Why I hate the Sun
I hate the sun.
I don't mean "oh gee that sun is a little bit annoying today." I mean, "I HATE THE SUN". I want to extinguish the sun. Pour water on it untill it is cold and hard like a dead cold hard star.
Some nerdbo (who perhaps did a few units in biology at uni) is going to tell me that the Sun is the source of all life on this planet. They are going to go on and on about how if it weren't for the sun, then all life on the planet would die because the grass would stop growing, the cows would die because they have no more grass to eat, not to mention the fact that the cows would constantly bump into each other since it would always be dark, and then the USA would die because they have no more hamburgers to eat and then the world would die because.... well lets face it, the world can't exactly go on living live without Americans now can it?To this nerdo i will predictably reply, "FUCK OFF". Because the truth is that the sun does none of these things. What the Sun REALLY does is it makes things hot. That is its purpose. Make things hot as a mother fucker. The temperature in Perth yesterday was 41 degrees. Celsius motherfuckers. Thats pretty fucking hot. Not 41 degrees farenheit, which would be quite tolerable and nice and only a few degrees above freezing and an example of the Sun doing its job responsibly. 41 degrees celsius. In most other parts of the world that would be cause for presuming that the world is about to end. If you lived in London (and spoke a poor imitation brand of cockney) and it got as hot as 41 degrees celsius you would say....
"Oright lads. It looks like tha apocalypse is apon us. Go 'ome to ya missus have a bit of the up and down, in and out just for old time sake, tell your liddle ones ya love em, an' den prepare for the world ta be swallowed up by the Sun and for human civilisation to end"Unfortunately here in Perth we are used to weather like this. We just have to grin and bear it. We walk past one another in the street and say things like...
"CRIKEY! It's a bit warm isnt it?"As if flippant sarcasm is going to make me laugh when my face is sliding down off my head. Or we say things like...
"Hot enough for ya mate?".And then we Perthians reply with things like...
"SHUT UP YOU JOVIAL FUCKERS! I KNOW ITS HOT! WE ALL KNOW ITS HOT! ALL YOUR PLEASANT WEATHER BANTER IS DOING NOTHING BUT MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO ME THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS LIKE A SWEATY PINK TURD! HOT WEATHER IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER ABOUT WHICH JOKES SHOULD BE MADE!!!"Maybe you think I am exagerating. I'm not. I overheard blowflies saying "Fuck me its hot! I think i might just sit in the shade today rather then doing my normal thing which is to fly around heaps." I saw Aboriginal men, pitch as the blackest coal, putting on sunscreen. An inch thick. And then still getting sunburnt. I had to pull my cat from the pool after it had jumped in for a while to cool down. I saw eucalyptus trees setting themselves on fire in order to cool down. Believe me it was hot.
Well I don't like you either.
Comment posted by: The Sun at March 24, 2004 11:04 AMwangst reminds me of the lyrics from a song by jarvis cocker, the second greatest songwriter and second coolest man of all time.
i used to hate the sun
because it shone on everything i'd done
it made me feel like all that i had done
was overfill the ashtray of my life.
all my achievements from days of yore
range from pathetic to pisspoor...
but all that's gonna change.
i think, wangsty, that the real reason you revile the sun is for the same reason as jarvis: because it shines light upon your wasted, debauched and erratic existence.
Comment posted by: suresh at March 26, 2004 01:03 PMactually suresh, let me give you the real lyrics to that song, "sunrise" off pulps last album, "we love life".
Made me feel that all that I had done was overfill the ashtray of my life.
All my achievements in days of yore range from pathetic
to piss’poor’ but all that’s gonna change.
Because here comes sunrise. Yeah’ here’s your sunrise.
I used to hide from the sun’ tried to live my whole life underground.
Why’d you have to rise & ruin all my fun
Just turned over’ closed the curtains on the day.
But here comes sunrise.
Yeah’ here’s your sunrise when you’ve been awake
all night long & you feel like crashing out at dawn.
But you’ve been awake all night’ so why should you crash out at dawn
a wise message in there for all of us: we need to keep rocking, even when it's broad daylight. if wangst wasnt such an un-rock n roll pussy, he would know this and wouldnt be bitching about the sun being non-conducive to a wasted mode of living. ive seen goths wearing thick leather trenchcoats which stretched down to their ankles strolling about in this skin blistering heat. and they were still pale as shit. come on wangsty, stop being a big baby and learn how to ROCK. this is the real reason perth rock city has gone to the dogs, you guys have turned into BIG GIRLS.
Comment posted by: nerdbo indie pulp fan at March 26, 2004 01:15 PMi remember when you guys were cool, but now it seems like you just cant be fucked.
for instance, when that breakinzee balls guys was sounding off like a squeaky little bitch. in the early days you would have hunted that little bitch down, torn his fucking face off and made him eat it.
but instead you just told him to fuck off.
not exactly the actions of hard core non stop sex animals; and neither is being squeamish of a little skin cancer.
dont you boys know a little skin cancer never hurt anybody? you sicken me, all of you.
especially you suresh.
hey fuck you. i never said i was scared of skin cancer. bring it on.
Comment posted by: suresh at March 26, 2004 01:17 PMDont mean to tell you guys how to do your important cultural observation thing that amuses me so, but your little slack-arse holiday has meant so many things, begging for you attention, have gone swiftly by. You'll bitch about the fucking sun but Oestrogen-channel-nine-news escapes you? A weather moppet who ought to be in kindy is on the back of every second transperth bus- marinating our suburbs in her mediocrity and you people are on holiday? Hands out of pants boys- im sick of only using the internet for my daily horoscope and to vote for the Hot House.
Comment posted by: Claire at March 29, 2004 08:42 PMI think you are reading too much into what it is we do here.
I don't know much about high fallutin ideas like cultural observation.
I'm just a guy that hates the sun alot.
Comment posted by: ExistAngst at March 29, 2004 09:50 PMI agree with you claire, that blond bitch took my job! I'm a respected ... well, not respected ... QUALIFIED meteorologist, and they replace me with some bimbo that cant even pronounce "medium-showers", just because she gives some pervs a "high-front"! Why did I never get MY face an a transperth bus? (setting aside the fact i look like an autobot from Transformers)
That been said, FYI ExistAngst, i think ull find that we need the sun so that Jeff Newman has a job; and if there was no jeff newman, then what? it does not bear thinking about
Comment posted by: Todd Johnston at March 30, 2004 04:27 PMI think you'll find that Jeff Newman still has important work to do attempting to induce signs of teenage life on Perths best high school trivia challenge show 'Its Academic'.
Comment posted by: Claire at March 30, 2004 09:30 PMHoly crap, this website is still updated?!
Comment posted by: secretpint at March 30, 2004 10:51 PMit is updated very
Comment posted by: martin zygote at March 31, 2004 09:46 AMvery
very
slowly.
at almost the same speed
it takes two boys
too withdraw from
very powerful drugs
and pass through unimaginable hell in the meantime.
but every now and then
when were not shaking like frightened bitches
we find time to put the occasional pertinent and rib-breakingly hilarious satirical gem on here.
i hate the sun too! hooray!
Comment posted by: mmmmrain! at August 27, 2004 03:38 PMThe shade..Is a tool.. A device.. A savior..See I try and look up to the skiy, But my eyes burn
Comment posted by: Chino at January 16, 2005 11:40 PMMy own summer- Deftones
The sun's a little bitch.
Comment posted by: at March 19, 2005 02:43 PMI hate the sun!! I can't even walk underneath that basturd without bursting into flames!!
Comment posted by: K.A.R at March 27, 2005 10:03 PMPost a comment