An Open Letter from Wangst McPants

The following is an open letter from Wangst McPants.....

Dear Prince Charles,

CC: Anna-Nicole Smith, Prince Harry and Ms Camilla Parker Bowles the first Princess Consort in British History,

Greetings Prince Charles!


Chuck you old dog! You finally popped the question to that other old dog, Camilla Parker Bowles! Down on one knee and "Will you be my Princess Consort" was it Charles? Well clearly congratulations are in order.

But don't do it Charles. Your youngest son and I have come up with a different idea. Just hear us out ok because we have really thought this through. I am a militant Australian Republican. I abhor the fact that the independent nation of Australia has a non-Australian as its head of state. It is disgusting. I will blow up buildings for this cause. You are my natural enemy Prince Charles, your youngest son, Prince Harry, while also my natual enemy, is on the other hand a stupid, horny, drug-fucked, little, bastard, redhead, nazi. Together we have decided that you should propose to Anna Nicole Smith.

Think about it Charles. Princes Di was a genuine cutie but she didnt have big silicone breasts that bounce up and down as you fuck her in your British manner. And your a Prince dude! Live it up a little!! Let Anna show you what her little baggie of pills can do and to hell with what the people of Britain think. Come on Charles. Don't tell me you would say no to a couple of Viagra/drug cocktail fueled night of partying and sticking your old porksword into that moronic bitch that some journalists still refer to as a "blonde bombshell".

Why my sudden concern for your welfare you might ask Charles? After all I have already outlined that I find you to be a disgusting souvenir of a time in history we would all be better off to forget about entirely. In 2005 people make their way through life on luck and hard work. Privledge doesn't come into it. Why am I so interested in you getting together with Anna Nicole Smith?

Here you are ready to marry the woman who has always been at the center of your affections for the last 30 years and all I can think about is the ashen look of horror on the faces of Prime Minister John Howard and Professor David Flint if you were to marry Anna Nicole Smith. As the true Republican I am I know as well as anyone that one Queen is as bad as another. Queen Diana, Queen Camilla or Queen Anna Nicole: either way it is still a filthy bitch pretending to have some sort of divine authority over the people of Australia. But for John Howard, David Flint and the rest of the poncey, privately educated, old boys in the Constitutional Monarchy Camp this would be a mortal blow to their dreams of an Australia indefinitely tied to the apron stings of Britain. But more to the point they would seeth with anger at the pure affront to their own stuffy conservatism. Sorry boys but it turns out that the Monarchy is now such a joke that even stupid blonde hollywood types can be what will by that time only loosely be called "Queen'.

Harry comes at it from a different perspective. As I have previously said he is a stupid, horny, drug-fucked, little, bastard, redhead, nazi. As Sean 'P Diddy' Combes once remarked "Without Anna Nicole Smith the world would just be boring." Truer words were never said by a stupid hip-hop/pop-star wannabe and the young Prince Harry knows it better then anyone. Harry has a number of reasons for prefering Anna Nicole Smith as his step-mother. First and foremost is the fact that he will have a step-mother who is wicked hot with huge tits that he has imagined holding since he first met them between the pages of a Playboy magazine. The second reason is that Anna Nicole will be able to hook the young Prince up with some well wicked drugs. Won't that be good fun! What manner of stupid shit will Harry get up to when he graduates from weed up to hardcore narcotics and prescription pharmaceuticals?

Think very seriously about it Charles. I think it is a good idea and so do Harry and P. Diddy. Anna Nicole Smith would love to be your wife. Any woman known to publicly compare herself to Marilyn Monroe would love the opportunity to compare herself to Princess Diana. So take the singing pimp's advice Charles and shack up with Anna Nicole. Enjoy those silicone breasts and strike a dagger in the heart of Australian support for the monarchy.

truly,
?? Wangst McPants

John Paul II vs Dan Brown

Well the Pope seems to be on the way out. Which is ok you know. He is 84 after all. It is not like he has had a short innings. He has been around for a long time, done a lot of neat stuff and now it is his time to go into the fertiliser industry.

Browsing the internet for funny things to say about the Pope I discovered that the Pope is actually a very prolific author. How about that! Dan Brown eat your heart out! It looks like there is going to be some substance to this post after all! Up till now I had planned on just repeatedly refering to the Pope as the Poop. But not now. Now I have something to run with. The Pope was the literary genius behind such classics as:

1. Redemptor hominis. All about the dignity of man. Somehow manages to gloss over the fact that men who like to wear chicken suits are not very dignified. This book was widely read after a Priest in Sao Paulo insisted that his entire congregation read it. It made it to number 1263 on the Amazon best sellers list.
   
   
2. Dives in misericordia All about the mercy of God. Why a loving God would need to display a capacity for mercy in the first place is never quite explained. Nobody can say if I am a particularly merciful person or not because I try not to do cuntish things to people in the first place. Sells over a dozen copies after numerous people confuse "John Paul II" with a Beatles biography of a similar name.
   
   
3. Sollicitudo Rei Socialis Latin for "On Social Concerns". This is the one where the pope criticises economic and political ideologies of both western capitalism and eastern communism. Whether or not the Pope has an degree in economics giving him the authority to pass judgement on such matters is never discussed with his publishers. The Pope waits anxiously for a Nobel Prize in economics but it is not forthcoming.
   
   
4. Veritatis Splendor This is latin for "the Splendour of Truth". Despite the title this book has very little to do with truth and alot to do with the same old staid churchy themes. One of the janitors at the Vatican rated this his favorite Pope publication.
   
   
5. Evangelium Vitae This is latin for "the Gospel of Life". This is the Pope at his creative best. This imaginative tome of fiction is all about how wanking, condoms and the contraceptive pill are tools of the devil and are inherently evil. JP2 (John Paul the second) also spends a few chapters pontificating on the evils of euthanasia. The Pontiff shows himself here to be in possession of a brilliant imagination and at the top of his literary talents. Despite being critically acclaimed, it sells poorly and the Pope is photographed leaving a book store with a dozen copies under his arm.
   
   
6. Ecclesia de Eucharistia This one is completely unreadable. I have no idea what the pope is talking about in this book. I have read it from cover to cover and I cant make heads or tails of it. This is around the time that the Parkinson's really started to kick in. Like the rest of the books authored by the Pope, Dan Brown does not decide to read this book.
   
   

Of course that old nemesis of the Pope, Dan Brown has also written a few books in his time. He has written...

1. Digital Fortress All about the National Security Agency and code breaking. A facinating look at cyber terrorism and a well written novel. Sells like a million copies.
   
   
2. Angels & Demons Join protagonist Robert Langdon as he has adventures around Vatican City. I haven't read this book but I am pretty sure there is a chapter where Langdon plays twister with the Pope. The Pope retires early because his arthritis and progressing Parkinson's prevent him from putting his left foot on the green circle. Angels and Demons sells a trillion copies. Or something like that.
   
   
3. Deception Point Ummm. Much like Digital Fortress only this time about NASA instead of NSA. The Pope read this book as he does all Dan Brown books.
   
   
4. The Da Vinci Code The most widely read book of all time. Even the Bible gets left in its dust. This book is about how the Holy Grail is not actually a chalice but rather a woman. Mary Magdalene to be precise. Dan Brown never actually says it openly but it is pretty obvious to all concerned what this implies: that to find imortality one must find the skeletal cunt of Mary Magdalene and drink from it. Harrison Ford is rumoured to be grateful that this book was released long after he played the part of Grail enthusiast Indiana Jones.

Oh wait. Shit. I am sorry, I should have given a warning. The preceeding passage contains plot spoilers. So if you intend on reading The Da Vinci Code I suggest you do not read the preceeding paragraph because it will spoil the plot.

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Just by the way and quite incidental to everything else I have written here, does it really matter if we have a frail and senile old Pope? All the commentary in the news seems to be around whether or not the Pope should retire to allow a fit and more able Pope to take his place. The needle on the care-factor dial is struggling to rise above zero. I mean what important stuff does the Pope really do on a day to day basis that requires mental acuity or indeed the ability to stand, walk or speak? Ok so he travels a fair bit and that requires reasonable good health. But surely the Catholics of the world will get over it won't they? The Pope is too old to come and vist you. Deal with it.

Look. I am not saying that it wouldn't be better if we had a fit able-bodied Pope instead of this old frail one. I am just saying that when your job description involves waving from a Vatican window and muttering some unintelligible Latin into a microphone you probably don't need too many sick days and you can probably do a bang up job of it untill the day you die. Ok so maybe the Pope won't be authoring very many more books before he dies. But nobody reads them anyway. I'm just saying is all.

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There is also quite a bit of debate about who will be the next Pope. Look.... the Pope before the current one was John Paul the First. This one we have now is John Paul the Second. I am going to have a wild stab in the dark and say that the next Pope will be John Paul the Third. It's not rocket science people.

Reader Mail

Lisa writes:

You are a fool!! First of all, just because someone is gay does not mean that they are interested in every man that walks on the face of the earth. What makes you think the guy in the office next to yours would even think about wanting to have sex with you. You are replusive and you probably get rejected by every woman you hit on. Chances are if women find you repuslive, and i do, then gay men do as well.

Grow up and get a real argument!

Hi Lisa,

Ordinarily I respond to all my reader mail in the order in which it lands in my inbox. There are several hundred emails in the que before yours but I am going to make an exception since you seem to be a particularly annoying breed of idiot.

Just for those following along at home this is what the stupid fat slapper is talking about. I made a serious investigation into the nature of homophobia and this hairy dyke has mistaken the subject for the researcher. I don't have to glowing green to be a nuclear scientist you dumb bitch.

Look, let me break it down into terms you can understand. Homophobia is an irrational fear. Of course it is and I would never, nor I might add have I ever, claimed otherwise. Being afraid of a homosexual is about as rational as being afraid of a guy who, unbeknownst to others, has a birthmark on his right bum cheek. But that still doesn't explain why a large percentage of straight men are, to variable degrees, afraid of gay-men. Do you ever stop to ask yourself questions like that Lisa? To stop, just for a moment, being such a dumb bitch and actually give thought to difficult questions despite the fact that they make you a little bit uncomfortable? Isn't it possibe that the only reason straight men fear gay men, if I can generalise like that, is because gay men are such an unknown quantity? If you had paid attention I made the suggestion that straight men find flamboyantly gay man to be LESS threatening then more ordinary mainstream gay men, which supports my theory that it is not homosexuality that people fear but rather the uncertainty. Ironically, if what I am saying makes any sense, and it does because you are a stupid dumb slut and I am right, then it means that gay men would be persecuted LESS rather then more if rather then keeping it in the closet so to speak, they were 100% honest with the world about their homosexuality. And one thing that gay men certainly are not, is honest about their sexuality.

But fuck it. I could lay it down for you in the simplest english imaginable. I could use small words and type them phonetically. It wouldn't matter. Because you are a stupid slapper and you will NEVER get it. So I should just go back to insulting you and not trouble myself with a lucid well reasoned explanation of my earlier post.

Incidentally you repulsive bitch, mispelling "repulsive" once looks like a typo, mispelling it twice makes you look like your not sure how to spell R-E-P-U-L-S-I-V-E.

Yours Truly,
?? Wangst McPants

PPS. Yes gay men do want to root me. Trust me. You dont understand how this works. I am straight so it goes without saying that gay men would love to stick the old pork sword into my virgin ass. Men are men are men. Whether they are straight, gay or Michael Jackson. So let me tell you something about men: they want what they can't have. Straight men want a Lesbian threesome, gay men want straight men and Michael Jackson wants Bart Simson. None of us can have what we want but it doesn't stop us from searching for it. What do you want Lisa? Call me some time.

Reader Mail: 0

Because Monkey's are worth it.

I actually moved out of home recently. It is quite a big step to take. For the first 22 years of my life my mother did everything for me and then suddenly when I am living on my own I have to do everything for myself. Moving out of home is one of the most independent things I have ever done in my life. Except for the times I have sex. Those are pretty independent also.

One of the things I struggle with the most is going grocery shopping. It is very confusing. I get particularly confused each time I walk down the toiletries aisle. It seems to me that the purpose of shampoo these days is to put food in your hair. That seems to be what it is all about. Here are some of things you find in shampoo these days...

• strawberries
• coconut
• almonds
• honey
• chamomile

These are all things you are supposed to eat! You're not supposed to put these things in your hair. Who is the bright spark at the Ponds Institute that decided it was a good idea to put food into shampoo? When I want to put some food into my hair I will buy a kilo of beef mince and really have some fun with it.

Stranger: "Excuse me Sir but is that a kilo of beef mince you have in your hair? It seems to be getting quite smelly."

Me: "I am strengthening my hair from the roots to the tips. What is the world coming to when a man can't wear beef mince in his hair while at a fancy restraunt?"

The other day I was in the shampoo aisle at Coles and I noticed that on some of the shampoo bottles was written in big bold letters:

NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
I thought to myself, I'm not particularly impressed. That just means they haven't been comprehensive in their testing procedure. I am waiting to find a label on a shampoo bottle that reads:

"Yes we tested this shampoo on Monkeys. We know that if this shampoo can bring out the 7 kinds of softness in baboon hair it will do wonders for your's."

or...

"9 out of 10 Chimpanzees recommend Pantene 2 in 1. Takes out the dirt and fecal matter and leaves your fur feeling silky smooth."

It is the same with cosmetics. If I was a really really really ugly woman. I mean if I was so ugly that I looked a little bit like a chimpanzee, I would be going up to the make-up counter at Myers and asking for the stuff they test out on Monkeys. Who cares if they tested the lattest eye-liner on Salma Hayek? You could smear a large turd across her face and still find her desirable. But chimpanzees on the other hand? Thats the real test!

Gods Gift to Women

I am actually gods gift to women.

No really it is true. I can never understand why people are so suprised I tell them this. I mean it seems obvious to me that if God were going to buy a gift for the women of the world he would choose me. There is no way in hell he would pick someone like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. Because God is a man and men suck at buying gifts for women. So God would choose me as a gift to the women of the world.

I have no trouble at all imagining God walking through K-Mart in Heaven Forum or whatever shopping center it is God goes to and seeing me on the shelf. He would say "It says here that this man likes porn, football, Silvester Stallone movies and beer. Yep this will do nicely. This will be my gift to womenkind."

Cause God has no idea how to buy gifts for women! And why should he? God is a man. Men were made in his image. So it stands to reason that God is just as fucking clueless as any other man. And ALL men suck at buying gifts for their women. Ladies, I am God's gift to women and you can think of me as being a little bit like the carton of beer you are going to get for Valentines Day.

Men are much better at buying gifts for other men. They dont mind buying gifts for one another. In fact they quite enjoy it because it's easy. The average man could receive a carton of beer every single birthday of his life and still be suprised and overjoyed each time.

Man 1: "Bazza! I bought you a carton of beer for your birthday!"
Man 2: "Macca! I bought you a carton of beer too. For being a good mate."
Man 1: "Shall we sit down and drink some of them?"
Man 2: "Yes lets."

But buying gifts for women is more difficult. It involves spending time in shopping centers. And men hate spending time in shopping centers. Shopping centers are emasculating. Men feel stifled in the confines of a Shopping Center. Men evolved to be hunters not shoppers so there is something that doesn't seem quite natural about men, the warriors of the species, being reduced to bundling potatoes into a plastic bag and then meekly waiting in line at the "8 items or less" express checkout at Coles.

"Smoking is good for you!" Says Science Apologetically.

It seems to me that scientists are not completely sure what is good for you and what is bad for you.

I mean once apon a time scientists said that time spent in the sun was good for you because it keeps the scurvy away. Then we discovered that there was an ozone layer and that it had a hole in it so then the sun wasn't actually very good for you at all. Once apon a time we were told that alcohol is bad for you, killing brain cells. Then science comes out and says that a glass of red wine actually helps you keep leprosy away or something. We were told that marijuana is bad for you but then science comes out and says oh wait it turns out that marijuana might be used for many different medicinal purposes. We were told that beef was full of iron, which was good, but then that it turns you into a mad cow, which was bad. Sex was bad for you in the 19th century, good for you in the 60's, bad for you again in 80's, good for you again in the new century. I mean does science really have ANY IDEA AT ALL what is truly good for you and what is truly bad for you?

I have a theory that some day scientists will announce at a big press conference that it turns out that cigarettes are actually good for you. I am enthusiastically waiting for that happy day. The day when scientists have to say,

"We are sorry. We have been unsure about many things. We have never been certain about the origin of the universe, how the big bang happened, whether there is more then 1 universe, how is it that this exact system of physics came to exist such that it was possible for our species to evolve, and why if we evolved from monkeys is there still great big chunks of archaeological evidence missing. Clearly there are only few things we have ever been certain about. Well one thing. That cigarettes are bad for you. The one thing in the entire universe that we said we were absolutely certain about. That cigarettes are absolutely bad for your health. Yeah well it turns out that this isn't true anymore. It turns out that smoking cigarettes in moderation actually helps cure you from the following conditions, diseases, illnesses and short-comings...."

And I spose in a way it is already true. Cigarettes are certainly the cure for being a wanker that stands around complaining "do you know that those cancer sticks are going to kill you? COUGH COUGH Your getting smoke in my lungs!! I'm asthmatic!!!". You never hear a cigarette smoker suffering from that annoying social condition.

Put your hands in the air, if you're a smoker? Keep your hands in the air if you have ever been minding your own business, having a quiet cigarette, when some terminally ill cancer patient has walked up to you and asked "hey man?… could I have a drag of your voice box?" If I was standing around having a quiet cigarette and someone came up to me asking "heeey man! Can I bum a lung off ya?" I'm pretty sure I would reply "FUCK. OFF. I NEED BOTH THESE LUNGS TO FILTER ALL THE TOXIC TOBACCO SMOKE I AM INHALING!" Then I would feel really bad for yelling at a cancer patient. And I would say...

"Look?… I'm sorry for swearing at you. But my lungs are totally fucked. They are half full of tar! You don?’t want my lungs. Why don?’t you go and ask some non-smoker, who has nice tarless lungs, if they will give you a lung?"

Loopy Lefty or Righteous Rightwing?

I am actually a Neo-Conservative. That means I am a big fan of John Howard, George Bush and the Matrix. Being a Neo-Conservative is a very controversial thing to be these days. Not everybody likes the Matrix movies as much as I do.

To give you an example, I hate left-wing documentaries made by guys like Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock. I am very much looking forward to the day when Michael Moore is making so many documentaries he has to start a corporation. Communist Documentaries PTY LTD or something like that.

I don't much like Morgan Spurlock's film "Super-size Me" either. If you eat McDonalds for a whole month you will get fat. Big suprise. Who would ever have guessed that if you eat fat all the time you will get fat. Here we are with a generation of overweight school children and the media and the public at large rush to blame it on McDonalds. As if human beings dont have free will. Hey here is a tip kids: next time Ronald McDonald asks you if you want a super-sized happy meal just tell him to fuck off. But there is no need to make a movie about it Morgan. I mean if I eat nothing but spinach for 30 days I will get sick, but nobody is going to start hating on Popeye.

McDonalds should put out a documentary of their own. I can hear the narrators voice right now...

Narrator: Morgan Spurlock ate nothing but McDonalds for a whole month. What a soft-cock.

*Enter Larry, the 200kg couch bum that McDonalds has hired as their new mascot. He is wearing a skin tight super hero outfit complete with cape and underpants on the outside. He is too busy with his food to acknowledge the narrator. He is eating a double-quarter pounder. Presumably a half-pounder.*

Narrator: This here is Super-Size Man. A hero for a new generation of kids who are fat and proud of it. Morgan Spurlock can eat nothing but McDonalds for a whole month. Super-Size Man has been eating nothing but McDonalds since the day he was born. For how long can YOU eat nothing but McDonalds? Do you dare to take the McDonalds challenge???

And why shouldn't they release such a documentary? It is the free world and we all have the freedom say whatever we want.

Hungry Jack's (aka Burger King) must be pretty pissed off but. Hungry Jacks must be saying to themselves "Where the fuck is our documentary? Each year thousands of kids get fat from eating Whoppers. And we treat our empolyees MUCH worse then McDonalds do. How about putting us in a movie?" And they be ringing up Morgan Spurlock telling him about how many grams of fat are in a Whopper. Cause they know what I know. Any publicity is good publicity.

The problem is that McDonalds LIKE it when movies like Super-Size Me are made. They feed off negativity. Corporations want to be hated?… the most successful corporations are the ones that are the most hated. Think of Nike, McDonalds, ExxonMobil, The American Government, James Hardie, Microsoft and Al Qaeda. See what I mean? All these corporations were hated before they were successful. I reckon these corporations are successful BECAUSE they are hated rather then hated because they are successful. People started hating on McDonalds and THEN they took over the world. People started hating George Bush and THEN he choose to take over the world. Prove to me that i'm wrong! Go on! Go to google and do some research! What's that? Your still here reading? You have decided to stay here and simply take my word for it. Your not going to critically evaluate whether or not what I saying is actually a plausible explanation for how the business world works? Of course your not!

You just know the McDonalds CEO gets up at the McDonalds AGM and says...

"At current estimates, over 5 million people regard McDonalds as being the corporate incarnation of Satan. This represents a 7% increase over the past fiscal year. This positive result is believed to be due to projects undertaken such as the deforrestation of the Amazon, and making millions and millions of children very very fat. Oh and just by the way, profits increased by a million percent."

So if I were a small corporation id be thinking to myself "Right?…. All I have to do is get Michael Moore or Morgan Spurlock to make a documentary about how bad I am, then BAM! I'm gunna hit the big time".

More Tsunami

Look before I say anything else, let me just say this.

The Tsunami was very very sad. Lots of people died and this is never a good thing. Unless of course a huge wave were to hit some imaginary country populated by elderly war criminals, rapists, murderers and Leyton Hewitt fans. But that is the ONLY circumstance in which a Tsunami might be thought of as a good thing. 'Nuff said about that.

Having said that, let me also say this.

HOW GOOD HAS THE TELEVISION BEEN IN THE LAST MONTH!??!?! We have had massive concert events on the radio and TV, we have had every sporting fraternity in the world, from cricket to lawn bowls, play special celebrity/charity matches. Incidentally, has anyone else noted the conspicuous absence of a charity tournament from the Surfing world? Are Kelly Slater and Mark Occhilupo too busy to give up a little of their time to charity? Perhaps they can stage a charity tournament in Sri Lanka. I hear the surf is really pumping.

And then there is the fantastic News on the TV! Boy Howdy, Monica Kos must have wet her panties when she heard that a big wave had struck nations to our north and killed tens of thousands of people. I mean seriously. This is where its at for the Today Tonight people. This is where they make a killing. From the inspiring story of the Sri Lankan surfer who surfed to safety, dodging palm trees as he went to the harrowing story of Private Whoreallygivesashit who had to do his fucking job and in the process saw a few dead Indonesians. It is a dream come true for any sensationalist journo. It is hard to imagine more fruitful times for Monika Kos and the Today Tonight people. In fact the only way I can imagine Monika Kos being more pleased with a massive natural disaster is if there had been a shark attack at the same time. Actually if you were going to write the perfect Today Tonight story it would probably involve half a dozen huge unemployed great white pointers swimming through the streets of Thailand eating people, right after a gigantic tsunami has just smashed into the coastline. Nothing makes great tabloid TV quite like thousands of muslims (and a smattering of christian tourists just to spice things up) swimming to avoid both the rising sea level and the hungry sharks. Monika Kos would just loose her mind.

And are we ashamed that we find the Tsunami to be such a source of entertainment? Hell no we are not.


Hey I have a theory. Try this on for size. The Australian reaction to the Boxing Day Tsunami has more to do with relief and gratitude that it didn't happen to us then genuine grief and sorrow for the quarter million Asians that have died. How else can you explain events such as the World XI versus the Asia XI limited overs cricket match? The proliferation of TV shows and concerts raising money and offering condolences? The atmosphere has been more one of celbration then of sorrow. And it is not because such an atmosphere is required to encourage people to donate money. Look deeper. It is because we feel more inclined to celebrate the tsunami that didn't hit Australia then we are to grieve for the dead of Asia. Think about that.

C'mon Aussie C'mon

Well cricket season is in full swing. And isnt it wonderful fun? We've had the Australians gloriously trampling down all would be opponents. Potatohead (i'm directly quoting Bill Lawry on that), Inzamam Al Huck has had some time off as captain and resumed a few games later, refreshed and ready to be as bad a captain as ever before. Sachin Tendulkar flew into the country, played a game as 12th man and flew home. We have seen the sun rise on a whole new form of cricket, known as 20-20 cricket. Last but not least we have seen the Australians, in a feat of speedy administration, make the magnanimous offer of beating Asia in a game of cricket. Sort of consolation for the fact that you lost your homes in a big wave.

"Hey Muralitharan! Sorry to hear about your house being destroyed and your family being killed by a big wave. Want to come over here to Australia so we can run you out for a duck im a One Day International that honours the wave that destroyed your country?"

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Does anyone else think that 20-20 cricket sounds like the most heinous game ever invented? I mean this must surely be the worst idea in the history of cricket. Surely the next step from here is to have even shorter innings. And then more innings. Such that eventually we have 9 innings at 2 overs an innings. And we stop bowling the ball and just start pitching it. I mean how dumb does cricket have to get before we are satisfied that ordinary Australians will be able to enjoy it?

Heil Mein Stoner?

Apparently Prince Harry thinks it is appropriate for him to dress up like Hitler and go to fancy dress parties. Well good for Harry. But what has that got to do with any of us? I mean it is not like Prince Harry is anybody's role model. People prefer to idolize guys like Tiger Woods and the late Christopher Reeves. Prince Harry is just a stupid little stoner who knows nothing about the world.

Perhaps Harry and his gay buddies with their private boys school education don?t understand a little thing called the Holocaust? And who are we to judge them? Just because they spend their lives suckling on the teat of the British people we shouldn?t think harshly of them when their actions are ignorant and hurtful. If the Grandson of one of Britain's wealthiest women wants to swan around town with a Swastika on his upper arm who are we to think badly of that? We may well be the children and grandchildren of men and women who lost their lives in the Second World War, but apparently it doesn?t matter because Prince Fucking Harry that insensitive little prick has decided that it is cool to dress like Adolf Hitler.

Well ill show that little pissant what the Holocaust was all about. First off I'll insist that he and his faggot older brother have to walk around wearing a crown of thorns on their head! Hah. That will show em. Jesus died for our sins and now you will die also!! Then I will put them on a train bound for a circus in France where the whole royal family will be exhibits in a freak show. Relics of a time and place when injustice ruled the world, caged like animals for tourists to marvel at. Then I will put Charles, Harry the little retard stoner and William, the shy gentle son of Diana with the big fuck off front teeth that would serve him well in a career as a human can opener?. I will put them on a train bound for Auschwitz Germany, place them in the waiting line to the mens bathroom from which people seem never to return and then give Charles a choice as to which of his retarded sons will die at the gas chamber and which one will get to live. And my guess is that Harry's number is up.

Just So You Know

Just so you know, I am not a homosexual.

I always feel like I have to get this information established very early on in the relations that I have with other men. People seem to notice that I speak very well and they imediately jump to the conclusion that I must be gay. And time and time again I have to explain to people that I like women and not men. You have to trust me on this people, I dress like I am blind and my bedroom looks it has been housing a caveman for the last year. There is no way I can be gay.

It is not that I am homophobic it is just that I am afraid of homsexuals. Now look. Before I go any further here I just want to establish a few things in case there are any ganster homosexuals out there who might possibly take offence at the things I am about to write. As you read this be aware that I have many gay people who are friends of mine. I quite like gay people when i get to know them. They certainly make very entertaining reality television and i wish them all the best in the future.

With that said, I think that all straight men, if they were a little bit honest with themselves, would say that gay men scare them a little bit. The problem is that like all men, I read statistics. And statistics say that atleast 1 in every 10 men have homosexual tendancies of one sort or another and between 1 and 5 in every 100 men actually have gay sex on a semi regular basis.

Now I challenge you to walk down a city street and for the next 100 people you pass count 10 that you think possibly wouldnt mind their bread buttered on both sides. Count also the 3 men that you think have engaged in a bit of mano a mano vegimite pushing at some point in the last few weeks. What people call homophobia is more often then not a fear of the unknown. When you pass a man wearing mascara and a hat made of tropical fruits you know exactly who you are talking to. When you dicover that the guy who works in the office next to yours, who wears the same things to work that you do, looks and behaves in all ways like you and just happens to be homosexual that is a shock to the system.

The phenomenon I am talking about also dominates the relationships that straight men have with other straight men. Straight men are tireless in their search of gay men and this includes the time they spend with their straight footy mates (cricket is a bit more dicey). For instance, imagine the following scene: Barry, with tongs and knife in hand, is handling the barbeque. MacKenzie (Macca to his mates) is kicking the football to Darren (Dazza to his mates). He is doing it while holding in beer in his left hand. But it is a light beer so these things cancel themselves out a little bit. Darren, the leader and the biggest loudest braggart in the group, notices that Barry is operating the barbeque in a way that is slightly unusual. He is not burning the shit out of anything that is edible in the usual fashion of straight men having a barbeque. Darren notices that Barry is gently searing one side of the steaks on high heat, and then turning down the heat to let the meat simmer for a bit before serving it up medium rare. BAZZA YOU FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! shouts Darren after putting his knife through the meat, MY STEAK IS STILL CHEWING GRASS! YOU HAVENT COOKED MY MEAT PROPERLY! YOU THINK IM SOME SORT OF A CAVEMAN!! Bazza retorts imediately, FUCK OFF CUNT! I'LL POKE YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT!!

Now pause the scene in your mind. An important thing is happening here in the relationship between one straight man and another. Australian men are famously bad at expressing their feeling. And they dont get any better at it when they are talking to their mates. What Dazza is really asking of Bazza goes like this...

"Hi Barry. I notice that you are being delicate in the way you are cooking that meat. I also note that you do not burn your meat like real men do but rather eat it while it is still quite red. Look.... ive been told that these are characteristics commonly found among homosexuals. Are you a homosexual Barry? Because I sure as hell am not and I am trying to work out who among the men known to me, like to have sex with other men. It is nothing personal, I am just curious."

And Barry's retort can be translated to mean....

"Fuck off you cunt. Notice i swear alot and would just as happily swat a blow fly as i would gut you like a fish. From this you should infer that I am a straight man who most certainly does not like hard cock"

Its not that straight men hate gay men. Its just that straight men are on a never ending quest to work out who the gay men are and gay men are on a never ending quest to keep it a secret. And straight men find that frustrating. Put a straight man in the same room as 3 gay men. Molly Meldrum, some guy wearing make up and a hat that involves tropical fruit in some way and a gay guy who pretends to be straight so that he can get closer to straight men. It definitely wont be Molly or the flamboyant mardi gras homo that makes the straight guy feel uncomfortable. It is the deceptively straight looking gay man. He even looks like you. And talks like you. He is you. Come on. I't wont be so bad. It will be just like having sex with yourself. It will be just like masterbating. Come on. Come up for a coffee.

It is, for better or worse, a fear of uncertainty rather then a fear of homosexuality. Once the uncertainty is gone there is nothing left to fear, gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-gender, transexual or otherwise.

Tsunami! Tsunami!

Oh Tsunami! Oh Happy Days!

Well I have to tell you people. I am in a state of dazed euphoria! Hasn't the Tsunami been a blast? It is like one great big festival! With the giving and the feeling good about ourselves and the excellently entertaining news we have been getting on the TV. Whole resorts being wiped away with the rising flood waters. Huge tsunami waves picking the children off one by one as they cling for their dear pagan lives to the nearest coconut tree. Hasn't it just been a pleasure to turn on the TV! Turning on the TV to watch Ray Martin talking to the top Aussie diggers in Aceh. And Ray is thinking "if I touch this Soldier boy enough and make good enough kissy faces at him will he let me fellate him?" And Private Whogivesafuck is thinking "HOLY CHRIST I AM TALKING TO RAY MARTIN! THIS GUY IS GOD! HOLY FUCKING CHRIST ITS RAY MARTIN, REPRESENTATIVE OF THE ORDINARY PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!"

And I played my part. Yup. Thats right. I got nothing in the world to feel guilty about because I just donated $50 to the Tsunami appeal. $50 dollars is what we are giving these days isnt it? What did Jack and Laura next door give? $200!!! Are you serious? Oh my! We will look terrible. She knew I was going to donate $50 and she did this to make me look bad!! That bitch! I will donate $1,000 lets see what she thinks about that!!!

Ahem. As I was saying....

I have nothing to feel guilty about anymore. From now on I have earned the right to walk past the homeless man outside McDonalds and not care about where his next meal is coming from. Cause its not my fault. I dont have to think about it. Someone else can deal with it. I am absolved of guilt. Because I donated to the Tsunami appeal. I can push into traffic with reckless abandon. I can cut people off, run red lights and honk my horn at the cop car in front of me. Because I donated to the tsunami appeal. I can do as I please.

---

I turned on the TV and watched the live footage on the News. Like something out of an old biblical movie, the dirty waves gushed down the streets of those Asian nations that share the tragic destiny of a coastline with the Indian Ocean. I pretended, like everyone else to find it horribly upsetting. But it was never quite real enough to be truly upsetting. I donated to the Tsunami appeal like everyone else. That, a mere month ago, I had almost no idea where Sri Lanka is located on a map and definitely no interest in what went on there is beside the point. I showed the level of conspicuous compassion required of me. Can I please go back to living my drab little life? Not caring, not feeling, not thinking, just getting on with it.

Firts Post Evarr!!!

Gee Whiz. The TV Guide sure is a cracker source of entertainmnent information. I have been sitting here for the last hour reading the TV Guide. I nearly have it finished. From cover to cover. It is a facinating read. Hey Look! Everybody Loves Raymond is on this coming Tuesday night and its my favorite episode! It's the one where at the start of the episode Raymond says something that is totally fucking stupid and then for the rest of the episode everybody argues alot and the audience is left to wonder why on fucking earth would ANYBODY love Raymond, that peabrain dipshit excuse for a piece of stupid smeg named Raymond Romano. That episode is the funniest ever.

Oh and look! Channel 10 are having an hour and a half of Simpsons tonight. Oh boy. I will be all Simpsoned out after that. Watching Homer and his antics for a full hour and a half.

Bloody hell I am bored.

Hang on. I know. I will start a new website!! It will be all about me and all the sites I have made in the last few years. It will be called "The Other 95 Percent". What a brilliant name eh?! This new site will be all about me and all the things I do. Because, I have recently realised, the only subject I am TRULY interested enough in to devote a whole website to is myself. Or perhaps Tony Robbins.

Good times, good times,
? Ryan "Wangst "ExistAngst" McPants" Albrey