So anyway. Yesterday I was talking about my desire to have my rock & roll DNA continue to live on when I die. Furthermore, I was talking about how this doesnt bode well for my desire to continue living the rock and roll lifestyle of a single unattatched rock god. Ironic no? Oh the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

This is why I was intrigued by an advertisement in the lattest issue of the Metior. The Murdoch University student newspaper. I'm not a student at Murdoch, but I frequently hang out there at night time, hiding in the bushes and occasionally introducing myself to young female students. I'm trying to catch the serial rapist that has been terrorising the female students at murdoch. (The police can suck my rock and roll penis. They cant prove SHIT)

Where was I? Oh yeah. Advertisement in metior. The ad was from a fertility clinic wanting sperm donors. "GREAT" said I. These chumps are going to pay me to spread my seed and father a few hundred illigitimate children to women that will never know my name or address.

Now im not really sure how these fertility clinics operate... but im pretty sure its so that lesbian couples can have babies. I dont really know much else about it. I presume its a simple matter of putting on a blindfold and/or balaclava, sexing some hottie lesbian (a dream of mine for some time now), collecting my money and going home. The lesbian doesnt see me, I don't see the lesbian, I get to make babies with a lesbian, and she gets to have a rock and roll baby. All concerned get what they wanted.

Whats the catch? Surely there is a catch right? My father always used to say "Son, its time you learnt that there is no such thing as a free lunch". Now i'm not so sure about that, but I know for damn sure that there is no such thing as a free lesbian shag. So I decided to send an email to the main man at Concept Fertility, a fertility clinic operating out of King Edward Memorial Hospital for Women in Subiaco, to get some more information. Here is the email i sent to Peter Burton, the main man at Concept Fert.

Date: 8/5/2003 14:31:49
From: "Wangst McPants"
To: [email protected]
Subject: making donations

Hi Pete,

I recently read an advertisement in the Murdoch University student newspaper about making donations at your fertility clinic and I am sending this email to get a bit more information about your program.

Any extra information you could send me would be apreciated.

In what way do we (donors) make the donations? I presume we insert the semen directly into the unfertile mother?

Hmmm this is not easy for me to talk about.... even in emails. God knows how i would struggle to discuss such matters in a phone call!

Thanks for your time,
Wangst McPants (my real name)

Talking about my sex life with you guys is fine. Talking about it to a doctor feels perverse.

Pete sent me a prompt reply.

Date: 8/6/2003 08:47:17 +0800
From: "Peter Burton"
To: "Wangst McPants"
Subject: RE: making donations

Dear Wangst,
Thank you for your enquiry regarding sperm donation. The relevant details are outlined below.

Step 1. Interview with me to go over all the relevant information that you need to know.

Step 2. Semen analysis to check for suitability

Step 3. A session with our counselor (legal requirement)

Step 4. An appointment with our medical consultant. This involves a blood test to check for viruses such as Hep B, C and HIV, syphilis.

Criteria to be met.
· Normal semen analysis
· Free from viruses checked for
· No known genetic diseases in the family
· 18 to 40 years old in good health

Once you have been cleared to become a sperm donor you can donate 25 samples. These are stored frozen. After 6 months from the last sample you will be asked to have another blood test to check for the viruses we originally screened for. If the screening tests are negative we can use the sperm you have donated.

The reimbursement is $20 on the day of the sample and $30 per sample to be paid after the second blood test provided no viruses have been contracted during the donating period and we can use the sample. This equates to $50 per sample.

The recipient couples must remain anonymous to you. We can only tell you if there have been any children born, but no other information. Importantly, you remain anonymous to the recipient and their offspring so they cannot trace you. All our records are strictly confidential. We do not tell anyone (apart from the health department) your identifying details. It is possible that the government might introduce legislation in the future so that offspring when they are 16 or 18 can ask the health department to contact the donor.

blah, blah, blah, some really boring stuff about privacy and shit like that blah, blah, blah. Wangst McPants didnt really read this section very closely because it was boring.

Please contact me at Concept (9382 2388) if you have any other questions or would like to come in for an interview.

Kind regards
Peter

Peter Burton PhD
Scientific Director
Concept Fertility Centre
King Edward Memorial Hospital

After having a bit of a think about it I shot off my reply.

Date: 8/13/2003 08:50:16
From: "Wangst McPants"
To: "Peter Burton"
Subject: RE: making donations

Hi Pete,

Sorry for my belated reply to your very informative and interesting email which I read all the way through with out getting bored at all.

So we don't directly sex the recipient to make her have children? How do we donate the sperm then? I am afraid that I am not familiar with any other way.

Also it says on the advertisement that you offer $50 as reimbursement. Is that $50 per dose of baby batter or $50 per visit? Because I figure I can do half a dozen bitchez in one session. All in one go. Just line them up. That means I get paid $300 right?

Sincerely,
Wangst

Pete didnt reply to this email. I sent him another email to see what the hold up might possibly be.

Date: 8/22/2003 13:16:32
From: "Wangst McPants"
To: "Peter Burton"
Subject: RE: making donations

ummmm hi Pete,

I never recieved a reply to my last email about donating babies to your fertility clinic. How do you get donors to sign up when your email manner is so poor?

Also, just incidentally and nothing to do with the matter at hand...... what do you know about down syndrome?

Truly,
Wangst McPants

Pete sent me a new email just yesterday. It contains some startling revelations about what this fertility clinic is really all about. It turns out you dont get to root lesbians at all. Only University of Western Australia students can participate it seems.

Date: 8/25/2003 17:11:16
From: "Peter Burton"
To: "Wangst McPants"
Subject: RE: making donations

Dear Wangst

Semen samples are collected by masturbation and stored frozen in quarantine. The donor is required to undergo more screening tests after six months and if the donor has remained virus free the samples can be used. They are then removed from the freezer, thawed, washed free of cryoprotectant and used for IVF or intrauterine insemination.

Regards
Peter

My heart sank immediately. I shot off an email giving Peter some advice.

Date: 8/26/2003 08:40:01
From: "Wangst McPants"
To: "Peter Burton"
Subject: RE: making donations

oh.

ok. :(

Well that's not how I thought it would be. I'm afraid I dont know how to masturbate. I watched a documentary on it once in high school. It was during a health education class in year 10. They told us that it relieves stress. It didnt look like much fun to me. I couldn't really see the point. Beside.... if I were ever to give it (masterbation) a try I would first have to pull my doodle from the mouth of whatever hot slut were waxing my wang at the time. And I dont think I will do that, even though I am the kind of guy that is always up for trying new things.

Anyway Peter... all the best in your search for Professional Wankers. May i suggest that rather then the Murdoch Metior, you take a full page advertisement in the UWA Pelican (the UWA student news paper). Search far and wide across Perth, but you won't find bigger wankers then you will at UWA. They are really really good at it.

Truly,
Wangst McPants

P.S. Oh wait Peter. I just had an idea. If the masturbation thing is because we are not allowed to meet the lesbians, what if I were to wear a bag on my head so that I couldnt see her, and she can't see me? Wouldn't that work just as well? Couldnt then we make babies like it's normally done? That way I could still be one of your donors. I would still get paid and your lesbian clients would still get their children.

Date: 8/27/2003 08:53:56
From: "Peter Burton"
To:
Subject: RE: making donations

Dear Wangst,

That's disappointing that you will not be able to be a donor. Thank you for your inquiry.

Regards
Peter

And so there you have it. This was really quite a poorly named post. I dont think Peter was very annoyed at all. I will try harder next time.

Next Week On PerthRockCity: Wangst McPants goes in search of a cult that will clone him in his ongoing search for imortality.

Posted by Wangst McPants at August 27, 2003 10:15 PM