February 14, 2005

John Paul II vs Dan Brown

Well the Pope seems to be on the way out. Which is ok you know. He is 84 after all. It is not like he has had a short innings. He has been around for a long time, The Pope is Dopedone a lot of neat stuff and now it is his time to go into the fertiliser industry.

Browsing the internet for funny things to say about the Pope I discovered that the Pope is actually a very prolific author. How about that! Dan Brown eat your heart out! It looks like there is going to be some substance to this post after all! Up till now I had planned on just repeatedly refering to the Pope as the Poop. But not now. Now I have something to run with. The Pope was the literary genius behind such classics as:
  1. Redemptor hominis. All about the dignity of man. Somehow manages to gloss over the fact that men who like to wear chicken suits are not very dignified. This book was widely read after a Priest in Sao Paulo insisted that his entire congregation read it. It made it to number 1263 on the Amazon best sellers list.

  2. Dives in misericordia All about the mercy of God. Why a loving God would need to display a capacity for mercy in the first place is never quite explained. Nobody can say if I am a particularly merciful person or not because I try not to do cuntish things to people in the first place. Sells over a dozen copies after numerous people confuse "John Paul II" with a Beatles biography of a similar name.

  3. Sollicitudo Rei Socialis Latin for "On Social Concerns". This is the one where the pope criticises economic and political ideologies of both western capitalism and eastern communism. Whether or not the Pope has an degree in economics giving him the authority to pass judgement on such matters is never discussed with his publishers. The Pope waits anxiously for a Nobel Prize in economics but it is not forthcoming.

  4. Veritatis Splendor This is latin for "the Splendour of Truth". Despite the title this book has very little to do with truth and alot to do with the same old staid churchy themes. One of the janitors at the Vatican rated this his favorite Pope publication.

  5. Evangelium Vitae This is latin for "the Gospel of Life". This is the Pope at his creative best. This imaginative tome of fiction is all about how wanking, condoms and the contraceptive pill are tools of the devil and are inherently evil. JP2 (John Paul the second) also spends a few chapters pontificating on the evils of euthanasia. The Pontiff shows himself here to be in possession of a brilliant imagination and at the top of his literary talents. Despite being critically acclaimed, it sells poorly and the Pope is photographed leaving a book store with a dozen copies under his arm.

  6. Ecclesia de Eucharistia This one is completely unreadable. I have no idea what the pope is talking about in this book. I have read it from cover to cover and I cant make heads or tails of it. This is around the time that the Parkinson's really started to kick in. Like the rest of the books authored by the Pope, Dan Brown does not decide to read this book.

Of course that old nemesis of the Pope, Dan Brown has also written a few books in his time. He has written...
  1. Digital Fortress All about the National Security Agency and code breaking. A facinating look at cyber terrorism and a well written novel. Sells like a million copies.

  2. Angels & Demons Join protagonist Robert Langdon as he has adventures around Vatican City. I haven't read this book but I am pretty sure there is a chapter where Langdon plays twister with the Pope. The Pope retires early because his arthritis and progressing Parkinson's prevent him from putting his left foot on the green circle. Angels and Demons sells a trillion copies. Or something like that.

  3. Deception Point Ummm. Much like Digital Fortress only this time about NASA instead of NSA. The Pope read this book as he does all Dan Brown books.

  4. The Da Vinci Code The most widely read book of all time. Even the Bible gets left in its dust. This book is about how the Holy Grail is not Dan Brown - The Da Vinci Codeactually a chalice but rather a woman. Mary Magdalene to be precise. Dan Brown never actually says it openly but it is pretty obvious to all concerned what this implies: that to find imortality one must find the skeletal cunt of Mary Magdalene and drink from it. Harrison Ford is rumoured to be grateful that this book was released long after he played the part of Grail enthusiast Indiana Jones.
Oh wait. Shit. I am sorry, I should have given a warning. The preceeding passage contains plot spoilers. So if you intend on reading The Da Vinci Code I suggest you do not read the preceeding paragraph because it will spoil the plot.

Just by the way and quite incidental to everything else I have written here, does it really matter if we have a frail and senile old Pope? All the commentary in the news seems to be around whether or not the Pope should retire to allow a fit and more able Pope to take his place. The needle on the care-factor dial is struggling to rise above zero. I mean what important stuff does the Pope really do on a day to day basis that requires mental acuity or indeed the ability to stand, walk or speak? Ok so he travels a fair bit and that requires reasonable good health. But surely the Catholics of the world will get over it won't they? The Pope is too old to come and vist you. Deal with it.

Look. I am not saying that it wouldn't be better if we had a fit able-bodied Pope instead of this old frail one. I am just saying that when your job description involves waving from a Vatican window and muttering some unintelligible Latin into a microphone you probably don't need too many sick days and you can probably do a bang up job of it untill the day you die. Ok so maybe the Pope won't be authoring very many more books before he dies. But nobody reads them anyway. I'm just saying is all.

There is also quite a bit of debate about who will be the next Pope. Look.... the Pope before the current one was John Paul the First. This one we have now is John Paul the Second. I am going to have a wild stab in the dark and say that the next Pope will be John Paul the Third. It's not rocket science people. Posted by ExistAngst at February 14, 2005 06:07 AM
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