Visit Canning Vale!
If youre looking to get away for the weekend but you dont want to go as far as Mandurah and you dont want to compromise the luxuries suburban living affords, perhaps you should consider bunking down in Canning Vale.
A Little about Canning Vale Canning Vale was discovered in 1997 by housing developers who didnt see the boggy unproductive wetland as a boggy unproductive wetland as it actually was, but as a potential site for low cost location housing to further the suburban sprawl. As first homebuyers had become savvy to the fraudulent image of nearby Forrest Lakes as an upper middle class family oriented area as it was, in reality, a dump, the local city councils needed to create an new image of estate existence. So the very next day they set about clearing bushland, pumping the water out of natural wetlands and installing fake lakes with bridges and strategically located grasses and such.
This booming new suburban metropolis is home to 20-24 year old first home buyers (mostly low level public servants and labourers) whose funds allowed them to pick a ready made home out of a Dale Alcock catalogue and having it dumped on their block in sandstone or colonial with optional brick paving. Canning Vale truly is testimony to the health of the Great Australian dream.
Prior to 1997 Canning Vale rode on the dog kennels back. Due to its remote location the rural land was used as the states most expansive boarding kennel district and housed thousands of dogs and cats from the northern suburbs whose owners went on holidays to Bali. There was also a pig farm out there, if I remember correctly and several battery hen warehouses.
Canning Vale towels were the official towel provider at the Sydney Olympic Games- as modelled here by some sporting fellow whose name I dont know. If its not Ian Thorpe, then I dont give a rats arse.
While youre there take a look see at the school of the future. Canning Vale Primary so closely resembles any city office block the kids wont even realise the repressive shit hole theyll inevitably end up working in in years to come is actually a repressive shit hole! This will reduce worker dissatisfaction in years to come and sedate the masses with familiarity, lack of conflict or a reason to think too much. Buildings such as these will become like mothers milk to 40year olds and it is projected that the incidence of midlife crises will decrease significantly with generations to come!When it comes to fine dining in Canning Vale you simply cant go past Nicholsons.* The McCain chunky fries are deep fried to perfection, the lasagne is layers of meat, pasta and cheese and the Jessicas Garden Chardonnay is only $6 a bottle- good to share! Probably best to book this one ahead though, its packed almost every night!
Hakea (formally known as Canning Vale) prison houses some of Western Australias most notorious criminals! But its a bit mean to make them be in there bored all day so the prisoners are allowed the ingrediance to make bombs and the opportunity of break outs daily! There have been several escapes in Hakeas history but housing estates next door are still considered to be a good idea!
This is Christmas inside Hakea Prison- the festivities never end!Residence in Canning Vale are too blinded by wood veneer, colour-bond roofing and roll-on-lawns to notice their far flung proximity to the rest of civilisation. But the cheery Canning Vale folk simply view this to mean that theyre closer to popular holiday destinations such as Mandurah (also known as where West Australians go to die).
* Please note: you can go past Nicholsons if you drive fast enough.
But where can I get me one of those luxurious looking towels?
This is a fine fine post, possibly one of the best I might say.
Comment posted by: erin at June 14, 2004 05:02 PMCanning Vale towels are avaliable at most major retail department stores. I think tho that that egg yoke yellow one sported there by that dude was ESPECIALLY for the Olympics. You may have to settle for another of the equally as impressive colours within the range.
Go safe.
Comment posted by: Calire at June 17, 2004 09:51 AMI€™m curious to what has happening in the PRC office now days. What change has the introduction of a female had? Has Wangst been forced to start wearing pants? Has there been any office romance? Is this the reason for a lack of constant updates? Have you three been having constant Nerd-on-Girl-on-Nerd whilst the rest of us are forced to sit alone in our room searching for €œthe older boy who asked me to wank him when I was 13€? Its not fair€
Comment posted by: Belter at June 25, 2004 02:45 AMThats a very good question Belter.
Yes, the lack of constant updates is due to orgiastic love in that has struck PRC HQ. Since my arrival i have been lovingly penetrated in all orifices by these nerds day in, day out.
The chess board, once poured over by a thourghtful Wangst for hours lays dormant, lonely and dusty in a the darkest corner of the office (next to the fan mail to monika kos- Suresh still winges about her as the vixen that escaped his wild sexuality).
The subscription bills for hard core porn sites have been slashed so we can afford decent coffee (not just that Viva shit) now and the key boards are less sticky.
Ive also removed that foul piss tasting Little Creatures beer from the kitchenette. I think the proprietors there once tried to offer the folks here some incentive to plug their little boutique operation out in Fremantle on this pillar of the community, cool, indi web site for the kids cred. HA. Not bloody likely. That vile liquid isnt good enough to feed Rove McManus. Despite common beleif we DO have some morals. We are not prostituting ourselves for that evil corporation.
These boys are an easy bunch to please, i must admit. I dont think theyve ever seen the sun- but Wangst tells me there is no need when he can generate perfectly good photo of it from a quick google search, and, as usual, he is right.
When hes not having thrashing sex with me, Martin spends most days sending free tampon samples from my Perth Women magazines to Colin Barnett. He tapes The World Around us with Lisa McCune so he can pause it and draw flies on the screen around her head during the intro.
As for me, i recently attended a dog show in Canning Vale. I shit you not, ever Saturday ppl take their dogs to an oval and prance about with them. This has been going for years apparently. Its the state head quaters of the breeders association. Being in CanningVale is like a holiday from reality.
So, as you can see its all go go go here. Unfortunately, that doesnt mean there is actually any product for PRC readers (all three of you). The demands of frequent copulation and the troublesome, sometimes dizzying affect of oestrogen + nerds means that the funniest contributers to this site are unable at most times to string a sentence, let alone a hilarious one, together for your enjoyment.
Comment posted by: Calire Amazoslafontz at June 26, 2004 07:22 PMI think that you should do more posts like these! This one is probably the best one around...
DO MORE!
- I.L.N. -
Comment posted by: I Like Nanas at July 18, 2004 05:26 PMWell boys and Girls this is absolulty fantastic to see that Canning Vale actually gets a mention as its a shit hole, Well moderatly better than South Guilford,
Comment posted by: Super Sexy Steve at July 19, 2004 09:33 PMCheers
S,S, Steve
This is definitely the funniest thing ever on this champion site. Little Aussie Battlers like myself demand more of the hilarious Calire.
How about a Today Tonight exclusive on dodgy tradesman whose dole bludging ways and ADD-affected kids are forcing you to use sponges that could endanger your family and cause you to put back those kilos that you lost?
Comment posted by: Rambunctious at July 20, 2004 09:25 AMLOL - South Guildford is like so much better than nan havens like Henley Brook!
Comment posted by: I Like Nans at July 20, 2004 11:10 AMActually Calire, the dog show was probably in Southern River not Canning Vale ;)
Comment posted by: Thundabot at July 20, 2004 08:02 PMBorderline there, Thundabot but i think you'll find that it still qualifies as Canning Vale.
I forgot to mention that on the way home from Canning Vale (as fast as i could) i damn near hit a flock of goats! GOATS!....whatthefuck.
Thanks for your concern Thundabot, we are, afterall, professionals.
Peace and tongue pashes to my adoring fans.
Comment posted by: Calire at July 21, 2004 10:54 AMYou think Canning Vale is a shit hole? Check out Thornlie!!!
Comment posted by: Juhan at July 22, 2004 11:08 PMhi
Comment posted by: Laura Carter at April 1, 2005 02:20 AMi live in canning vale, well i did until i decided to come to england and spend a few years here. my family still lives in canning vale on amherst road, and if theres one thing i must say about canning vale is that they dont seem to want to make the roads a safer place. i live just opposite sarah close and in the past 3 years we have lived there, there have been atleast 8 car accidents, one involving my sister and her friend walking back from the Woolworths petrol station, two cars colliding and they got shattered with glass. with numerous calls to the council and the police who just pass you on to eachother still nothing has been done, and speaking to my mum on the phone the other day all the way from england, i could still here the cars speeding down sarah close and screeching out of the end. i think as a community we should stick together and make the councils listen to us. with the amount of schools and parks (one just two houses away from my house) we should be thinking of the safety of the children and ourselves. i feel extremely strong about what goes on in my suburb and hate the fact that the government can spend $6 billion on a bloody belltower that was supposed to bring in all this money from tourists, and hasnt, but cant spend any of it to better the conditions of the roads or to go to schools of the hospitals.
ive never really expressed my views on this matter but thought no better place to let loose than on the web page that supports my suburb.
id like to hear from anyone who feels the same way...i know im all the way in england but i know of alot of poeple around canning vale who feel the same.
thanks for letting me have my say
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