A brand new Infotainment TV program dedicated for Christians, improve your lifestyle, home and health while increasing your standing with the big guy upstairs at the same time.

Presenters

Jesus: Carpentry and home Handiwork

God: Gardening and Landscaping

Moses: Travel

Noah: Pet care

Mary: Womens Health

Judas: Career advice

Adam: cooking

Jesus: Hello and Welcome to Gods house, the Christian lifestyle show, today Moses shows us the wonders of the dessert and how you can go on a long holiday in the desert without spending a fortune, God dishes out some helpful gardening tips, and Jesus helps Noah knock up a top shelf Dog House. Adam whips up a tasty fruit platter and a health alternative to fish and chips. But first, heres Judas with some career advice.

Judas: Now its probably the goal of most employees to get ahead in life, and to do that you need money, and to get money you need to go places with your job. Now the easiest way to do this, short of embezzling a few million dollars and fleeing the country to Majorca or sleeping with the boss, is to get promoted. So I hear you ask how do I get promoted? Well here are my simple tips, firstly gain the trust of your co-workers, then from that point onwards all you have to do is collect dirt on them and dob them into the boss. With all your competitors getting sacked you should have no problems getting that promotion, remember if you dont have any dirt just make it up, or use a workmates computer to download kiddie porn. Good luck getting that promotion!

jesus: erm thanks Judas, coming up next is Adam and his cooking tips.

Adam: Heres a healthy and nutritious dish that you can serve when unexpected guests pop in. Its especially good on a warm summers day and its quick and easy. What Im going to make is a fruit platter for starters and then some grilled fish. With the fruit platter its easy, all you need is some fresh fruit, cut them into segments, then arrange them on the plate like so and voila, there you have it. You can use any fruits yu like but my personal favourite fruit to use is apples and maybe some figs.

For the grilled fish, simply take some fresh fish of your choice and fillet it. Now I dont have enough fish here at the moment, but Jesus is going to give me a hand and in no time we will have plenty of fish. Oh while youre at it Jesus a nice chardonnay wouldnt go astray either. Simply grill the fish and serve with a dash of lemon, and you have a feast fit for a god, I mean a king. Dont forget to say grace, bon appetite.

Jesus: Mmm sounds good, for all of you with pets Noah and I have something that you may just find handy. Heres Noah to tell you more.

Noah: Thanks Jesus, whether your pet is a frog, a locust or just the humble dog, weve got helpful tips on how to make your own pet shelter. Firstly make it bigger than your pet, secondly, well strictly speaking this isnt about pet shelters, but if you use fear and manipulation your pet will always return to your pet shelter. Thats all from me, if you want plans of the shelter that Jesus built on todays show, say a prayer to god, and hell send them over to you, back to you Jesus.

Jesus: Hey, I think Noah just stole that shit from the bible, God wont be too happy with him, speaking of the big fella, here he is with some stuff on making your garden work.

God: Gday, the first thing you need in a garden is a good plan, If your up to fuck all in that department then as you go along, get a whole heap of unrelated ideas, bung em together, and bobs your fucking uncle, theres a top plan all ready to go. Also know that a lot of hard work goes into a good garden, its not simply a matter of clicking your fingers and then having a ripper of a garden all in seven days. So now that you have a plan youll most likely need some helpers, hire some professionals if you want, just make sure you crack down on them hard. If you cant get some professionals simply gather some neighbourhood children, give them a lollypop and exploit them. Thats all Ive got this week, next week Jesus is going to give me a hand and we are going to work some miracles and makeover someones backyard. For all of you that have that urge to travel, Moses is up next checking out some of the worlds best deserts.

Moses: So here I am, stuck in the middle of the fucking desert you might say, but no Im in some of the worlds best wilderness, Gods country if you will. The main thing to remember is that if youre going to spend any extended period of time in the desert, then youre going to need supplies. Water and food are the bare essentials, if your really after some creature comforts then camels are a must, it gets lonely in the desert sometimes, and well you know how god is with sort of stuff. Ive spent a lot of time in the desert and well, theres not much to fucking see. Really its just a lot of fucking sand and not much else; thank Christ for the mirages that you occasionally get. Well thats it from me, Im going to hang around in the desert for a bit longer, and that's all we have time for on this episode of God's House, tune in next week for more Christian life improvements.

The father of a friend of mine is giving to charity as his familys present. Most of us, upon hearing such a thing, would say Gee, that would suck! Glad Im still getting my awesome [insert material item here]!’ and I have to admit, Im one of them. This man has made a stance against the all the sales pitches, against the traditional consumer-spree, even against the disapproval of his own family, and put his money where his heart is. Unfortunately, truly helping out your less-fortunate fellow man does not make us feel as good as receiving the super-deluxe-consumer-item-2000-SX at the top of our Christmas list. Why is this? Is it because weve just grown accustomed to receiving what we want at this time of the year? Is it because, if we gave to charity, we wouldnt be able to SEE our donations benefit? Is it because we have no faith that charities actually make a difference? Or is the answer darker? Is it that were just too fucking selfish to part with an opportunity to further our collection of material possessions, even if it could be transformed into an opportunity to brighten some stark realities in situations less fortunate than our own?

I blame the out of sight, out of mind’ syndrome for most of it, plus most people of the first world being reared into a consumer-oriented lifestyle. I applaud my friends father in being gracious and generous enough to give to a higher cause than his own familys material wants. I myself have never given much to charity, as I see the same problems always being present in society, which makes me feel theres no point. Now I think if theres always going to be needy people, then we always have to have helpful and compassionate people. An end to the problem would be great, but not seeing one is not a valid reason to give up altogether.

Today I grabbed all the clothes I never wear out of my wardrobe, which ended up being a hefty garbage-bag-full, and took them down to the local Salvation Army bin. I know its not much, but hopefully itll help a few needy people in my own area. At the same time though, I have to admit Im still too selfish to follow my friends fathers example and forego all the expensive gifts to give a decent donation. Baby steps, baby, steps... heh.

Today my family and I went to an early xmas gathering. Analyzing the days events and those of gatherings past, I've concluded that the average Australian family christmas get-together, will have at least some, if not all of the following items:

• An uncle that talks incredibly loud
• At least one rather pale-looking relative sitting immoveably in the corner who is massively hung-over form the night before
• A table laden with entirely too much food for the numbers in attendence, prepared with unbridled glee by Nan (or Gran)
• A loud argument between in-laws
• A relative grumbling to you about how much of a wanker the in-law they just had a loud argument with is
• A veritable swarm of flies
• At least one incredibly ill-concieved gift idea, such as a toy that makes many loud and annoying sound effects given to a small child
• An embarrassed or surly teenager
• A relative who insists on wearing a stupid novelty hat
• An aunt or uncle who falls asleep in a chair after consuming the better part of a food platter comprised entirely of different types of cold meat
• A small child who has been fed sugar all day, running around psychotically, either trying to find more presents or just swinging unpredictably for the nearest male's groin
• A relative who leaves with much more wine than dignity

Aahhh christmas... there's nothing like fending off psychotic children, swatting at flies, breaking up heated arguments and enduring your aunty's wine induced ramblings to put you in a caring and sharing mood.

On a completely unrelated note, i'd just like to say that the new 50kph speed limit is absolute bullshit. In the wise words of Homer J Simpson, "Sure it might save a few lives...but MILLIONS will be LATE!"

I was sitting in my loungeroom at the tender age of four, watching TV as four year olds do, on the floor, three inches from the screen. My mum called out from the kitchen and told me to let our guests in. I went to the window to see who's coming, and I got very, very scared. Walking up the driveway were three men, dressed in white with big white hoods on. I ran away frightened with the knowledge that there were three boogiemen about to get me. I hid around the corner and watched on as they invited themselves in and greeted my parents, without speaking. I followed the happy group from a distance, still too frightened to be seen. They were all in the kitchen having a cup of tea, as though they were all old friends.

This nightmare was my very first, and it was the beginning of a series to boot. Every few nights it was the Winky & Boogiemen Show, with those crazy guys getting up to all sorts of whacky hijinks, only adding to my terror. Actually they did some pretty mundane things. Stood around, watched TV, had a barbeque, one of them was even on the toilet when I opened the door to go myself, but they never spoke. They didn't even have mouths, it still terrified me all the same. So after a couple of weeks of this I happened to be watching the news, and I saw these exact same people, but they were in bigger numbers and they were talking, very loudly. I told my parents about my nightmares and seeing these same people on TV. This was hard. When you're four you think everything's your fault and you feel threatened by the smallest things. I told them about the white cloaked men who never said a word and the sheer terror their presence gave me. My parents knew something I didn't, and sat me down for my first heart to heart talk.

It was pretty much a waste of time, my parents weren't the wise speechgiving type I saw on sitcoms. They used words I didn't understand and told me of issues that kids really shouldn't be troubled with. Then again, Bob Saget never had to explain the Ku Klux Klan to an Olsen twin. Growing up in a middle class neighbourhood, I had no idea what a homosexual was, or a jew. And all I knew of black people was that they were literally black people. I was left with more questions than before.

My dreams stopped and the years rolled on. Scary white men were replaced with scary dinosaurs, Megatron killed Optimus Prime, Superman became a cripple, teachers told me to stop colouring in and eventually I evolved into a relatively fearless adult. The KKK didn't change much, although now I understood the words they used. Niggers were black people, faggot slime were homosexuals but jews were still called jews. I guess that's the gentleman's racism. They preach white superiority whilst aligning themselves with history's greatest losers (nazis, confederates, etc). I might be wrong, please correct me.

Well, it's almost that time of the year again, and it's almost Christmas time too! Oddly enough I'm just starting to see people get all christmassy now, rather than mid October when the shops usually tell us to do so. Some people blame certain events that happened a few months ago, they're probably right. There won't be many toy planes this year. I don't have my tree up yet either, and it usually stays up till February.

What's the KKK got to do with Christmas? You'd think they'd be more at home during Halloween but look closer, Santa just may be hiding something behind his jolly exterior. The one thing that terrified young me as much as those boogiemen was... Santa. Thinking about it as an adult it makes more and more sense. Here we have a white, very Aryan looking man who makes a habit of ignoring Jewish kids and giving black coal to the naughty ones. Lets review the evidence...

Real Name: Saint Nicholas of Myra
Occupation: Presents deliverer
Responsibilities: Has direct command over a group of pointy headed men
Appearance: Elderly, short, bearded, rotund, wears red and white robes with a black belt
Business Hours: Mainly at night and in secrecy
Sightings: Only seen on special occasions
Hobbies: Chess, crosswords, enjoys water sports

Real Name: David Lane (Alabama Realm)
Occupation: Hate deliverer
Responsibilities: Has direct command over a group of pointy headed men
Appearance: Elderly, short, bearded, rotund, wears red and white robes with a black belt
Business Hours: Mainly at night and in secrecy
Sightings: Only seen on special occasions
Hobbies: Chess, crosswords, enjoys water sports

What on Earth made me want to link Santa with those knights in white satin? Recently I saw a, I guess you could call it a propaganda video about these people. The things I saw are worthy of a dozen more posts but I'll get to the relevant one. The video ended with a klansman handing out leaflets at an airport, and yes, it was Santa. That is wrong for so many reasons, but here is something that is right for so many more (Australians only).

Unless you're some sort of religious, guy, then you'd have to agree that there is a real chance that we are not alone in our universe. And I wanna see aliens! The problem with space is, it's huge, some believe infinite. And the problem with spaceships is, they don't exist, well earthly ones don't. So us going out in our imaginary spaceships and looking for specks of blue and green amidst infinite black just isn't rational. Looking for extraterrestrials without spaceships isn't much of an idea either, the best we can do is plant fossils in a rock from Mars, which was found on Earth anyway. So what's the alternative? Do what humans do best. Nothing. And yet at the same time show the boss we're doing something.

We spend millions of dollars pointing our technologies to the skies listening for UFO exhausts and static crackles that sound a little less crackly and what do we get? A sense that at least we're trying. Thankfully most of this wasted money is American, although that means a mostly American mentality towards alien hunting.

The theory is sound. Let more advanced beings do the work in contacting us and save squillions at the same time. Until we find our first alien, it will remain an unproven theory, and really the fat kid of science that no-one likes. It's boring, slow, and contains no laser guns or planets full of naked warrior women. And even if they did contact us, they're just as likely to say "surrender your planet or die" as "will you please stop sending those damn SMS messages".

Actually that's a point that shouldn't be laughed at. If we did make contact, how would we tell the harmless, funny Alfs from the dangerous, evil Klingons, or even the well meaning, yet tempermental and superior Chewbaccas? Sure, they may seem helpful, with their new technologies and calm nature, but from their point of view they would probably see barely sentinent slaves with a resource-rich planet ripe for the picking. Maybe it's best to leave sleeping quarlites lie and evolve our technologies at our own pace. And yes, that's all the respective governments are interested in, advanced technologies.

Or perhaps they already have made contact. Late night TV tells me that this is the case, either through secret government dealings or via ancient civilisations. I really don't know what to think. On one hand, a lot of what these supposedly professional people say makes sense, yet I question their medium of trashy magazines and cheesy, almost infomercial TV shows. And folk of the caravan park don't make the most convincing witnesses either. Or maybe the aliens went straight to the government, in the belief that a government would know what to do best with their people. Maybe the visitors aren't that intelligent. Unfortunately for us layfolk, the government is the only source for all space related information. If our closest neighbour, Proxima Centauri blew up today, due to the tyranny of distance it would be four years before anyone would know about it. That's long enough for a new government to be voted in to tell us it never happened. The Fox Mulders of this world tell us that governments, mainly the American and Russian governments, know all about little green men and their activities. I think this is unlikely. These people can't keep their affairs and drinking habits quiet, let alone the biggest and possibly hardest to hide secret of all.

Well that was a waste of your time. None of us are any closer to knowing the truth and yet I have so much more I want to write, I might write a semirelated post later on. If we made contact with other intelligent beings in my lifetime, I would die a happy man. They may exist, or they may not. Don't put on your sneakers and drink your arsenic apple juice just yet.

True to my word, I am posting the first email I got at winkymcknob@iservejesus.com. I'm surprised how many people visit here, and from what I read a lot of you could easliy do my job. But a lot more of you just suck. Anyway, I'm only posting the first email so too bad if it wasn't you.

Date: Mon, Nov 19th 2001 19:03:57 
From: qKfr47@freeteentwat.com 
To: winkymcknob@iservejesus.com 
Cc:   
Subject: You'll want to know


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