A brand new Infotainment TV program dedicated for Christians, improve your lifestyle, home and health while increasing your standing with the big guy upstairs at the same time.

Presenters

Jesus: Carpentry and home Handiwork

God: Gardening and Landscaping

Moses: Travel

Noah: Pet care

Mary: Womens Health

Judas: Career advice

Adam: cooking

Jesus: Hello and Welcome to Gods house, the Christian lifestyle show, today Moses shows us the wonders of the dessert and how you can go on a long holiday in the desert without spending a fortune, God dishes out some helpful gardening tips, and Jesus helps Noah knock up a top shelf Dog House. Adam whips up a tasty fruit platter and a health alternative to fish and chips. But first, heres Judas with some career advice.

Judas: Now its probably the goal of most employees to get ahead in life, and to do that you need money, and to get money you need to go places with your job. Now the easiest way to do this, short of embezzling a few million dollars and fleeing the country to Majorca or sleeping with the boss, is to get promoted. So I hear you ask how do I get promoted? Well here are my simple tips, firstly gain the trust of your co-workers, then from that point onwards all you have to do is collect dirt on them and dob them into the boss. With all your competitors getting sacked you should have no problems getting that promotion, remember if you dont have any dirt just make it up, or use a workmates computer to download kiddie porn. Good luck getting that promotion!

jesus: erm thanks Judas, coming up next is Adam and his cooking tips.

Adam: Heres a healthy and nutritious dish that you can serve when unexpected guests pop in. Its especially good on a warm summers day and its quick and easy. What Im going to make is a fruit platter for starters and then some grilled fish. With the fruit platter its easy, all you need is some fresh fruit, cut them into segments, then arrange them on the plate like so and voila, there you have it. You can use any fruits you like but my personal favourite fruit to use is apples and maybe some figs.

For the grilled fish, simply take some fresh fish of your choice and fillet it. Now I dont have enough fish here at the moment, but Jesus is going to give me a hand and in no time we will have plenty of fish. Oh while youre at it Jesus a nice chardonnay wouldnt go astray either. Simply grill the fish and serve with a dash of lemon, and you have a feast fit for a god, I mean a king. Dont forget to say grace, bon appetite.

Jesus: Mmm sounds good, for all of you with pets Noah and I have something that you may just find handy. Heres Noah to tell you more.

Noah: Thanks Jesus, whether your pet is a frog, a locust or just the humble dog, weve got helpful tips on how to make your own pet shelter. Firstly make it bigger than your pet, secondly, well strictly speaking this isnt about pet shelters, but if you use fear and manipulation your pet will always return to your pet shelter. Thats all from me, if you want plans of the shelter that Jesus built on todays show, say a prayer to god, and hell send them over to you, back to you Jesus.

Jesus: Hey, I think Noah just stole that shit from the bible, God wont be too happy with him, speaking of the big fella, here he is with some stuff on making your garden work.

God: Gday, the first thing you need in a garden is a good plan, If your up to fuck all in that department then as you go along, get a whole heap of unrelated ideas, bung em together, and bobs your fucking uncle, theres a top plan all ready to go. Also know that a lot of hard work goes into a good garden, its not simply a matter of clicking your fingers and then having a ripper of a garden all in seven days. So now that you have a plan youll most likely need some helpers, hire some professionals if you want, just make sure you crack down on them hard. If you cant get some professionals simply gather some neighbourhood children, give them a lollypop and exploit them. Thats all Ive got this week, next week Jesus is going to give me a hand and we are going to work some miracles and makeover someones backyard. For all of you that have that urge to travel, Moses is up next checking out some of the worlds best deserts.

Moses: So here I am, stuck in the middle of the fucking desert you might say, but no Im in some of the worlds best wilderness, Gods country if you will. The main thing to remember is that if youre going to spend any extended period of time in the desert, then youre going to need supplies. Water and food are the bare essentials, if your really after some creature comforts then camels are a must, it gets lonely in the desert sometimes, and well you know how god is with sort of stuff. Ive spent a lot of time in the desert and well, theres not much to fucking see. Really its just a lot of fucking sand and not much else; thank Christ for the mirages that you occasionally get. Well thats it from me, Im going to hang around in the desert for a bit longer, and that's all we have time for on this episode of God's House, tune in next week for more Christian life improvements.

The father of a friend of mine is giving to charity as his familys present. Most of us, upon hearing such a thing, would say Gee, that would suck! Glad Im still getting my awesome [insert material item here]!’ and I have to admit, Im one of them. This man has made a stance against the all the sales pitches, against the traditional consumer-spree, even against the disaproval of his own family, and put his money where his heart is. Unfortunately, truly helping out your less-fortunate fellow man does not make us feel as good as receiving the super-deluxe-consumer-item-2000-SX at the top of our Christmas list. Why is this? Is it because weve just grown accustomed to receiving what we want at this time of the year? Is it because, if we gave to charity, we wouldnt be able to SEE our donations benefit? Is it because we have no faith that charities actually make a difference? Or is the answer darker? Is it that were just too fucking selfish to part with an opportunity to further our collection of material possessions, even if it could be transformed into an opportunity to brighten some stark realities in situations less fortunate than our own?

I blame the out of sight, out of mind’ syndrome for most of it, plus most people of the first world being reared into a consumer-oriented lifestyle. I applaud my friends father in being gracious and generous enough to give to a higher cause than his own familys material wants. I myself have never given much to charity, as I see the same problems always being present in society, which makes me feel theres no point. Now I think if theres always going to be needy people, then we always have to have helpful and compassionate people. An end to the problem would be great, but not seeing one is not a valid reason to give up altogether.

Today I grabbed all the clothes I never wear out of my wardrobe, which ended up being a hefty garbage-bag-full, and took them down to the local Salvation Army bin. I know its not much, but hopefully itll help a few needy people in my own area. At the same time though, I have to admit Im still too selfish to follow my friends fathers example and forego all the expensive gifts to give a decent donation. Baby steps, baby, steps... heh.