Now of course I'm exaggerating, but I know a few of you out there can relate to what I'm saying. Why are some computer games so damned addictive? What drives us to attempt those upper-levels with a difficulty setting of "You've Got to be Fucking Joking" again and again until we crack them, no matter how frustrating it is? I think if this phenomenon was more closely examined we could start applying the principles to other areas of life, where there tends to be motivational problems. An obvious example of this would be the workplace. Here is a list of computer game-inspired features I think a workplace could provide to make its employees more motivated:

• Upon arrival at the workplace employees can enter their own nickname which they will then be referred to by for the rest of the day.
• "Stat Increase" tokens are randomly placed around the office which can be redeemed for new items of office equipment.
• The office takes up an entire building, with the most senior managers on the top floor and the lowliest employee at the bottom floor. When someone gets promoted a fanfare sounds and that person can then move to the next "level" of the workplace.
• Doors in the workplace will only open once the correctly colour-coded key-card is found.
• Everyone has headsets.
• There is at least one whiteboard reserved for the days high scores.
• It is compulsory for anyone moving about the workplace to run, whilst wearing body-armour and carrying a high-powered projectile weapon.
• Kicking the shit out of the "Boss" is encouraged and rewarded.
• Everyone's breif-cases contain a secret cache of weaponry and neat gadgets.
• Anyone who is unfortunate enough to die at the workplace will automatically "respawn" back at their desk.
• You can find hints, tips and cheats for your daily workload on the internet.
• It is possible to complete your entire working lifetime in approximately 2 weeks (1 week with the official "WorkingLife™ Walk-thru)

I know I would be a lot more inclined to head into work if I knew I could reach that elusive $1000 bonus floating on the ceiling by jumping off a workmate's head, and that ayone attempting to raise my stress level could easily be disposed of with my trusty flame-thrower or lightning-fast kung-fu moves. Imagine the motivation to attend the University of Tony Hawk, where students could gain credit by busting sick skateboarding tricks between class. A score of 300,000 could net you a degree in Physics (The Defying Of).

If we could harness the motivating aspects of computer games for real life, maybe real life wouldn't seem so utterly pointless. Well... at least we'd be entertained enough not to give a shit.

NURSERY RHYMES - Often hidden within these tunes of mirth are sinister double meanings that would make Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band proud. Ring-a Ring-a Rosy is about the Black Death, Ei Ni Me Ni Mi Ni Mo is dripping with racial hatred, and that thing you do with your kids' toes and call them pigs is basically their first lesson in sibling rivalry through verse.

RELIGION - Young minds are very impressionable and they tend to believe whatever an adult tells them rather than think it through. Religion is really something that should be discovered by yourself, if at all, rather than being drilled into you as a kid. If a child is heavily religious then they're probably going to be that way all through their life, and "God Boy" just doesn't pull the chicks like it used to.

THE FOOD PYRAMID - Who pays attention to this anyway? All the good shit that you love to eat you're supposed to have the least of, and the foods you're supposed to have the most of also happen to be the snack of choice in third world countries, and those people don't look too healthy to me. Egyptians had pyramids and look what happened to them.

LANGUAGES - I don't know any other languages, so neither should kids. Same goes for co-ordination and sensitivity.

SPORTS - Innocent, organised saturday morning sports provide warm memories that last a lifetime. But like all things in life, all that goodness has to be balanced somewhere, and that somewhere is with the parents. Normally docile, cheerful parents hear the pitter patter of little feet running after a ball and become three-headed beasts spawned by satan himself. They play their own organised sport of making the kid of the couple they hate cry, or if they turn pro then their attention turns to their own child. An hour of fun, marred by unwanted family members. Sounds like another fun saturday morning activity.

Think of any more? Email me and maybe I'll put it up next time.