hello, anonymous or "scoutboy" here. welcome to this Special Melbourne Cup Edition of Perth Rock City! And what better celebrity to give us some racing tips this year, then our our very own song writing genius and Vampire Racecourse resident, Luke Steele. Luke is a real "dark horse", so I'm sure he will be quite expert in this "field" (get it?), even if he is more used to dealing with TRACKS as in songs, rather than TRACKS, in the horse racing sense. Get it? Good one, eh! That comedy writing badge is as good as mine!



Hello mortals. So you want some tips for the Cup eh? And you expect me to help you out when you paid almost no attention to my previous albums? I had to go all the way to Europe to make it. And now you've come crawling back. Oh, alright then, I'm a nice guy, in a very strange sort of way, so I'll give you some tips. Actually I have almost no interest in the stupid melbourne cup, as I breed mostly special European horses which can fly through the air and attack sleeping maidens. But if you want to talk about your crappy old Australian horses I'll see what I can do.

MAMOOL $6.50



This one is the favourite, but ask yourself, how fast would this horse be able to run if I put a straw through one of its kidneys and sucked all its blood out. It wouldnt run very fast at all after that I can tell you.

MUMMIFY $7.00



this one is my favourite. the ancient egyptians used to mummify their dead by wrapping them up very tightly after carefully extracting all their internal organs, a process not entirely unlike vampirism. If I drained this horse of its innards, swathed it in black gauze and then buried it in my backyard for three years, do you think it would be able to race after that? Not too bloody likely. I know what I'm talking about.

ZAGALIA $7.50



a very strong and nicely turned out horse this, i cant wait to suck its guts out and eat them, and then slash a big hole in his stomach and fill it with apples.



Luoke Steele breaking in a new horse on his ranch for vampire horses. This young horse will soon become undead, it will develop fangs and strange eerily glowing eyes, and it will learn how to sleep hanging upside down.

FRIGHTENING $10.00



i dont see anything remotely frightening about this horse. can it turn into a giant bat and chase after young anorexic European girls? of course not. its crap. my horses are much scarier than this. Even I am much scarier than this, even first thing in the morning when I havent got any glittery eye shadow on. maybe it could go mad and try to bite you if it got rabies or something, but i wouldnt put money on it. actually, why not, i'm extremely rich.

GREY SONG $11.00



i once wrote a song called grey song. i released it as a B-Side in Rumania, so I wouldnt be surprised if you lot haven't heard of it. But if this horse is anything like MY Grey Song, it should be very slow and sound almost exactly like "#9 Dream" by John Lennon.

PENTASTIC $21.00



Despite having a cool name, this horse is also crap and not in the least bit scary. My horses, who have been specially trained as vampires, could tear it to pieces with their bare teeth in minutes. You should come round to Vampire Racecourse sometime and see my horses, they'll fucking kill you mate. Tear your ears right off. That poncy bloke from End Of Fashion who betrayed me had better not come round, they'll eat him for breakfast, they will.



A horse after it has been attacked by Luoke Steele. Note the signs of vampiric oral intrusion upon its neck and hide.

MILLSTREET $26.00



I don't know about Mill Street, but I used to live on Mill Point Road in South Perth, and very popular I was with the neighbours too, before they started going missing. That was before I moved to Transylvania and started stabbing peasant wenches with huge wooden stakes. This horse is shit though, it's like the equine equivalent of End of Fashion. I bet I could rip its bollocks of and then drown it in a moat with no difficulty at all.

Luke Steele is a songwriter and horse trainer. His new album is out now.

Posted by Martin Zygote at November 3, 2003 04:33 PM