The Other 95 Percent

Just So You Know

Just so you know, I am not a homosexual.

I always feel like I have to get this information established very early on in the relations that I have with other men. People seem to notice that I speak very well and they imediately jump to the conclusion that I must be gay. And time and time again I have to explain to people that I like women and not men. You have to trust me on this people, I dress like I am blind and my bedroom looks it has been housing a caveman for the last year. There is no way I can be gay.

It is not that I am homophobic it is just that I am afraid of homsexuals. Now look. Before I go any further here I just want to establish a few things in case there are any ganster homosexuals out there who might possibly take offence at the things I am about to write. As you read this be aware that I have many gay people who are friends of mine. I quite like gay people when i get to know them. They certainly make very entertaining reality television and i wish them all the best in the future.

With that said, I think that all straight men, if they were a little bit honest with themselves, would say that gay men scare them a little bit. The problem is that like all men, I read statistics. And statistics say that atleast 1 in every 10 men have homosexual tendancies of one sort or another and between 1 and 5 in every 100 men actually have gay sex on a semi regular basis.

Now I challenge you to walk down a city street and for the next 100 people you pass count 10 that you think possibly wouldnt mind their bread buttered on both sides. Count also the 3 men that you think have engaged in a bit of mano a mano vegimite pushing at some point in the last few weeks. What people call homophobia is more often then not a fear of the unknown. When you pass a man wearing mascara and a hat made of tropical fruits you know exactly who you are talking to. When you dicover that the guy who works in the office next to yours, who wears the same things to work that you do, looks and behaves in all ways like you and just happens to be homosexual that is a shock to the system.

The phenomenon I am talking about also dominates the relationships that straight men have with other straight men. Straight men are tireless in their search of gay men and this includes the time they spend with their straight footy mates (cricket is a bit more dicey). For instance, imagine the following scene: Barry, with tongs and knife in hand, is handling the barbeque. MacKenzie (Macca to his mates) is kicking the football to Darren (Dazza to his mates). He is doing it while holding in beer in his left hand. But it is a light beer so these things cancel themselves out a little bit. Darren, the leader and the biggest loudest braggart in the group, notices that Barry is operating the barbeque in a way that is slightly unusual. He is not burning the shit out of anything that is edible in the usual fashion of straight men having a barbeque. Darren notices that Barry is gently searing one side of the steaks on high heat, and then turning down the heat to let the meat simmer for a bit before serving it up medium rare. BAZZA YOU FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! shouts Darren after putting his knife through the meat, MY STEAK IS STILL CHEWING GRASS! YOU HAVENT COOKED MY MEAT PROPERLY! YOU THINK IM SOME SORT OF A CAVEMAN!! Bazza retorts imediately, FUCK OFF CUNT! I'LL POKE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT!!

Now pause the scene in your mind. An important thing is happening here in the relationship between one straight man and another. Australian men are famously bad at expressing their feeling. And they dont get any better at it when they are talking to their mates. What Dazza is really asking of Bazza goes like this...

"Hi Barry. I notice that you are being delicate in the way you are cooking that meat. I also note that you do not burn your meat like real men do but rather eat it while it is still quite red. Look.... ive been told that these are characteristics commonly found among homosexuals. Are you a homosexual Barry? Because I sure as hell am not and I am trying to work out who among the men known to me, like to have sex with other men. It is nothing personal, I am just curious."

And Barry's retort can be translated to mean....

"Fuck off you cunt. Notice i swear alot and would just as happily swat a blow fly as i would gut you like a fish. From this you should infer that I am a straight man who most certainly does not like hard cock"

Its not that straight men hate gay men. Its just that straight men are on a never ending quest to work out who the gay men are and gay men are on a never ending quest to keep it a secret. And straight men find that frustrating. Put a straight man in the same room as 3 gay men. Molly Meldrum, some guy wearing make up and a hat that involves tropical fruit in some way and a gay guy who pretends to be straight so that he can get closer to straight men. It definitely wont be Molly or the flamboyant mardi gras homo that makes the straight guy feel uncomfortable. It is the deceptively straight looking gay man. He even looks like you. And talks like you. He is you. Come on. I't wont be so bad. It will be just like having sex with yourself. It will be just like masterbating. Come on. Come up for a coffee.

It is, for better or worse, a fear of uncertainty rather then a fear of homosexuality. Once the uncertainty is gone there is nothing left to fear, gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-gender, transexual or otherwise. Posted by ExistAngst at January 13, 2005 01:02 AM