ISC Script

This is the script for a cartoon that myself and 2 other guys are in the process of making. All comments are welcome. Which bits are funny, which bits are less funny and which bits are not funny at all? It is still a work in progress and no doubt has alot of tweaking still needed.

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Wangst McPants, a short, green, alien and Martin Zygote, a tall but rather odd looking Robot are being chased back and forth across the screen by a pack of Eddie McGuire zombies. The opening credits and theme music roll over the top. Suddenly the scene cuts to Wangst McPants standing in the semi-darkness bent over the sleeping figure of Martin Zygote. We meet our protagonists in Martin's bedroom where Wangst appears to be trying to wake up the horizontal figure of Martin who had been dreaming about being chased by Eddie McGuire zombies. Wangst is wearing a frilly pink apron embroided with the words "Bless This Kitchen".

WANGST Hey dude. It's time to get up!

MARTIN What the fuck! Dude it's tooooo early! Fuck off and hassle someone else. It hurts to open my eyes and think so I am going to sleep for a little bit longer.

WANGST Come on Martin get up. I won't ask you again.

MARTIN If only it were true.

Martin sits up to rub his face and yawn. We see him better now and realise that on his chest is a computer screen. It is displaying the classic Windows 95 Desktop. On his back we see a large Microsoft logo. He pauses for a bit and then asks....

MARTIN What are we doing today that demands that I wake at this ungodly hour. Under the authority of what higher power is it that you wake me up when my batteries are this low? Bill Gates had better be on the phone waiting for me!

WANGST Dude. Today is an important day.

MARTIN Yeah? Well me and this important day weren't set to rendevous untill atleast midday. So if you will excuse me I think I am going back to sleep.

WANGST Today we are going to catch a plane to Afghanistan. We are going to an Al Quaeda training camp.

Martin is now fully awake.

MARTIN That is a fucking stupid idea. That is even more stupid then the time that you suggested that we should smuggle 4.1kg of marijuana into Bali.

Cut away to a new scene where Martin and Wangst are in what is apparently Denpasar Airport. They are standing with an Indonesian man wearing a Customs uniform. The man appears to be a Customs Officer. He is holding a bag of green plant matter labeled "Property of Wangst McPants"

CUSTOMS OFFICER 1 Tolong bikin koppi mengati!! Chop chop selamat pagi tiramikussi!!! (Subtitles: HOLY SHIT! 4.1kg OF MARIJUANA! SOMEBODY IS IN DEEP SHIT!!!! )

WANGST Hey Martin check this out! I think this curious little chap here has the hots for me!!

The Camera turns to show another officer, previously unseen, making kissy faces at Wangst.

CUSTOMS OFFICER 2 Wakka wakka bikkin mahaf aku bordour!!!!! (Subtitles: YOU HAD 4.1kg OF MARIJUANA IN YOUR BAG! YOU WILL BE EXECUTED FOR THIS!!!)

WANGST Umm. That is not mine. Somebody must have put it in my bag when I wasn't looking. Honest to god.

Cut away back to Martin and Wangst sitting in Martins bedroom.

WANGST Ok so that wasn't a great idea.

MARTIN No it was a shithouse idea and you are full of them. Going to train as terrorists in Afghanistan is nearly as stupid as the time that you thought it would be a good idea to get jobs in the Iraq Electoral Commission.

Cut away to Martin and Wangst standing in the middle of the Iraqi Desert. The only building in the shot is a ramshackle old thing ridden with bullets. It has a sign saying "Polling Place" along the roof. There is an Iraqi woman wearing a black Chador and an Iraqi man, presumably her husband, standing beside her. The woman appears to be holding a baby tucked up in a blanket.

WANGST
(Adressing the Iraqi couple) Hey I know you guys are probably pretty pissed off about the years of crippling economic sanctions and the American bombs that have been falling in your neighborhood but come over here and vote in elections that will make no difference to your living conditions. Please!!?! I will be your best friend!

IRAQI MAN Mohamed, Allah, Jihad, fatwah, Osama bin Laden, Al jazeera! (Subtitles: My eldest son died when a piece of shrapnel hit him in the head. I have no home and no job. I am unable to provide for my wife and remaining children. Your democracy can fuck off. Elections won't put food on the family table.)

The Iraqi couple walk away but not before placing their baby, wrapped in an old blanket, on the ground in front of Wangst and Martin.

MARTIN
(Shouting at the departing Iraqi woman) Hey Lady! You forgot your baby!!

MARTIN (To Wangst) Hey thats odd. This baby seems to be making a ticking noise.

The Baby on the ground explodes leaving Martin and Wangst pitch black and blinking their eyes in the comical fashion of an old Warner Brothers cartoon. Cut back to Martin's bedroom.

MARTIN Or what about the time that you decided it would be good to fly to Austin Texas and burn a life-sized effigy of George Bush.

Cut away to a large crowd of angry looking rednecks carrying rope and pitchforks. The rednecks are gathered around the rather sorry and tragic looking figures of Wangst McPants and Martin Zygote. A smouldering effigy of George W Bush lies disfigured on the ground. This shot lasts only a very short second.

WANGST (Meekly) Down with American Imperialism and the (trails off into mumbling).....

The rednecks move menacingly closer to Martin and Wangst as we cut back to the present moment in Martin's bedroom.

WANGST (Quickly) Yeah ok they weren't great ideas. But this is different! Would you just get the fuck up? I have a suprise for you when we get to Afghanistan!

Wangst walks out of the room. We cut to a new scene where Wangst McPants is standing in the kitchen, stiring something bubbling away in a pot on a stove. He is still wearing the same frilly pink apron. Enter Martin Zygote who yawns and takes a seat at a table. Martin sniffs the air.

MARTIN Dude whats that awful smell?

WANGST A special dish of mine. I am making you breakfast.

MARTIN Dude it smells like farts. What the fuck did you put in there?

WANGST I will have you know I am an excellent cook. Jamie Oliver once asked me for one of my recipes.

MARTIN He did not!

WANGST He did too!!

Cut to a new scene. Jamie Oliver is standing behind a kitchen bench that is covered with all manner of cooking ingredients and utensils. He is addressing the camera in his trademark cockney-uneducated timbre.

JAMIE OLIVER Allo then punters. I am Jamie Oliver, all round hip young Londoner and TV Chef. Behold my cute little speech impediment and endearing cockney vocabulary. Today we will be making smeg cakes. Here is a batch I prepared earlier.

Suddenly a cake of some description flies from off screen onto the face of the British Chef. Jamie Oliver runs around in circles shouting....

JAMIE OLIVER Ahhhhhrrgh! What have you done to me! It burns it burns it burns! What did you put in that pie? Is that some sort of acid I can feel eating away at my skin? MY BEAUTIFUL SKIN IS MELTING! MY BOYISH GOOD LOOKS ARE MELTING AWAY!!!!!!

Cut to a MCU (mid-close-up dummies) of Wangst. We are back in the present and Wangst and Martin are in the kitchen.

WANGST And I said, "Hydro Chloric acid and shards of glass Mr Oliver!! How do you like that for a bit of pucker tucker!??" And that is the story of the time that Jamie Oliver asked me for one of my recipies.

A one second shot of both characters eqidistant to the camera, looking at each other.

MARTIN (Annoyed) Dude that is not the same thing as Jamie Oliver asking you for a recipe!!

Before they get a chance to continue the argument the phone rings. *Ring Ring* *Ring Ring* Martin picks up the telephone.

MARTIN Yello?

Cut to a Doctors Office.

DOCTOR SMITH Oh hey, Martin. This is Doctor Smith.

The shot flicks from the kitchen to Doctor Smith office and back again as each person is talking.

MARTIN What's up doc?

DOCTOR SMITH I'm afraid I have some bad news...your test results are in...

MARTIN Oh my god.

DOCTOR SMITH Yes. You have a virus

MARTIN Jesus.

DOCTOR SMITH Yes. And the Virus is spamming your trojan firewall. And some script kiddie in Melbourne is browsing through your my documents.

MARTIN My your documents?

DOCTOR SMITH No, your my documents!

MARTIN Yeah that is what I said!!!

DOCTOR SMITH No you said my your documents! And there is no such thing as that on Windows!!!!

Martin turns to the nearby window and looks out at Trees, birds and bushes.

MARTIN I am looking out one now but I see trees and birds rather then your documents.

The camera scans the backyard. Suddenly we see what appears to be a windows folder icon frolicing in the backyard.

MARTIN Oh wait i think I see your documents....

DOCTOR SMITH No not that kind of Windows! Look. Just understand that your condition is bad. I am afraid that we are going to have to reinstall your Windows 95.

MARTIN Sweet Jerusalem!!

DOCTOR SMITH Yeah. Yeah. Tough news to hear, I know.

Long Pause.

DOCTOR SMITH Aaaaanyhoo, you probably don't need me crapping on all day. Give me a call if you've got any questions. Ciao ciao.'

*Click* The line goes dead.

WANGST What was that all about?

MARTIN Apparently I have a virus.

WANGST No shit sherlock. With all those promiscuous websites you've been browsing i'm suprised you dont have the robot equivalent of HIV. Don't you know anything about safe browsing?

MARTIN I don't like using a firewall. It doesn't feel the same.

Cut away to Martin sitting at a Computer. Camera pans away to the roof.

COMPUTER Oh baby your service provider is so big!

MARTIN Oh my god! I think I am about to spam in your server!!

Cut back to Martin and Wangst in their Kitchen.

MARTIN Come on man. I'm young. I have to sow my seeds far and wide.

Martin walks out of the room, clearly deep in thought. Just then the phone rings. *Ring Ring* *Ring Ring* *Ring Ring* Wangst picks up the phone.

WANGST Yo, what up?

We cut to a channel 9 studio where Eddie McGuire is seated on a stool in front of a laptop computer.

EDDIE MCGUIRE Martin mate, Eddie McGuire here from television's Who Wants to be....

WANGST Nah nah hang on Eddie. This is Wangst McPants. 'angonatick and i'll go and find Martin.

The shot shows Eddie McGuire sitting and waiting awkwardly in the studio. Wangst is heard to be yelling out to Martin over the studio speakers.

WANGST Oi Martin! That Eddie McGuire wanker is on the phone and he wants to know who wants to be a millionaire. Shall I tell him that both he and Michael Malthouse can fuck off?

MARTIN Nah hang on ill talk to him.

Martin picks up the phone.

MARTIN G'day.

EDDIE MCGUITE Martin mate, Eddie McGuire here from television's Who Wants to Be A Mooyanare. How are you, champ?

MARTIN Actually, this isn't really a good time Eddie

Martin hangs up the phone. Cut to the channel 9 studio.

EDDIE MCGUIRE I'm sorry mate but that was your last life line!

Eddie pulls out a gun and shoots the contestant.

EDDIE MCGUIRE And that is how we play "Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Execution Special Edition". We will be back after this short break.

Cut back to Martin and Wangst in their Kitchen.

MARTIN Goddamn fucking TV celebrities calling me at all hours of the night.

WANGST Here is your breakfast.

Wangst puts a plate of green stuff in front of Martin who smells it and promptly spews up all over the floor. We see the screen on his chest change to the infamous Microsoft Windows blue screen.

WANGST Wow. I didnt even know Robots could do that.

MARTIN Come on. Lets just get out of here and catch that plane to Afghanistan.

Martin and Wangst Walk out of the room. The scene cuts to onboard an Airplane. Wangst and Martin are sitting together.

MARTIN So I don't believe you have yet explained why we are on our way to Afghanistan.

WANGST We are bounty hunters. Did you know that the CIA is offering $50 million for information on the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden!

MARTIN Oh good then. Thank God "Terrorists That Are Wanted By The CIA" have a double page spread in the telephone book.

Cut to an advertisement for Al Qaeda in the Yellow Pages. Cut back to the Airplane.

WANGST God Dude. Don't be so negative.

MARTIN Hah! God-Dude!! That's a good one! Is that some new super hero I have never heard of? God Dude! The hero for the new generation of religious teenagers!!!

Cut away to what appears to be God wearing a cape, spandex tights, underpants on the outide and a crucifix emblazoned on his chest.

GOD-DUDE Come Jesus-Boy there is no time to waste! To the Christian Mobile! George Bush needs our help!!!

JESUS-BOY Holy Bible God Dude! This sure is alot of trouble to go for such an obscure joke!

God-Dude and Jesus-Boy run over to an old Volvo and jump in. God-Dude starts driving the car, swerving dangerously round corners. Cut back to Martin standing beside Wangst, making car noises and driving the imaginary Christian Mobile.

WANGST Can't you just trust me for once.

MARTIN If I were not an indestructable robot I would worry that some day you are going to get me killed. Don't you realise that the Taliban are still in afghanistan?

WANGST The Taliband? Oh yeah I think I heard of those guys. Isn't that some kind of Arabic boy band?

Cut to 4 men on a stage wearing traditonal Islamic dress. They are swaying to and fro as they read passages from the Koran in that trance like fashion typical of fanatical muslims. The crowd is packed with Muslim women wearing full length burqas. Only their eyes are showing. They are screaming and jumping around in the fashion that might be expected if the Backstreet Boys were on stage. Cut to Wangst and Martin departing the plane. They see Osama bin laden planting a bomb.

MARTIN Oh my God, that's Osama bin Laden!!

WANGST Let's get him!!

Wangst pulls out a giant butterfly net and he and Martin chase Osama around in the fashion typical of an old black and white movie. Sometimes Osama chases them, sometimes they chase Osama and in some parts everbody is running everywhere. The action is sped up and wacky music plays in the background. Over this we see the final credits begin to roll and the voice of a narrator.

NARRATOR That brings to a conclusion another thrilling episode of "The Crazy Adventures of Wangst and Martin". Will Martin and Wangst capture Osama bin Laden? Will any of this come together and make sense? Does it really matter? Tune in next week to find out!!!

Pause

NARRATOR But don't hold your breath. This will probably only get weirder.