These words together in a sentence make up the title!
The skies are looking grey in Angstland. I am as inept as ever when it comes to getting along with other human beings. Every time I think I might be making some semblance of progress with people, it turns out to be illusory. Like walking to the moon and feeling as if your getting closer.
By now you have decided that what I am really talking about is females (or rather the lack thereof in my life). But its more then that. I mean getting a girlfriend would be neat... but finding some way to temper this horrible loneliness has to be the main game right at the moment. Girls are only a subset of the problem.
The worst of it is that its a vicious circle. I get depressed about it and instead of using that as my impetus for trying harder I just withdraw even further from the world. Which depresses me.
Its certainly not a lack of self-esteem. Fuck no. I love myself alot more then anyone could possibly realise. I spend the first 10 minutes of every day looking at myself in the mirror and the second 10 minutes of ever day masturbating over what I saw. I once wrote
a piece on Angstythink about how the only man in the entire world with whom I would be gay is a clone of myself. Thats how much i love myself.
No it has to be something else. Some sort of strange, unjustified aloofness.
You know I used to think that the way I am with people was a character strength rather then a weakness. That there was no problem with my communication skills or self esteem... but rather there was just my preference to wait for people to realise for themselves what a great guy I am instead of going up and telling them so. Sort of like politeness, only taken to the point that it becomes a psychological disorder rather then something thats good. Its like i'm even more english then the english. Like I never want to force myself on people. I am forever waiting patiently for others to realise they should include me in their conversation/circle of friends/life. That I am worth it.
I now realise 2 things-
1: Girls dont like modest guys. They like guys that are in your face and full of confidence. No matter how misplaced that confidence may be.
2: People can't possibly know you are better then them unless you tell them so.
So right there are 2 rules that I plan to live by from now on. Next time I see you (and lets face it.... I probably know you fairly well since the only people reading this site are the people I know) i'm likely to punch you in the face and then yell at you loudly about how much better I am then you at HTML (or something else im good at.) Possibly I may have to tell you about my skills with HTML,
before I punch you in the face...... because when I punch you I will knock you out cold such that you will be unable to hear my loud agressive bragging. I'll do the same thing to strangers on the street. I'm sure when the young lass comes to she will be head over heals in love with me.
I am not entirely sure why I am writing about this. I figured that if I sat down and started to write about how miserable i've been feeling the last couple of days that perhaps something funny would come of it. I thought that perhaps I could segue from "i hate myself and think often of suicide" into more jokes about harry potter and sperm donations. Alas... i've instead spent the last half an hour writing about some of the most unfunny bollocks ever conceived.
Unless of course you find misery to be inherrantly funny.
Which I do.
Take the middle east for instance. Everyone, bar no one, is saying they want peace in Israel. Then they demonstrate this by turning around and killing people! Look at the misery they cause! Comedy gold! Shakespeare himself couldn't have scripted a better tragic comedy.
George Bush: "We want peace in the middle east."
*as he speaks another bomb falls on an Iraqi palace decimating the surrounding neighborhood killing many innocent civillians*
Ariel Sharon: "We want security, stability and peace in Israel."
*as he speaks another IDF helicopter missile thrusts into a Neighborhood in the Gaza strip. 1 terrorist dies. Numerous innocent palestinians children die also and those that don't, grow up to join Hamas*
Yasser Arafat: "Terrorism is bad mmmmkay!?!!!"
*as he speaks another young Palestinian boards a bus bound for Jerusalem with a few kilos of explosives strapped to his chest. Many innocent israelis die.*
Rinse. Repeat.
Ok so that's not really very funny at all.
P.S. The personal pronoun "I" was used 36 times in this post. 38 times if you count the sentences preceeding and following this one. I promise that the next post on freedumb will be less about me.
Posted by ExistAngst at July 6, 2003 02:09 AM