so what is this site about? well its rather obvious really, you stupid pratt. look up at the top of the screen. what do you see? the words perth, rock and city, so beautifully arranged by my good friend wangst mcpants. and what do you see above that? why, its a picture of that pointytailed ponce john kizon. so now you can tell that this site is about 1. perth 2. rock and 3. taking the piss out of john kizon. so also comedy then. yep, great huge regularly updated servings of hilarious satiric genius. if jonathan swift lived in perth and lived a non stop rock lifestyle, his site would be complete shit, because they didnt have the internet in those days. but because this is my site, (with a little tiny bit of help from other people who will be posting their introductions below), it is obviously going to rock, because i am the supreme incarnation of unholy west australian rock and jonathan swift was a big pansy. who am i, you may well ask? well obviously you dont know me because i'm not a sell out. i refuse to become famous. just the fact that i am silently destroying my body with non stop rock and roll is enough. you may have seen me, a putrid rotting rock and roll carcass, swathed in leather, blinking in the all too painful daylight, forced to be out there in the outside world for a few moments, with all the fucking suit wearing motherfuckers who think they own the city, surrounding me, driving me mad with the sound of their incessant insect-like droning, because I have to buy a cd or cigarettes or another pair of shades, and then mercifully my painful excursion into the hellish hub of this god forsaken city is over, and I can return to my little roach infested cell, locked away from everyone else, with my drugs, my computer, my vanity mirrors and my rock music. thats who i am, and this is my city. the city of rock. one final word, there is obviously going to come a time when, despite it being obvious that satire is an important freedom which should be preserved, and that such freedom of speech should always be upheld on the internet, and despite the further obvious fact that this is just perth, and no-one who doesnt live in perth is going to get the jokes or give a fuck anyway, there will come a time as i say when me and my little friends here will probably be sued or at least involved in some fucking today tonight type controversy over some of the shit we are going to write. we fully expect this to happen, because there will always be fuckwits in this world, and these fuckwits will always take offence at social outcasts like ourselves jealously taking the piss out of them, and daring to suggest that wealth, fame and power are not really things to feel happy about or proud of. And there is a huge unmolested population of fuckwits in perth, believe me. Because they are not nationally famous, like the fuckwits you'll find over east, our own "perthonalities" feel like they can get away with anything, they can treat perth like its their own private fucking holiday resort. Buying all the nice big houses by the river, controlling the media, instilling fear in the hearts of the less discerning members of our population with their bullshit, (are you reading this, Monika Kos? Of course youre not, you illiterate bint) and of course, inflicting their fuckawful mediocrity on the rest of us. This is perhaps the worst crime of all, these fuckers who seem to say, well this is perth, we dont have to try. Well, yes you fucking do! If you're going to make a Footy Show, Basil Zempilas, do it frigging properly! Instead of doing a half arsed job, because this is only crappy old Perth and no-one here appreciates your genius, and anyway you have a nice big house by the river, so you might as well just throw together some poorly conceived comedy sketch involving you being caught in some hilariously suggestive situation with Karl Langdon who is amusingly dressed up like a woman, and hurry home and do whatever pathetic, sordid things rich bored wankers like you do, NO,...put some FUCKING EFFORT IN YOU BIG NOSED CUNT! So the fact these rich and "famous" (ho ho) people of Perth have had it too good for too long is just one of the reasons this site exists, to take the fuckers down a peg or two, and remind them, hey, you LIVE IN PERTH. So whether they're Todd Johnston or fucking Howard Sattler you'll see them here. But another reason for the site is to help people like you to get a leg up. Yeah, thats right, you, the insignificant blob reading this. You may not have what it takes to write a side splitting comedy vignette involving Karl Langdon pretending he's a "sheila", but if you have a band, a record, a book, a play, a movie or whatever, and you happen to have been fortunate enough to be born in this fine city of ours, then contact us here and you can publicise yourself on this site. There will be a page for this sort of thing up here soon. So this is Martin Zygote, see ya next time.

Aw, fuck it, now I've started writing about "Perthonalities" I can't stop, goddamnit. I gotta get this fucking venom off my spleen, so indulge me, or possibly not, i dont really give a fuck.

Perthonalities are a curious breed, so very different to any other Australian celebrity, possibly because they have been formed by the environment of Perth. Look at fucking Howard Sattler (the term "Fucking Howard Sattler" is a registered trademark of Perth Rock City) and its there, the arrogance that comes from thinking you're one of the elite, one of the SPECIAL people in a place that is completely laidback and free from the pathetic scrabbling for fame or power we see in places like fucking Melbourne, the cultural arsehole of Australia; Melbourne, fucking up the rest of the country with its endless greed and stupidity, but anyway I digress. The arrogance, and yet nothing to back up the delusion that he is worth shit, that there is anything particulary special about Fucking Howard Sattler that sets him apart from Laws, Jones, Zemanac, etc et fucking cetera. In fact Sattler went over east and fucking failed, remember that? No-one took any notice of the cunt. But he knows he can come back here and there will always be a place for him in mediocrity loving Perth were people are happy to put up with anything. You could put ANYONE on TV or radio and people would happily tune in. Maybe thats something Sattler needs to realise, he rates high with Perth's various right wing loons and annoying whinging old cunts, not because he's so great and eloquent and intelligent (strangely enough) but just because the fucker's THERE. You could replace him with a human turd and people would still call in and moan at it.

Also, where do people like him get off thinking that just because they're vulgar enough to whore themselves out until they become rich and famous, (like that's hard to do in Perth,) they deserve our respect and admiration? Fuck off and die. We could do it too, but we choose not to, not because we can't but because we believe in the sanctity of true artistic expression, and we would rather die than spend a lifetime being someone else's COMMERICAL BITCH (you like that, Sattler, eh? Thats what you are sonny boy.) Such behaviour is acceptable in Melbourne or Sydney, if you go to those places expecting anything less you are a fool and deserve to be exploited and robbed of your innocence, beauty or talent. But this is PERTH, PEOPLE, come on, reality check! Perth is a small island without any delusions of grandeur....and this is a GOOD THING! It's a place where simple qualities like love, kindness and art can exist, safe from the money loving vermin, at least this is how it should and will be when we triumph, etc, etc, so this is what this website is about, blah blah blah, i've said enough. That's enough hatred for today. Time to put on some loud rock music and take lots of drugs.

Posted by Martin Zygote at August 4, 2003 02:36 PM