The Other 95 Percent

More Tsunami

Look before I say anything else, let me just say this.

The Tsunami was very very sad. Lots of people died and this is never a good thing. Unless of course a huge wave were to hit some imaginary country populated by elderly war criminals, rapists, murderers and Leyton Hewitt fans. But that is the ONLY circumstance in which a Tsunami might be thought of as a good thing. 'Nuff said about that.

Having said that, let me also say this.

HOW GOOD HAS THE TELEVISION BEEN IN THE LAST MONTH!??!?! We have had massive concert events on the radio and TV, we have had every sporting fraternity in the world, from cricket to lawn bowls, play special celebrity/charity matches. Incidentally, has anyone else noted the conspicuous absence of a charity tournament from the Surfing world? Are Kelly Slater and Mark Occhilupo too busy to give up a little of their time to charity? Perhaps they can stage a charity tournament in Sri Lanka. I hear the surf is really pumping.

And then there is the fantastic News on the TV! Boy Howdy, Monica Kos must have wet her panties when she heard that a big wave had struck nations to our north and killed tens of thousands of people. I mean seriously. This is where its at for the Today Tonight people. This is where they make a killing. From the inspiring story of the Sri Lankan surfer who surfed to safety, dodging palm trees as he went to the harrowing story of Private Whoreallygivesashit who had to do his fucking job and in the process saw a few dead Indonesians. It is a dream come true for any sensationalist journo. It is hard to imagine more fruitful times for Monika Kos and the Today Tonight people. In fact the only way I can imagine Monika Kos being more pleased with a massive natural disaster is if there had been a shark attack at the same time. Actually if you were going to write the perfect Today Tonight story it would probably involve half a dozen huge unemployed great white pointers swimming through the streets of Thailand eating people, right after a gigantic tsunami has just smashed into the coastline. Nothing makes great tabloid TV quite like thousands of muslims (and a smattering of christian tourists just to spice things up) swimming to avoid both the rising sea level and the hungry sharks. Monika Kos would just loose her mind.

And are we ashamed that we find the Tsunami to be such a source of entertainment? Hell no we are not.


Hey I have a theory. Try this on for size. The Australian reaction to the Boxing Day Tsunami has more to do with relief and gratitude that it didn't happen to us then genuine grief and sorrow for the quarter million Asians that have died. How else can you explain events such as the World XI versus the Asia XI limited overs cricket match? The proliferation of TV shows and concerts raising money and offering condolences? The atmosphere has been more one of celbration then of sorrow. And it is not because such an atmosphere is required to encourage people to donate money. Look deeper. It is because we feel more inclined to celebrate the tsunami that didn't hit Australia then we are to grieve for the dead of Asia. Think about that.

MC Frontalot

You might like this if....

1. You like Eminem. But only when he is not being a maudlin little bitch. Crying about how his mama didn't buy him a Bike for his 5th Birthday and so he has to be cleaning out his closet.
   
   
2. You think that Eminem is at his best when he is carrying on about who is the real Slim Shady and that his name is Slim Shady. That shit is funny.
   
   
3. You think that "hip-hop culture" and "nerd culture" have gone unmixed for too long. You think that it is fine for Chuck D to get on the internet and frag some camper with a railgun, and that it is fine for your local IRC junkie, founder of #startrekcentral on DALnet, to get down to his local street corner to bust some phat rhymes over some um phat beats courtesy of DJ l33t.
   
   
4. You like hip hop that is always smart but not smug, political but not preachy and funny but never stupid.

Here are some of his mp3s...

MC_Frontalot_-_I_Heart_Fags.mp3
MC_Frontalot_-_Mountain_Kind.mp3
His website is here

C'mon Aussie C'mon

Well cricket season is in full swing. And isnt it wonderful fun? We've had the Australians gloriously trampling down all would be opponents. Potatohead (i'm directly quoting Bill Lawry on that), Inzamam Al Huck has had some time off as captain and resumed a few games later, refreshed and ready to be as bad a captain as ever before. Sachin Tendulkar flew into the country, played a game as 12th man and flew home. We have seen the sun rise on a whole new form of cricket, known as 20-20 cricket. Last but not least we have seen the Australians, in a feat of speedy administration, make the magnanimous offer of beating Asia in a game of cricket. Sort of consolation for the fact that you lost your homes in a big wave.

"Hey Muralitharan! Sorry to hear about your house being destroyed and your family being killed by a big wave. Want to come over here to Australia so we can run you out for a duck im a One Day International that honours the wave that destroyed your country?"

---

Does anyone else think that 20-20 cricket sounds like the most heinous game ever invented? I mean this must surely be the worst idea in the history of cricket. Surely the next step from here is to have even shorter innings. And then more innings. Such that eventually we have 9 innings at 2 overs an innings. And we stop bowling the ball and just start pitching it. I mean how dumb does cricket have to get before we are satisfied that ordinary Australians will be able to enjoy it?

Heil Mein Stoner?

Apparently Prince Harry thinks it is appropriate for him to dress up like Hitler and go to fancy dress parties. Well good for Harry. But what has that got to do with any of us? I mean it is not like Prince Harry is anybody's role model. People prefer to idolize guys like Tiger Woods and the late Christopher Reeves. Prince Harry is just a stupid little stoner who knows nothing about the world.

Perhaps Harry and his gay buddies with their private boys school education don?t understand a little thing called the Holocaust? And who are we to judge them? Just because they spend their lives suckling on the teat of the British people we shouldn?t think harshly of them when their actions are ignorant and hurtful. If the Grandson of one of Britain's wealthiest women wants to swan around town with a Swastika on his upper arm who are we to think badly of that? We may well be the children and grandchildren of men and women who lost their lives in the Second World War, but apparently it doesn?t matter because Prince Fucking Harry that insensitive little prick has decided that it is cool to dress like Adolf Hitler.

Well ill show that little pissant what the Holocaust was all about. First off I'll insist that he and his faggot older brother have to walk around wearing a crown of thorns on their head! Hah. That will show em. Jesus died for our sins and now you will die also!! Then I will put them on a train bound for a circus in France where the whole royal family will be exhibits in a freak show. Relics of a time and place when injustice ruled the world, caged like animals for tourists to marvel at. Then I will put Charles, Harry the little retard stoner and William, the shy gentle son of Diana with the big fuck off front teeth that would serve him well in a career as a human can opener?. I will put them on a train bound for Auschwitz Germany, place them in the waiting line to the mens bathroom from which people seem never to return and then give Charles a choice as to which of his retarded sons will die at the gas chamber and which one will get to live. And my guess is that Harry's number is up.

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Just So You Know

Just so you know, I am not a homosexual.

I always feel like I have to get this information established very early on in the relations that I have with other men. People seem to notice that I speak very well and they imediately jump to the conclusion that I must be gay. And time and time again I have to explain to people that I like women and not men. You have to trust me on this people, I dress like I am blind and my bedroom looks it has been housing a caveman for the last year. There is no way I can be gay.

It is not that I am homophobic it is just that I am afraid of homsexuals. Now look. Before I go any further here I just want to establish a few things in case there are any ganster homosexuals out there who might possibly take offence at the things I am about to write. As you read this be aware that I have many gay people who are friends of mine. I quite like gay people when i get to know them. They certainly make very entertaining reality television and i wish them all the best in the future.

With that said, I think that all straight men, if they were a little bit honest with themselves, would say that gay men scare them a little bit. The problem is that like all men, I read statistics. And statistics say that atleast 1 in every 10 men have homosexual tendancies of one sort or another and between 1 and 5 in every 100 men actually have gay sex on a semi regular basis.

Now I challenge you to walk down a city street and for the next 100 people you pass count 10 that you think possibly wouldnt mind their bread buttered on both sides. Count also the 3 men that you think have engaged in a bit of mano a mano vegimite pushing at some point in the last few weeks. What people call homophobia is more often then not a fear of the unknown. When you pass a man wearing mascara and a hat made of tropical fruits you know exactly who you are talking to. When you dicover that the guy who works in the office next to yours, who wears the same things to work that you do, looks and behaves in all ways like you and just happens to be homosexual that is a shock to the system.

The phenomenon I am talking about also dominates the relationships that straight men have with other straight men. Straight men are tireless in their search of gay men and this includes the time they spend with their straight footy mates (cricket is a bit more dicey). For instance, imagine the following scene: Barry, with tongs and knife in hand, is handling the barbeque. MacKenzie (Macca to his mates) is kicking the football to Darren (Dazza to his mates). He is doing it while holding in beer in his left hand. But it is a light beer so these things cancel themselves out a little bit. Darren, the leader and the biggest loudest braggart in the group, notices that Barry is operating the barbeque in a way that is slightly unusual. He is not burning the shit out of anything that is edible in the usual fashion of straight men having a barbeque. Darren notices that Barry is gently searing one side of the steaks on high heat, and then turning down the heat to let the meat simmer for a bit before serving it up medium rare. BAZZA YOU FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! shouts Darren after putting his knife through the meat, MY STEAK IS STILL CHEWING GRASS! YOU HAVENT COOKED MY MEAT PROPERLY! YOU THINK IM SOME SORT OF A CAVEMAN!! Bazza retorts imediately, FUCK OFF CUNT! I'LL POKE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT!!

Now pause the scene in your mind. An important thing is happening here in the relationship between one straight man and another. Australian men are famously bad at expressing their feeling. And they dont get any better at it when they are talking to their mates. What Dazza is really asking of Bazza goes like this...

"Hi Barry. I notice that you are being delicate in the way you are cooking that meat. I also note that you do not burn your meat like real men do but rather eat it while it is still quite red. Look.... ive been told that these are characteristics commonly found among homosexuals. Are you a homosexual Barry? Because I sure as hell am not and I am trying to work out who among the men known to me, like to have sex with other men. It is nothing personal, I am just curious."

And Barry's retort can be translated to mean....

"Fuck off you cunt. Notice i swear alot and would just as happily swat a blow fly as i would gut you like a fish. From this you should infer that I am a straight man who most certainly does not like hard cock"

Its not that straight men hate gay men. Its just that straight men are on a never ending quest to work out who the gay men are and gay men are on a never ending quest to keep it a secret. And straight men find that frustrating. Put a straight man in the same room as 3 gay men. Molly Meldrum, some guy wearing make up and a hat that involves tropical fruit in some way and a gay guy who pretends to be straight so that he can get closer to straight men. It definitely wont be Molly or the flamboyant mardi gras homo that makes the straight guy feel uncomfortable. It is the deceptively straight looking gay man. He even looks like you. And talks like you. He is you. Come on. I't wont be so bad. It will be just like having sex with yourself. It will be just like masterbating. Come on. Come up for a coffee.

It is, for better or worse, a fear of uncertainty rather then a fear of homosexuality. Once the uncertainty is gone there is nothing left to fear, gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-gender, transexual or otherwise.

The Incredibles.

Your not good enough and you damn well better know it kids. Unless you have some special power like you can run fast, go invisible when your naked or your body is so super stretchy you can give yourself sexual pleasure, you can wave goodbye to any hopes you may have cherished of being a super hero. So says new Pixar film, The Incredibles. The other night I went out to watch that new Pixar film with the clever animation and the 3 dimensions and so on and so forth. I hated it. From start to crummy finish I thought it was a yawn. And to be boring would be bad enough, but it was insulting to boot. As a member, indeed as a leader, of the global community of big fat nerds that live their lives vicariously through a computer all day long, I reject this film and its take on the greatest clash of the cultures in the modern age. I urge all other nerds to join me in henceforth boycotting this nasty and insulting film.

What am I so worked up about? Oh nothing. JUST THE PURE BILGE WATER THAT IS CURRENTLY POURING FROM THAT DISNEY GARBAGE BOAT, ONTO THE UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC BELOW, INFECTING THEIR BRAIN LEAVING THEM THINKING THAT ORDINARY JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH! THAT UNLESS YOU WERE BORN WITH SOME SPECIAL GIFT YOU ARE NOTHING AND HAD BETTER GET COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA THAT YOU WILL RAISE A COUPLE OF LITTLE MORON KIDS, GROW OLD AND SUBSEQUENTLY DIE! AND NO AMOUNT OF HARD WORK OR INTELLIGENCE WILL MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THAT!

Breath in slowly. Count to 3. Exhale slowly.

It all started with that dickhead fish Nemo and his adventures as a dickhead fish with a dickhead fish for a Dad. That was a pretty crap film. I mean there is a reason why you cant spell "moaN" without "Nemo" and it has nothing to do with orgasm. But atleast it wasnt insulting. Well it was a little bit insulting when they suggested that stoners are actually turtles who talk like Keanu Reeves. But other then that it was all pretty benign.

But this? This had me bristling with anger. I mean it's not even hidden. It's not buried beneath layers of subtext and symbolism. It is right there for all to see. Nerds will always loose and jocks will always win. Because brawn will always beat brains and natural talent will always overcome hard work. Disney are running a clinic on how to indoctrinate small children with ideas they will keep untill the day they die. In this case, the idea that unless you are born with some special gift, you had better get used to wasting your life in a crummy job as an insurance salesman. Or as a housewife drained of all life by 1 or more stupid moron children.

It is right there in the open. The REAL hero of this film is clearly Syndrome. He is a "genius" of the sort that some might carelessly preface with the term "evil". He is a man who, probably beaten like a red-headed step child for being a science nerd when he was a teenager, modeled himelf into a super hero with the help of his amazing inventions.

And good for him. But, oh, look out! Here comes Disney with their Hitlerite ideas about genetic engineering. Everyone knows Walt Disney was a Nazi empathiser. But few realise just how far the rot goes. Disney are producing films intent on teaching our children that the Aryan bloodline is being corrupted by the modern age. That selective breeding programs are the future of the human race and that genetic imperfection should be breed out.

Ok so this is something i can feel more then prove. But believe me, it's there.

Tsunami! Tsunami!

Oh Tsunami! Oh Happy Days!

Well I have to tell you people. I am in a state of dazed euphoria! Hasn't the Tsunami been a blast? It is like one great big festival! With the giving and the feeling good about ourselves and the excellently entertaining news we have been getting on the TV. Whole resorts being wiped away with the rising flood waters. Huge tsunami waves picking the children off one by one as they cling for their dear pagan lives to the nearest coconut tree. Hasn't it just been a pleasure to turn on the TV! Turning on the TV to watch Ray Martin talking to the top Aussie diggers in Aceh. And Ray is thinking "if I touch this Soldier boy enough and make good enough kissy faces at him will he let me fellate him?" And Private Whogivesafuck is thinking "HOLY CHRIST I AM TALKING TO RAY MARTIN! THIS GUY IS GOD! HOLY FUCKING CHRIST ITS RAY MARTIN, REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ORDINARY PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!"

And I played my part. Yup. Thats right. I got nothing in the world to feel guilty about because I just donated $50 to the Tsunami appeal. $50 dollars is what we are giving these days isnt it? What did Jack and Laura next door give? $200!!! Are you serious? Oh my! We will look terrible. She knew I was going to donate $50 and she did this to make me look bad!! That bitch! I will donate $1,000 lets see what she thinks about that!!!

Ahem. As I was saying....

I have nothing to feel guilty about anymore. From now on I have earned the right to walk past the homeless man outside McDonalds and not care about where his next meal is coming from. Cause its not my fault. I dont have to think about it. Someone else can deal with it. I am absolved of guilt. Because I donated to the Tsunami appeal. I can push into traffic with reckless abandon. I can cut people off, run red lights and honk my horn at the cop car in front of me. Because I donated to the tsunami appeal. I can do as I please.

---

I turned on the TV and watched the live footage on the News. Like something out of an old biblical movie, the dirty waves gushed down the streets of those Asian nations that share the tragic destiny of a coastline with the Indian Ocean. I pretended, like everyone else to find it horribly upsetting. But it was never quite real enough to be truly upsetting. I donated to the Tsunami appeal like everyone else. That, a mere month ago, I had almost no idea where Sri Lanka is located on a map and definitely no interest in what went on there is beside the point. I showed the level of conspicuous compassion required of me. Can I please go back to living my drab little life? Not caring, not feeling, not thinking, just getting on with it.

Firts Post Evarr!!!

Gee Whiz. The TV Guide sure is a cracker source of entertainmnent information. I have been sitting here for the last hour reading the TV Guide. I nearly have it finished. From cover to cover. It is a facinating read. Hey Look! Everybody Loves Raymond is on this coming Tuesday night and its my favorite episode! It's the one where at the start of the episode Raymond says something that is totally fucking stupid and then for the rest of the episode everybody argues alot and the audience is left to wonder why on fucking earth would ANYBODY love Raymond, that peabrain dipshit excuse for a piece of stupid smeg named Raymond Romano. That episode is the funniest ever.

Oh and look! Channel 10 are having an hour and a half of Simpsons tonight. Oh boy. I will be all Simpsoned out after that. Watching Homer and his antics for a full hour and a half.

Bloody hell I am bored.

Hang on. I know. I will start a new website!! It will be all about me and all the sites I have made in the last few years. It will be called "The Other 95 Percent". What a brilliant name eh?! This new site will be all about me and all the things I do. Because, I have recently realised, the only subject I am TRULY interested enough in to devote a whole website to is myself. Or perhaps Tony Robbins.

Good times, good times,
? Ryan "Wangst "ExistAngst" McPants" Albrey