made at the very end? You got like the up and the to-the-left bits right, but what happened after that I have no idea. It was like no cross I've ever seen. Maybe a cross designed by a severely caned hamster with no woodworking skills and absolutely no knowledge of what a cross actually looked like could come close. It was like you were trying to do some fucking hiphop street gang signal or something. I mean I know youve got fuck-all motor skills left but really. Its no excuse.

"And that bit when your little head popped back through the window and the curtains closed. You resembled some sort of android version of a Punch and Judy show. Actually, I'm not sure why, but I started seeing parallels between you and Micheal Jackson. Maybe I sort of expected you to dangle a baby over the balcony at some point. At least that would have added a tiny bit of excitement to your excruciatingly rubbish performance. "Anyway. In summary. Crappest Pope Ever."

Should the Pope be eliminated at this level of Religious Idol? Email theother95 with the words POPENO to say fuck off Pope and POPEYES to say don't fuck off Pope. That's POPE YES, not POPEYES, a plural of Popeye the Sailor Man, which obviously has nothing to do with this show at all.

NOTE: Please do not email us. The results have already been determined. The Pope has been eliminated.

More news on moribund soon to be dead old Polish Pope man:

Pope's Condition Serious: Vatican

The Pope's condtion is VERY SERIOUS according to the Vatican. "It is serious. It is not amusing or comical," a spokesperson for the Vatican told reporters.

"The official Vatican position is that his Holiness' condition is serious, very very serious indeed. Another word would be "weighty", or even "grave." It is not entertaining, humourous, laughable or even slightly funny.

"It is the very opposite of delightful, diverting, enjoyable, fun, gladdening, gut-busting, hilarious, merry, pleasant, pleasing, priceless, very fucking funny indeed, a riot, a right scream, screamable, side-splitting, etc. etc.

"If you can think up any antonyms of terms such as boffo, comical, crazy, dippy, diverting, dizzy, droll, entertaining, facetious, farcical, gelastic, hell-gold, nutty, priceless, ridiculous, super-fucking-amusing, screwy, side-splitting, silly, wacky, zany, etc, etc, then that is what it would be.

"Words such as unfunny, non-hilarious, gravely serious, humourless, important, staid, strait-laced, uninteresting, Victorian are more accurate.



The Now Dead Pope: no longer able to stand up or walk about as shown in this picture taken when he was still breathing, etc.

"The Pope's condition is so serious I do not feel remotely like laughing or slapping my thighs. Please note that I am the very opposite of laughing my tits off like a stoned monkey. This situation is not at all reminiscent of an amusing moment in an early Jerry Lewis comedy motion picture feature. Or that Clint Eastwood movie when he fools about with a chimp. That chimp movie was pretty fucking funny, but not this, in comparison to Clint messing about with that chimp this whole dying Pope thing is extremely serious. I cannot stress this enough.

"Just thinking about Clint getting up to all sorts of misadventures with that monkey, fuck, it usually makes me piss myself. But you can tell how non-amusing this thing is by the fact that even mentioning it now is not enough to make me smile even a bit.



Dead Catholic Pope guy: not amusing, not light or frivolous, of great seriousness or gravity, important, significant, sobering, unamusing, unfunny, unhumorous and grim.

"You can tell how very serious this whole affair is with one look at the earnest, business-like, austere, humourless and staid expression on my face. You could also describe my demeanour as sober, grave, meditative, no-nonsense, pensive, somber, sedate or unsmiling."

The spokeperson went on to request all comedians or internet comedy site writers not to make jokes about the Pope until at least three days after his death.

"the Vatican understands that comedians need to make fun of the rapidly decomposing Pope. We do not wish to deny these people the freedom to mock, deride or lampoon a dead old Polish Pope man for no reason at all other than it is hip sick comedy. All comedians need to make a living, even catholic ones.

"The catholic church understands that comedy is tragedy plus time. Its a bit sad that the time in the equation has shortened so considerably in recent times, as the demand for up to the minute sick comedy increases. But that's the current comedy climate, what can ya do.

"Anyway, we'll keep you informed of when the Popes condition goes from Serious to Slightly Less Serious to A Little Bit Humourous. "We ask all Catholic comedians across the world to bear with us at this time. Exept for Jewish comics, you guys can fuck off you bastards, make fun of your own leaders and your Seinfeld type neurotic mental problems. Leave our Pope alone you Yiddish cunts."

The spokesperson said all this is Italian with very serious and not remotely amusing hand gestures. At one point he slipped on a banana skin but nobody laughed at all.

By our Moribund Pope-Expert Willie Karksoon