Suresh's journal of rock and roll retirement

Aug 30

Yesterday I met Wangst McPants for the first time. I had sent him one column after he had seen me with my band once and had commisoned me to write some columns for him.

he sent me an email asking me to write a weekly column giving tips to local musicians on how to be as rock and roll as me. This is because Wangst, like myself, cares deeply about the state of Perth rock and would do anything to get it up to an international quality. The only way to do this, he reasoned, would be to get one of the greatest rock stars in perth to educate the handful of perth bands who are sadly clueless about how to rock. unfortunately, due to the fact i am largely narcoleptic and also because of groupie commitments, i have so far only written one column and will probably not write another one for another five years at least.

wangst does not seem to be annoyed about this, even though he has paid me a year's salary, which i have been living off for soem time. in fact to be quite frank i have actually gambled the lot away in a week long sex romp at burswood hotel. but when i told wangst about this he seemed to be ok with it, he is such a cool guy. apparently the other guy who edits this website, martin zygote, who i have never met, is furious with me and wants to stab me several times. he seems like a very nasty and scary guy, i hope i never meet him. apparently he is a hermit and communicates with wangst only through email. he never wanted to commision me to write columns, but wangst talked him into it. i thank wangst for this. wangst is a lovely guy and i met him yesterday for lunch for the first ever time.

he smells very nice for a guy, and is also incredibly tall. we went to the central park for lunch, not in new york but in perth, because we actuaolly have one here which is very cool. in fact its better than the new york one because you can hang out and have lunch but you dont have to look at or listen to any americans, which is a real advantage.

i dont really like the city that much, it sort of scares me, because its so full of adult man and attractive women. they unsettle me somewhat, also they are so fast and noisy. i prefer hanging out in my hood at south perth, that is my crib. i prefer the company of nice old pensioners, rather than people my age or adults, i know that seems strange.

wangst bought me a coffee which really wired me up, cos i also suffer from ADD sadly. i was going to say, hey wangst, im afraid i cant have coffee, because the caffeine is not good for my fragile little body, and also i am lactose intolerant, but i felt like that would be impolite so i said nothing. later on he asked if he could bite me on the neck and suck my blood, and again i didnt say anyhting cos i didnt want to be impolite or hurt his feelings.

i understand now that a big part of growing up and being an adult, whcih i am going to do soon, hopefully, as soon as i pass thru puberty, is being able to communicate openly and honestly and say when you dont want coffee or you dont want someone to suck your blood. this is something i will have to learn and im sure it will come to me in time.

anyway after he had sucked my blood, which was not a completely unenjoyable experience, except it was a bit strange and painful, and i kept thinking of marilyn manson the whole time as well which made it worse, but anyway, wangst said that in additon to my occasional rock and roll advice column, i should just write down my general sort of thoughjts about perth, cos he wanted a column written from the point of view of a eurasian virgin 15 year old boy who lives in perth.

he said it was called blogging or soemthing. he said martin zygote wasnt happy about me doing it, but he wanted me to anyway. so i said i would, and he said he was very happy, and he must have been too because i saw he had this huge erection. prpbably because he was thinking about his girlfreind or something, although he was staring at my body.

Sept 2

today i started writing down my general everyday thoughts for wangst. i was sitting in my south perth home today. i used to live in gosnells, but not anymore, i moved to a lovely big house near the foreshore with all the money i got from a short lived career in rock music. now i have retired i can take stock of my life, and evry day is a new adventure.

its never really the sort of adventure when you find like a magical toy dragon that comes to life anfd like, grows until he is very big, and then says jump on my back, suresh, i must take you to the orange kingdom, and then you jump on his great big scaly back and he flies off and lands at this place where everyone is made out of oranges, and they live in this big castle made completely from pieces of oranges and mandarins and grapefruits. and the king of the oranges says, you must help us little boy, only you can save us because your heart is pure, and it was written long ago by the prophet of the oranges that one day a little boy from south perth who loves citrus fruit would save us. and it turns out that like theres these other people called the avacodao warriors, whose bodies are made entirely out of avacados, and so they are very evil, cos as we all know avacados are crap and horrible. And they are coming to battle the orange people, and so i destroy the avacados and save the oranges, and like get married to the kings daughter, who is a princess of oranges, and when we travel back to south perth she magically transforms into a flesh and blood girl and then we start shagging every single day, and every morning we get up, after shagging a good several times, and theres this magical tree in the garden which is a gift from the king, and you just ask for anything and it grows, like tomatoes, icecream, toy cars, dolphins, women, whatever, and i ask it for chicks and i get like eight million chicks and my house becomes this big castle where i live with all these chicks. its never THAT sort of adventure, thats not what i mean.

i mean more like the sort of adventure when you wake up, have a bit of wank, have a coffee but then realise you shouldnt cos you get wired, but now its too late cos you already drank it, and youre all wired, then you go the library for a bit, and read a nice book about birds, then walk around earnest johnston oval till you find a place to sit and eat your sandwiches, then you walk home and bump into mrs. johnston from next door and have a bit of a chat, and then you sit outside on your verandah reading a nice book of strange poems by syliva plath which you dont really understand very much, and have a bit of an afternoon nap, wake up and have a nice cup of tea, then have a bit of wank again and go to bed. that sort of adventure, which is just as nice really.



Sept 4

i love being retired, hanging out in beautiful south perth. it is so cool. mrs johnston next door is a lovely old lady, sometimes i go round to her house and we have tea and scones and she tells me about her life. she is so lovely and nice, and talks about her husband who passed away and she misses him so. she is lonely the poor old darling. only once she asked if she could feel me up and suck my blood, and again i was too nervous to say no, but i know it was because she is just old and lonely, and it didnt change our friendship at all. and then there is old mr. peas who lives on the other side, he is this lovely old guy, i think he is european, he has like a german accent. i have been over to his house a few times, and we had a long conversation about greek mythology, because i was reading an encyclopedia of greek mythology i had got from the south perth library. he seemed really into it, he even has these plates, he said, but he couldnt show me because i am only 15. they must be quite violent, with like theseus slaying the minotaur and stuff, with this big spear that goes right through his eyeballs, how cool would that be.

unlike mrs. johnston, he seems reluctant to talk about his life and what he did during the war, only asking me about my life, and whether or not i have a girlfriend. i said sadly i do not. he smiled and said he found that hard to believe, a lovely good looking fellow like me. i said what about you? he looked startled and asked me what i meant, i said, dont you have a girlfriend? he said he was never married, and again seemd not to want to talk about it too much. i wanted to help him out becasue he seemed lonely, and i was thinking about hitching him up to mrs. johnston. but when i asked if he had met her, he frowned. He didnt seem to think much of her.

Similarly, when I raised the idea of them getting togetehr to Mrs. Johnston, she dismissed it as well. She doesnt seem to like him either, muttering something about Mr. Peas doing something strange during the war or something. Then she wouldnt talk about it anymore. Obviously they must have met during the war and had some sort of illicit liason, but then he dumped her or something. That must be why she doesnt want anything to do with him.

Which is a shame cos he is a lovely old guy, even if he does say strange stuff in some other language whilst he stares at my legs. But besides these eccentricities, he is a very nice guy, he once gave me five whole dollars to weed his backyard, which was very kind of him. He gave me this weird scooping thing and showed me how to use it to extract the clumps of weeds, and then said he had to go inside to call someone, but to take my time and not rush it. So i set about digging out these weeds and eventually got really good at it, even though I had to bend right over on my knees to really get them out. It took me about two hours to get them all out, and Mr. Peas never came back out. Then I turned around and saw him through the kitchen window, staring at me, and he had this really serious expression on his face like he was really concentrating on something. He must have been peeling some potatoes in the sink or somehting. Anwyay, he saw me looking at him and smiled. He must have been daydreaming about something, I see him do this alot, his face goes all strange sometimes, and he just stares at me, like he's rememebring old times, very long ago, like when he was a young man like me. This makes me feel a bit sad, you know, me being young with my whole life ahead of me, and him so close to popping his clogs, a kind old senior citizen one day and fertilizer the next. Life is so sad and strange in that way, but oh well, thats the way it is. It is strangely poetic in some way, I will have to write about it one day.

But then, after I feel sad about the fact Mr. Peas will soon cark it, I feel sort of good about coming around to help him out. Anyway I finished weeding and went back inside the house and he was having a shower, so i waited for him to come out, and was sort of going through some old medals he had in the lounge inside this box, little golden eagles and stuff, but then he came out so i quickly put it all back, cos i didnt want him to know i was going through his stuff, and he never saw me, which was just as well as he probaly wouldnt want me to come around again which would be a shame.

anyway thats all i have written for my first journal thing, i will write more here soon. love suresh

Posted by Suresh at September 5, 2003 09:25 PM