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the Suburb of Fremantle can fuck right off.

I am right now, if you will allow, going to write about something that is incredibly trivial. So incredibly trivial and completely unimportant that in a few hours time I am going to wonder why I ever bothered starting to write about this in the first place. So incredibly trivial that I am almost embarrassed to be writing about it. Almost. When around the world lives are being lost, dreams are being realised, nightmares are being lived, nations are being torn apart and history is being made...... while all that is taking place I am going to talk about the rivalry between the West Coast Eagles and the Fremantle Fucking Dockers.

I'm going to lay it down right from the start so there can be no confusion. Fremantle is a suburb of Perth and fans of the Fremantle Dockers are, without exception, either old, stupid or missing a chromosome or 2 such that they have the physical appearance of Corky from that 80's TV show.

Here. Let me get a map for you. Can one of you smelly fish fuckers from Fremantle take a squiz at that map and tell me where Fremantle is? What's that you say in your girly high-pitched fremantle voice? You can't find Fremantle on that map? Well here is some news for you pal... even if you weren't illiterate, you STILL wouldn't find Fremantle on that map because it simply isn't on that map. And do you know why? Wait for it... here it comes.... BECAUSE FREMANTLE ISN'T A CITY YOU BRAINDEAD SIMP!!!! It is a suburb of Perth. A subset of Perth. A small part of the greater metropolis that is Perth. It is the place that we go when we want to buy fish or watch John Butler. And since we rarely want to do either we mostly stay the fuck away. Bunbury is more deserving of the moniker "City" then Fremantle is.

Here let me show you another map. Look at this map you morons of Fremantle. This map actually registers your festering pus wound of a suburb as being a destination. Oh and look. It mentions all them other cities of Perth including York, Canningvale, Bailup and Bartons Hill.

HAH

And for some reason I never hear the humble residents of Bartons Hill trying to kick up dust in The West Magazine, making outlandish secessionist claims such as "We are a city". Because they KNOW that they are mere inbred yokels hardly capable of mustering people enough to form a B&S Ball let alone a City.

The website for the "City(sic) Of Fremantle" makes me even angrier. To quote....
Fremantle is a special place renowned for its easy yet vibrant lifestyle. The aim of Fremantle Focus is to provide you with an opportunity to explore our city of culture. Fremantle has long been known as Western Australia's other capital. It is the largest metropolitan retail centre outside of Perth and attracts over 2 million visitors annually
WHO? Who is it that has long known Fremantle as the other Capital of Western Australia? Need I refer you back to the map that formed exhibit A? That map sure as damn fuck doesn't reckon that Fremantle is the other capital of Western Australia. I would prefer to regard Broome as being the other capital of Western Australia before Fremantle. Who exactly is it that regards Fremantle as being the other capital of Western Australia? Is it the sub-citizens of Fremantle itself? Well fuck them.... i've already made it clear that they don't count. They should barely be counted in the census, let alone be taken seriously when they ramble on about Fremantle being the second capital city of Western Australia. Honestly. Show me just ONE motherfucker outside of Fremantle itself, that regards Fremantle as being the second capital of Western Australia.

And since when is Fremantle the second largest retailer outside Perth. For starters it ISN'T outside Perth. It is entirely within Perth. Ask the residents of Canningvale and Serpentine what city they live in. And if you can get them to lift their head out of their own vomit for long enogh you will hear them say "Perth. I live in Perth." I mean Fremantle MIGHT be a powerhouse of retail commerce. That MIGHT be a claim you MIGHT be able to make. That it is a suburb that sells alot of things to tourists. But big fucking deal anyway. It's hardly a big deal selling a hemp shirt and a novelty bong to every dumbarse German tourist that wanders foolishly by.

So. With that foundation set, let me talk about the Fremantle Dockers. Those Aussie Rules Chokers. Those perennial bridesmaids of the national game. So god damn lame that they have to play their home games in Subiaco, right in the heart of Perth.

I can't say too much here. The truth of the matter is that I dont mind the Fremantle Dockers. They are kinda lovable in a "can't play football for shit, but good at domestic violence" (step forward Jeff Farmer) kind of way.

Which brings me back to why I fucking HATE the people of Fremantle. Not only do they think that Fremantle is a town, which is crime enough in my eyes, not only do they barrack for those full time losers in the Fremantle Dockers, but they have an entirely irrational and unreasonable hatred for the West Coast Eagles.

I mean I barrack for the West Coast Eagles. But my attitude is always one whereby if the eagles can't make it to the Grand Final, I would prefer to see the Dockers make it to the grand final. The Dockers are my second favorite football team. Watching those lovable duffers run around on the big paddock trying to kick goals is endearing. Like watching baby ducklings trying to fly.

But ask a fan of the Dockers which AFL team is his second favorite?? And from his mouth will stream a torrent of anti-eagles bile. Proclaiming John Worsfold to be the devil incarnate (woah hang on you Fremantle freak thats a bit rough isnt it?) and about how their second favorite team is whatever team is playing the Eagle. Oh the Wit and Panache. Well fuck right off. That is un-Western Australian. In fact it is downright seditious and ought to be treated as such.

westcoast.gif You see that there? That is Western Australia. You see that thick blackline? That is the West Coast of Australia. That means that all people who live along that coast are represented by the West Coast Eagles. Talk seditious shit about the West Coast eagles and you might as well renounce your citizenship of Western Australia shortly thereafter you treacherous slime.

If I had been born in Fremantle i would be a braindead simpleton with a website called "FremantleSmegSuburb". But I would probably be too limp wristed and useless to write things on a keyboard and post them on my site. Your lucky i'm from Perth and can present to you this rant on those fuckers in Fremantle.

Posted by Wangst McPants at August 28, 2004 06:41 AM


'Life Goes On'. So many issues in such a small family. And who calls their retarded child Corky? As if he's not going to get picked on enough.

Comment posted by: Calire Amazoslafontz at August 28, 2004 12:05 PM

Good point regarding Corky.

My third favourite team is whomever is playing the Eagles.

"Santa Claus is real" - Corky.

Comment posted by: Torre at August 29, 2004 03:32 PM

Mr McPants

Your second map has "PERTH" in large capitals, the suburbs in small capitals, but "Fremantle" in a special typeset of large, uncapitalised.

Note that the first map has "PERTH" in large capitals and "Bunbury" in the same special typeset of large, uncapitalised.

The only reasonable inference one can draw from this is that "Bunbury" and "Fremantle" are similiar, and both in some other category than the suburbs of Perth.

Please explain how that fits with your thesis.

Regards
Mr A. Nil

P.S. One possibility is that the author of the map has tried to implicitly characterise the people of Fremantle as child sex offenders.

Comment posted by: Mr A. Nil at August 30, 2004 03:02 PM

Im guessing the link is that theyre both full of worthless hippies and bogans ... and if you look at the second map, you'll notice Northam is likewise printed in lower-case, signifying that it, too, is a bogan-ville not worthy of capital letters.

Nothing says "we're a shit-hole!" like lowercase letters!!

Comment posted by: at August 30, 2004 08:11 PM

the only football in WA is WAFL ... the eagrles and dockers are just an excuse to give WAFL players a bit more experience

thats why theyre so average

WAFL is good, dockers/eagles are the illegitimate bastards of WAFL


that being said, i still think WA is the greatest, its just that our sport teams are shit (afl ive discussed; the RETRAVISION warriors [not western anymore]; those fags that play roundball and dress in purple/orange/white/brown/red/blue/green and evry other bloody colour; and of course whateva our netball team is called)

Comment posted by: i swear im from Nedlands... at August 30, 2004 08:21 PM

p.s. isnt Albany the next-largest township of WA? i dunno, maybe kalgoorlie is, what with its big hole and all

Comment posted by: at August 30, 2004 08:23 PM

According to my Mum, Bunbury is the next biggest city behind Perth.

I guess i could look that up, but, eh. My mum is usually right with trivial shit like that. The other day she was telling me how much she likes china plates and tea pots. Good for her.

Comment posted by: Calire at August 30, 2004 09:15 PM

I went to the discussed Suburb the other day
Bloody cold and $22 for fish and chips
what the fuck?
its not as though they had to transport it far
get it out of the water and stick it in some oil, easy.
fuckers.

Comment posted by: Belter at August 31, 2004 05:07 PM

hmm...yes , oh so very true , especially about that non existent part where i call my self captain dry sandwich and run around with underwear on my head , screaming that my best friend is johnny nutcracker , a rabid racoon that lives in a matchbox , and that we occasionally hook up for easy sex when we have nothing better to do .

Comment posted by: Nutty McSquirrel at August 31, 2004 10:55 PM

What is it about sub-standard satire that draws in the loony and unhinged like moths to a candle?

Belter makes a good point. Fish and Chips in Kalgoorlie should be expensive. In Fremantle it should be practically free.

Funbury (The Geraldton of the South) is the second biggest population centre in the state. But who cares? Perth is the only city in this state.

Funbury and Fremantle are both written in the same font because they are both shitholes.

I would think that anyone from Nedlands wouldnt be advertising that fact.

Also thankyou to everyone who understood my reference to "Life Goes On". I have a CD of yours at home Torre. Can i get you to sign it some day?

Comment posted by: Wangst McPants at September 1, 2004 08:13 AM

if fremantle is REALLY a city, and not just a suburb of Perth, then why does the PERTH metro-railway system go there? huh? HUH?
i dont see midland, joondalup or armadale trying to cut themselves away from Mother Perth... mind you, i dont think anyone would notice if they did

Comment posted by: at September 1, 2004 09:40 PM

Bunbury is the second largest CITY in the state. Questioning whether Bunbury is a city or not means you don't understand town planning regulations, census laws, or any other measures which the government has created to tell the difference between a suburb, a city, a state, and Amanda Vanstone (hint: the latter generally has at least 4 distinct postcodes and in excess of 12 gravy stains within a 30 kilometer radius), and that you are most like a milk-fed gimp who has never been further south than Rockingham.

Comment posted by: Mordant at December 8, 2004 05:16 PM

I really don't like people from Fremantle and always have but its got nothing to do with retarded AFL. Its because people from Fremantle are almost always left-wing labor-voting union-loving john-howard-hating-for-no-good-reason-beacuse-they're-too-stupid-to-look-beyond-the-media pinko communist hippies. I FUCKING HATE HIPPIES. And they write their crap to the Letters to the Editor in the West Australian (which, by the way, is poor grammar) and all the stupid letters are always from Fremantle or surrounding areas. EVERY time. Its like there's some chemical for increasing stupidity in their water.

Comment posted by: DieHippieScum at January 9, 2005 09:56 PM

The only time I go to Fremantle is to have a dump. The whole place stinks and so do the poofy girls who call themselves the Dockers.
Bell is the biggest girl of all.

Comment posted by: Wayne Mitchell at February 18, 2005 04:28 PM

The comments by Wangst McPants are just rubbish.
He has sucked too much nob.

Comment posted by: Wayne Mitchell at February 19, 2005 06:30 PM

The comments by Wangst McPants are just rubbish.
He has sucked too much nob.

Comment posted by: Wayne Mitchell at February 19, 2005 06:30 PM

Freo will play like girls again this year. The players are well overpaid and will not make the eight. They are a joke.

Comment posted by: Ted Morgan at March 5, 2005 02:08 PM

Mr Mcpants your comments about fremantle and the dockers are pure drivell. Shows the intelect of a moron. AS for the egirls just SLIME found on the bottom of boats.

Comment posted by: Chris at March 29, 2005 02:00 PM

Fuck you, McPants. Fremantle is a great suburb AND team and that's that.

Go suck some nob, mate... Back at Collingwood.

GO DOCKERS!! WOO!

Comment posted by: Tim at March 29, 2005 02:35 PM

You guys should go on the Jerry Springer Show to sort this out. From a neutral point of view it's funny shit though...

Reminds me of the old....

"My dad could beat up your dad!"

"Naa-aah my dad is bigger than yours"

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