I was sitting in my loungeroom at the tender age of four, watching TV as four year olds do, on the floor, three inches from the screen. My mum called out from the kitchen and told me to let our guests in. I went to the window to see who's coming, and I got very, very scared. Walking up the driveway were three men, dressed in white with big white hoods on. I ran away frightened with the knowledge that there were three boogiemen about to get me. I hid around the corner and watched on as they invited themselves in and greeted my parents, without speaking. I followed the happy group from a distance, still too frightened to be seen. They were all in the kitchen having a cup of tea, as though they were all old friends.

This nightmare was my very first, and it was the beginning of a series to boot. Every few nights it was the Winky & Boogiemen Show, with those crazy guys getting up to all sorts of whacky hijinks, only adding to my terror. Actually they did some pretty mundane things. Stood around, watched TV, had a barbeque, one of them was even on the toilet when I opened the door to go myself, but they never spoke. They didn't even have mouths, it still terrified me all the same. So after a couple of weeks of this I happened to be watching the news, and I saw these exact same people, but they were in bigger numbers and they were talking, very loudly. I told my parents about my nightmares and seeing these same people on TV. This was hard. When you're four you think everything's your fault and you feel threatened by the smallest things. I told them about the white cloaked men who never said a word and the sheer terror their presence gave me. My parents knew something I didn't, and sat me down for my first heart to heart talk.

It was pretty much a waste of time, my parents weren't the wise speechgiving type I saw on sitcoms. They used words I didn't understand and told me of issues that kids really shouldn't be troubled with. Then again, Bob Saget never had to explain the Ku Klux Klan to an Olsen twin. Growing up in a middle class neighbourhood, I had no idea what a homosexual was, or a jew. And all I knew of black people was that they were literally black people. I was left with more questions than before.

My dreams stopped and the years rolled on. Scary white men were replaced with scary dinosaurs, Megatron killed Optimus Prime, Superman became a cripple, teachers told me to stop colouring in and eventually I evolved into a relatively fearless adult. The KKK didn't change much, although now I understood the words they used. Niggers were black people, faggot slime were homosexuals but jews were still called jews. I guess that's the gentleman's racism. They preach white superiority whilst aligning themselves with history's greatest losers (nazis, confederates, etc). I might be wrong, please correct me.

Well, it's almost that time of the year again, and it's almost Christmas time too! Oddly enough I'm just starting to see people get all christmassy now, rather than mid October when the shops usually tell us to do so. Some people blame certain events that happened a few months ago, they're probably right. There won't be many toy planes this year. I don't have my tree up yet either, and it usually stays up till February.

What's the KKK got to do with Christmas? You'd think they'd be more at home during Halloween but look closer, Santa just may be hiding something behind his jolly exterior. The one thing that terrified young me as much as those boogiemen was... Santa. Thinking about it as an adult it makes more and more sense. Here we have a white, very Aryan looking man who makes a habit of ignoring Jewish kids and giving black coal to the naughty ones. Lets review the evidence...

Real Name: Saint Nicholas of Myra
Occupation: Presents deliverer
Responsibilities: Has direct command over a group of pointy headed men
Appearance: Elderly, short, bearded, rotund, wears red and white robes with a black belt
Business Hours: Mainly at night and in secrecy
Sightings: Only seen on special occasions
Hobbies: Chess, crosswords, enjoys water sports

Real Name: David Lane (Alabama Realm)
Occupation: Hate deliverer
Responsibilities: Has direct command over a group of pointy headed men
Appearance: Elderly, short, bearded, rotund, wears red and white robes with a black belt
Business Hours: Mainly at night and in secrecy
Sightings: Only seen on special occasions
Hobbies: Chess, crosswords, enjoys water sports

What on Earth made me want to link Santa with those knights in white satin? Recently I saw a, I guess you could call it a propaganda video about these people. The things I saw are worthy of a dozen more posts but I'll get to the relevant one. The video ended with a klansman handing out leaflets at an airport, and yes, it was Santa. That is wrong for so many reasons, but here is something that is right for so many more (Australians only).