hello this is suresh wishing you all a happy and lactose free easter. happy easter all my sisters and brothers as well as all my islamic cousins who will not be reading this because you dont believe in easter and you think jesus was a bit of a jerk. you probably celebrate easter in a different way, by building two giant chocolate world trade towers and then blowing them up, in order to blast out all the little smarties inside.

or you probably do something else, like torturing a live bunny rabbit to death. or , maybe instead of having an easter egg hunt, you plant landmines in the garden for your kids to find. thats perfectly fine, and i want you to know that i do not judge you at all., its your right as muslims to celebrate easter in whatever way you see fit. and as a non-judemental christian i fully understand i have to tolerate you even though others may say your islamic ways are strange and possibly evil.

so hello to everyone in the world whatever your beliefs are, isnt it fantastic that we are all free to enjoy this holy day in whichever way we choose, whether we are christian and believe in the one true god, or whether we are into buddhism for example, which some people say isnt a real religion at all, but a mindless cult, but i for one think its very nice and cute, if thats what you little hollywood people want to do, thats perfectly alright with me. or am i thinking of scientology? well im sure theyre basically the same thing anyway.

i understand it involves a lot of chanting and meditating and spells and other things and i think thats absolutely marvellous if thats what you people are into. ive read the hobbit and one of my friends is very keen on dungeons and dragons so i think all that stuff is fantastic and if you have a lot of fun getting dressed up in colourful robes and wearing goat skulls and stuff like that i say good on you, its great that you can have fun and have a bit of a laugh dressing up and so on, and not take stuff like religion that seriously like the rest of us do because we think of it as the central pillar of our lives and what seperates us from unholy evil chaos. if you buddhists/scientologists enjoy having a bit of a lark rolling about in mud and getting drunk when you could be worshipping our true lord jesus on this most holy of all holy days then again as an understanding christian i must say thats perfectly alright, although others may say you are going to burn for the rest of eternity for your hideous blasphemy and weird eastern gobbledegook, thats not how i feel at all, i say good on you lads. i think youre great dont worry what mel says. hes a bit funny about this kind of stuff i know, he takes it a bit seriously god bless him.

if you came round my house and started getting nude on easter i wouldnt mind at all, but mel would probably be a bit different. he'd probably boot you out of his mansion im afraid to say, but he doesnt mean anything by it hes a lovely man really.

why just last week i was telling him how much i love "the passion of the christ", and how it was a great movie anyone could enjoy, but that, as a consummate catholic i felt i got alot more out of it because obviously im going to heaven. but i said i thought it was great that he was being nice enough to entertain and educate all those who beliefs are wrong as well. i mean he might very well have banned non catholics from seeing his films, put big signs up outside hoyts saying, if youre not a true catholic fuck off. but he didnt and hes a lovely man for it.

mel is a very dear friend of mine, and i know he hangs out with me not just because im catholic and so am entitiled to call on him day or frequently night.

because im catholic and so is he if i call him up at 3 am and say "mel, i cant sleep, lets hang out," he cant say fuck off suresh, i have to work in the morning, he has to, because otherwise he would be deserting a brother and would be banished to hell. but even though he seems a little grumpy about this at times i know he is really thrilled about our relationship and overjoyed i have come into his life. i remember him saying once that i was proof that god was testing him, and i cant say what an honour it is to be the one who is helping to bring mel gibson closer to god.

ive always stood by mel during the passion of christ controversy and will continue to do so. a lot of bad people have slagged him off, jumping to conclusions and saying things about him that simply arent true. i mean, so he hates jews, that doesnt necessarily make him an anti semite, now does it.

well they can persecute mel all they want but i know he will triumph in the end. they can beat him and torture him and crucify him but he will rise again, just like that famous story, what was it. you know the one, that famous mythological story, ive forgotten what it is now. i think its the one where the guy has to slay the minotaur or soemthing.

but anyway, coming back to easter and what it means to celebrate it in this new-millenial age in this rock and roll city of perth.

isnt it great that we are all free to worship the wonderful range of Gods they have out there now, whether they are Jesus the only true God or all those other nice not-real ones like buddha and allah and l. ron hubbard.

but easter isnt just about feeling sorry for our tragic non christian friends. its also about getting chocolates from your mum, yes i know im 17 and supposed to be grown up but fork them over bitch.

just a little joke there, but seriously, ive been bigging jesus up all over the world, carrying out his teachings, so it gives me a lovely warm glow when easter comes around and my homie J.C. gives me a few pieces of chocolate for all the effort ive put in being a christian all year round.

yeah that means a lot jesus thanks alot. im not being sarcastic at all, i really mean it. a few pieces of lactose free chocolate makes it all worthwhile. yeah, thts right, im lactose intolerant. and why am i lactose intolerant? because i was BORN lactose intolerant. thats right. its not like i had any say in the matter at all. its not like i became lactose intolerant because it was some fashionable hollywood thing. i heard ben stiller had special surgery to become asthmatic. thats fine. but i had no fucking choice. that fucking bastard God made me lactose intolerant. what a motherfucker hey?

the one fucking lousy day of the year when im supposed to reap my reward for sticking with an ancient and outdated religion and i cant even eat my fucking eggs or ill break out in a rash. thanks a fucking lot god.

there i am lying in my fucking crib not doing anything bad to anybody, im a harmless baby for crying out loud. maybe it was my first ever easter. anyway, god says, lets make suresh a modern day Job. then all christians will learn by example of his suffering.’ or some other meaningless bollocks like that. you know how fucking god goes on.

and then down pops Jesus with a magic wand and ZING! im fucking allergic to lactose. no more eggs for suresh.

thanks a lot god, you fucking git. and im supposed to come on here and tell everybody how great easter is? when they all get to eat lots of lovely chocolate, and all i get is a luke warm fucking CAROB drink with SOY milk?

huh? let me tell you something, I HATE FUCKING EASTER!!! I FUCKING HATE IT! You can stick your fucking eggs up your arse god! FUCK YOU!

Posted by Suresh at April 12, 2004 01:36 AM