Post Cards WA Visits Belmont.

There are times when you think that you know your own city so well that you couldn’t possibly lose yourself in its suburbs. It can be really liberating and adventurous to experience complete disorientation sometimes, to get you out of the hum drum routine of the everyday. Here at Post Cards WA we understand that West Australians are generally xenophobic, poor and lack any kind of cultural capital so getting out of the country is simply out of the question. So, how do you get lost in your own city?

Belmont.

I challenge you to pick any address within the suburb of Belmont and find it inside of three hours (upon departure from, say, Vic Park). I will personally donate an up to date edition of a Perth UBD. Good luck.

The beauty of Belmont is that the streets just end and start up again somewhere else. This is a symptom of the trend in rabidly corrupt city councils that filter rates through eight or nine different city planning agencies whilst snorting the remaining profits up their noses. You might expect to spy an Oompa-Loompa around each bend or David Bowie in tights pointing at a clock.

The rates have become so high that, although the council instillations themselves are moderately inoffensive with road side planting etc, the residents live in horrid brick and tile box like houses next door to colour bond manufacturers and power coating yards. Most rate payers work at Belmont Forum shopping centre, located, much like a feudal castle, high above the peasent houses that are scatter like a Hooverville on the surrounding streets. Belmont has the highest incidence of air conditioning specialist/retail sales assistant marriages in the state.

While you’re there, take a wonder around Belmont forum. It’s inexplicably packed almost everyday. You’ll find a Danoz Direct retail outlet, a Puffin Fresh (best doughnuts ever), a Big W and, most importantly, a Supre. Do some people watching and you’ll soon see how unfussed they are. They wear no-brand clothing (polar fleece track suits and such) and running shoes almost all the time. Running shoes are most important here as they connote a balanced lifestyle to offset the major leisure pass time- shopping at Big W. The people are lovely and polite. The women wear sensibly pony tails and the men are faithful to their wives. Relationships around here are the type where two bland people happily settled for each other, popped out some rug ruts, moved in next to a door manufacturer and wholesaler and lived boringly ever after.

The best place to grab yourself some posh nosh is the Belmont Forum food hall on a Thursday night. The wedges come with a whole extra plate of sour cream and sauce.

Other highlights include:

Studio 7-a male strip club which can be found, much like everything else in Belmont, just off Abernathy Road. The building is full of shameless middle aged women most nights, getting down and dirty with hairless, g-string sporting, buff things to ‘Don’t Call Me Baby’ and ‘Man, I Feel like a Woman’.

Tomato Lake-where I injured myself horribly as a child. Apparently, big pointy chunks of limestone were allowed to moonlight as children’s play equipment in the early nineties. These geographically incorrect landmarks have since been removed, I understand but the water and duck shit is still there.

Belmont Oasis- because we all love indoor pools 50% kid piss.

Belmont Race Track- The place that nobody gives a rats about unless it’s Melbourne Cup day.

So from all of us here at Post Cards WA, happy travelling!

Posted by Calire Amazoslafontz at September 2, 2004 09:01 PM